Please or to access all these features

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Is this sufficient for 3 kids?

214 replies

Newnamenewnamenewnamenew · 01/12/2024 20:57

apologies it’s long.

Posted before got a bit of a wake up call in terms of my budget. id love another child and time is ticking for me age wise, so it’s starting to be now or never. The question is can we afford it. I’d like a bit of impartial help when everything is laid out, because sometimes if feel like yeah, our income is fine (I’ve put it on that min income calculator thing online and we’re a few hundred quid up a week)

Ive worked really hard with DH do a budget, it’s below. We have 2 dc, is a third viable here? This is the here and now too, we have scope to get better jobs in the medium term and bolster our earnings. We have a small 4 bed house right now and a 7 seater car, so the ‘big’ things are already taken care of. Though we’d likely need to upsize in the future.

our gross income is £110k per year base. Bonuses can vary between £10-£15k, last year was a good year and we got £20k but that’s not the norm. 3-5% annual pay rises.

monthly income 6,400 salary + £170 (child benefit)
our living expenses (mortgage, car insurance, life insurance, food, fuel, household bills) £3130. Our mortgage is £1350, I’m confident this will go down when our fix is up though.
child savings £170 (CB)+ £100
£180 credit card (0% not too many more payments this is a mix of some work on the house and a root canal I needed)
£60 mobile phones
£500 childcare (this will reduce to about £350 in the new year)
hobbies- £75 (dance, football and swimming)
£90 car insurance
£100 days out
savings £1000
that leaves us then about £1000 which we then split equally between us and the basically give ourselves a personal allowance of about £100 a week, basically £800 a month for personal stuff. We buy kids clothes from the personal allowance as well as stuff for ourselves, haircuts etc.
which should leave about £150/£200 for us to use a sink fund for any unexpected events, if there’s none then it gets saved.

for another child we’d save the additional child benefit for that child plus an additional £50 a month. Worked out that way in the investment account that they have it could be about £25k at 18, to use for uni/ whatever (it’s the same as what we do currently)

private school isn’t a priority for us, we’ve several grammar schools around us and if that’s not a viable option we live close to one of the best state schools in the area.

we like our holidays but I shop around and I’m confident I can find holidays for 5 for not too much more than we pay now (I’ve checked)

what do we think?

OP posts:
Newnamenewnamenewnamenew · 03/12/2024 18:32

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Sorry are you saying we do live a modest life and have a modest income?

or IF we live a modest life?

i am happy overall (in response to your other comment) I just don’t feel comfortable talking fertility and finances in real life tbh. Mn is a safe (ish) space

OP posts:
GiddyBiscuit · 03/12/2024 13:18

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

GiddyBiscuit · 03/12/2024 13:16

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Dishwashersaurous · 03/12/2024 12:26

Oh op I really feel for you.

You are making yourself unhappy by focusing on this third child issue and not actually enjoying your life.

You are ttc. It may or may not happen.

You have a choice. You can stop ttc and then move on with your life.

Or you can just forget about it entirely, if you can, just move on with your life, make plans, book holidays, do fun stuff. Then if one day it happens, Great, but don't make it your life and your goal.

This so absolutely clearly isn't about financial issues but about the fact that you struggle without having control, for understandable reasons.

You need to forget about trying for a baby entirely and focu on enjoying your life

eakjoy · 03/12/2024 11:22

I don't think Amiefan was being rude, not sure what's happened there.

Newnamenewnamenewnamenew · 03/12/2024 11:02

Sweetpeasaremadeforbees · 03/12/2024 10:58

Why are there so many deletions on here for one poster? Am I missing something?

I’ve missed them too but I’d imagine they were being rude or abusive that’s what normally gets posts deleted by mnhq

OP posts:
Sweetpeasaremadeforbees · 03/12/2024 10:58

Why are there so many deletions on here for one poster? Am I missing something?

RosesAndHellebores · 03/12/2024 09:19

Stopping isn't giving up, it's moving forward with the life you have. And a very wonderful life at that. A boy, a girl, enough money, a partner, a career. Fuck the community. Stop trying and pinning hope and accept what will be. Live your life and if unprotected sex results in another child, it's an unexpected bonus.

Go well.

eakjoy · 03/12/2024 09:08

It feels like you have a lot going on OP, if you can't talk to close family and friends it might be worth looking into talking therapy to unpack your feelings a bit, for whatever road you choose to go down.

Newnamenewnamenewnamenew · 03/12/2024 09:03

Christmaseason · 03/12/2024 08:36

After reading your updates I think it it was me I wouldn’t continue trying for another baby. I think I’d enjoy what I have and book my usual holidays so I have things to look forward to with my two happy healthy DC.

Otherwise deciding, trying then deciding again could go on for years and preoccupy your time when you could put that energy into your career, hobbies, DC etc etc.

I do see where you’re coming from I do, I really do, but giving up and stopping means it won’t happen doesn’t it and I’m not sure how I feel about that, well actually I do and I feel so sad at the thought

OP posts:
sunshine244 · 03/12/2024 08:45

I was really keen for a third at one point but I'm so glad I stuck to two. Things got very tough when there turned out to be issues with one of our children. Long story short I'm now a single parent to two autistic children (not diagnosed until school age).

Financially we were in the perfect situation to have three children at the point we were discussing it. Now I'm struggling to even work part time due to their needs.

That's not to say there's a right or wrong decision. Just that all the planning in the world won't necessarily make a difference.

Christmaseason · 03/12/2024 08:36

After reading your updates I think it it was me I wouldn’t continue trying for another baby. I think I’d enjoy what I have and book my usual holidays so I have things to look forward to with my two happy healthy DC.

Otherwise deciding, trying then deciding again could go on for years and preoccupy your time when you could put that energy into your career, hobbies, DC etc etc.

amiefam · 03/12/2024 08:24

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Newnamenewnamenewnamenew · 03/12/2024 08:21

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

It’s definitely the community ie the people rather than the faith but yes learned the distance lesson the hard way

OP posts:
amiefam · 03/12/2024 08:15

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

amiefam · 03/12/2024 08:14

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

amiefam · 03/12/2024 08:14

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Newnamenewnamenewnamenew · 03/12/2024 08:13

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Yes we come from a faith community where infertility is always pegged as the woman’s fault and couples who struggle ttc or who are childless are gossiped about. It happened with my and my first, made the mistake about opening up about my cycles and I was shunned

OP posts:
Emilyjayne9421 · 03/12/2024 08:12

I haven’t read all the comments but yes I’d say it’s enough. We have three kids (13, 8, 6) and have less income than you. Combined approx £5200. Mortgage £1000, other bills/food £2000 and debt repayments of £500 so £3500 altogether. After savings I’d say we have around £800 left disposable, which usually goes to get the debts down more or savings, and we manage fine. I hope this helps

amiefam · 03/12/2024 08:10

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Newnamenewnamenewnamenew · 03/12/2024 08:08

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

No a lot of my friends/ people I know are pregnant right now so I wouldn’t want people thinking I’m jealous and I definitely wouldn’t want to discuss financials with them

OP posts:
Newnamenewnamenewnamenew · 03/12/2024 08:07

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

I’m pretty good at my job I guess, I’m obviously not in work right now

OP posts:
amiefam · 03/12/2024 08:05

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

amiefam · 03/12/2024 08:04

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Newnamenewnamenewnamenew · 03/12/2024 08:00

eakjoy · 03/12/2024 07:48

Honestly OP I don't think I'd be trying in your shoes, you sound very like me 8 years ago or so. I think you're on the cusp of coming out of these years and aren't sure whether to embrace that, or extend it. I think it's hormones, impacted by your fertility journey.

I think you have other dreams and aspirations that will be limited with 3 children, you're very lucky to have one of each, financial security, when I look at the 2 worst case scenarios I think from all you've said over these threads, the bottom one is the most likely. You've brought up lifestyle much more than you have anything maternal or about the children.

And I think deep down you know this, which is why you're doing these threads whilst TTC. I think I'd stop TTC until you've got your head in a clearer place, you should jot down how you feel over a month and see whether the fertility impulse comes vs the trepidation, and see if it is hormones.

Yeah you’re right I am incredibly lucky and blessed not only with my children that I have but also be able to spoil them and I most certainly wouldn’t want them to suffer or have to do without (my do without may be different to someone else’s) watching them grow up is such an honour and it is why I’d love another.

ttc is not kind to me mentally speaking. I revert back to that same girl who was told it won’t happen because your cycles aren’t 28 days. I know now this is untrue and the fact we conceived 2 naturally in under a year probably shows it should be fine. But yet I find myself worrying. I think the concern about money it’s preventing me from being too emotionally attached to having a third in case it doesn’t happen, because if I really set my heart to it, it will hurt more if it doesn’t happen.

OP posts:
Swipe left for the next trending thread