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AIBU?

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Original poster

Husband is stupid and aggressive

60 replies

Sockmate123 · 01/12/2024 18:45

Probably wording that wrong.

Beginning to think my husband is just completely thick. Just 3 examples from this weekend....

Went to Christmas tree farm....got on this sleigh thing, girl driving it said do not stand up, signs saying do not stand up, husband stood up to take a video...

Got back to place to pay after we got tree, young guy asked would you like us to put a hole in it for the stand...husband ignored him for the first time, then second and third time told him 'yes ill hold it for you' 🙄🙄 he has no hearing difficulties just doesn't listen.

Then my son this evening said Dad got lost taking me to my match yesterday....this was a HOME match that is 3km from our house...there is a big huge well known hotel right beside the pitch. Son has had 15 matches there this season and he still got lost going there yesterday. He said his Google maps didn't work. Then got up in a temple, flung a door open causing a dent in the wall, roaring and shouting at me to take him to matches in the future (which i will be!!!) They were 12 mins late yesterday, our house is about a 6 min drive from it.

My daughter was crying because she wanted him downstairs to watch us turn on the Christmas lights. He doesn't care he upset her, it's all my fault apparently. I am so sick of him.

For background he has a very demanding job which requires a lot of concentration etc no bother delivering there but absolutely useless at home. My daughter has drama the same time my sons matches are on usually but I guess I'll have to ask my Mum to bring her. I might as well be a single parent.

I am a stickler for good punctuality. Husband is not. I consider it bad manners. He just doesn't care or blames my son for delaying them.

Thanks for reading x

OP posts:
Fannyfiggs · 04/12/2024 22:47

StormingNorman · 04/12/2024 22:01

You don’t like him. He doesn’t treat you well. You’re dismissive of the job that’s paying for your career break - which would wind anyone up.

Go back to work and leave.

Where was OP dismissive about her husband's job? I didn't see that.

Original poster
Sockmate123 · 04/12/2024 22:25

StormingNorman · 04/12/2024 22:01

You don’t like him. He doesn’t treat you well. You’re dismissive of the job that’s paying for your career break - which would wind anyone up.

Go back to work and leave.

I'm dismissive of his job do you mean? I'm not dismissive of his job, its the one thing that he's good at, a good worker and provider. Our whole life revolves around his career.

I am on a career break as I took carers leave to care for my youngest child who has additional needs. So it's not as simple as just returning and also I do have an income in the form of carers benefit. I am in Ireland, its a weekly social welfare payment you can claim for up to 2 years.

OP posts:
StormingNorman · 04/12/2024 22:01

You don’t like him. He doesn’t treat you well. You’re dismissive of the job that’s paying for your career break - which would wind anyone up.

Go back to work and leave.

Dotto · 04/12/2024 22:00

Yes if I was you I think I would be civil but mentally disengage.

Original poster
Sockmate123 · 04/12/2024 21:52

Thanks everyone for the replies.

I should add that he's not always like this...can be weeks of generally co-operative/not flying off the handle but then erupts over something minor..says I am provoking him and loving the reaction so then I can make him into a 'monster' in the kids eyes....that's what he actually said!!! As if I would want to expose my children to this!!

He didn't slam the car door, it was the kitchen door going through to the hall. He said he didn't do that (even though a dent in the wall).

For the person that posted about PDA/Autism, it sounds a lot like him and I do suspect something there with him...he can fixate for hours on complex projects for work but can't remember to get milk.

For the person that posted about an affair...I can see myself headed that way...I'm not even bothered about sex but emotional cheating I could definitely see happening...

I have had a rough old time recently, bereaved amongst other things....he just doesn't appear to care.

My children are my world, I know it's such a cliché but they are two amazing kids, DH home tomorrow evening...I don't know how to react if he doesn't apologise...I dont want an atmosphere for the kids but I dont want him to think everything is back fine .....I cant leave anytime in the near future but I think I will start to plan for it....should I just be civil to him and sort of avoid as much aw possible?

OP posts:
zeibesaffron · 04/12/2024 18:52

Yes this would be enough for me to
walk away - he is minimising his behaviour, taking no responsibility for his actions, blaming everyone else apart from the one person who didn’t listen, who got lost and who slammed his car door into a wall. Your kids are begging you to make it right, to not tread on eggshells! He does need to apologise and he does need to understand you won’t be playing happy families on sat. Equally your kids are telling you what needs to happen - do they really feel safe?

I would put a hold on my career break and go back to work so you can plan your next steps.

Womblewife · 04/12/2024 18:09

Your children are being affected and your dd will start to think this is what marriage is like. Don’t continue to let them be exposed to this. Personally I would leave. Dh needs therapy and counselling before you could even consider getting back involved later on .

theworldie · 04/12/2024 18:03

You can't fix these issues if he can't even have an honest conversation with you and admit fault/apologise when he acts like a dick. So it's up to you to decide whether you can spend the rest of your life putting up with his behaviour.

My dh was like this (the strategic incompetence/lack of care and consideration, not the anger - but twisting everything so that I was just "a nag" and he was the poor henpecked husband) Over time I got so sick of it I just lost all feeling for him and became really angry and resentful. It was like I had to numb myself to always being bottom of his list and not feeling like he ever had my back, along with him being emotionally avoidant and never willing to have mature conversations about our issues. My attempts at trying to resolve our issues fell on deaf ears and he'd blameshift, minimise or leave the room. So long story short I ended up having an affair. I didn't go looking but met a man who i thought was wonderful, caring and there for me and I fell in love. I'm not advocating this - it was a huge mistake and wrong, wrong, wrong and I regret it massively. But this guy (who turned out to be a wolf in sheeps clothing) came along at a point where I was extremely low and vulnerable and I was basically ripe for the picking.

I admitted the affair quite quickly as i felt so guilty and told him I wanted a divorce, the house valuing etc. Not because I felt I was going to run into the arms of this other man, I knew there was no future there, but because it had made me realise how I couldn't go on in my marriage to someone I felt I couldn't even talk to.
i really thought it was the end of our marriage and there was no going back. I never wanted to hurt him but everything just exploded and I couldn't take it any more.

The result ended up being a complete turnaround by my dh once he realised he was going to lose me. He's finally become the caring husband I wanted. One who makes me a cup of tea, goes to the shop for milk and listens when I'm speaking and has conversations like an adult. He answers my texts and calls and pays me compliments. This was a year ago and our marriage is currently really good and improving all the time. There are still issues but just feeling like he is honestly trying to do his best and cares about my happiness has been life changing to our relationship.

Thats my experience for what it's worth anyway. I'd tell him you're considering divorce and see if it galvanises any change in him. Otherwise your resentment will lead to you dying inside imo. When I look back now I honestly think I had a mental breakdown as a result of being so bloody unhappy.

Fannyfiggs · 04/12/2024 17:54

Apart from providing financially, is there any point to him? He doesn't get involved with the kids and any time he has to, he sees it as helping. I can take an educated guess and say you do all the housekeeping?

When he's away, you and the kids are relaxed and get on well in your own routine. When he comes back there's a cloud over the home where you're all tense and on edge?

I know you said you can't leave just now, but can you start to make plans cos I'm sure you would all have much happier, relaxed lives without him.

Unless he listens to you and gets help for his anger / issues, be it therapy or help from his GP or both and shows real change in his behaviour towards you all.

Sending you love and strength ❤️

Semiramide · 04/12/2024 17:46

You AND your children are being abused. Read Dr Bancrofts book mentioned above.

This is the wrong time to have a 'career break'. You need to get back to work and focus on becoming financially independent.

In the meantime, collect all financial documentation, talk to an experienced family solicitor and put together a plan. Useful resources:

  • Wikivorce
  • Divorce for Dummies
  • family solicitors websites
Dotto · 04/12/2024 17:41

Sockmate123 · 04/12/2024 17:38

Would this be enough for you to walk away?

Show quote history

Honesty, yes, especially if he sees no problem with blowing up in the house, roaring at people, putting holes in walls. I wouldn't be putting my children through living in fear.

Original poster
Sockmate123 · 04/12/2024 17:38

Dotto · 04/12/2024 16:26

He won't change. We can't make it bearable or fixable for you.

Would this be enough for you to walk away?

OP posts:
Dotto · 04/12/2024 16:26

He won't change. We can't make it bearable or fixable for you.

Original poster
Sockmate123 · 04/12/2024 16:18

So just an update...he is away with work for 2 nights, he left 7am yesterday...Just text an hour ago asking 'is everything ok at home?'. I said yes then he proceeded to tell me about a small errand I need to do tomorrow.

I text him saying that's fine but he really needs to apologise for his behaviour. He denied it all, said i was 'hen pecking and baiting him' 🙄 and that I am now gaslighting him.

Said I am writing all this down (texting) to gaslight him. He's acting very paranoid. I tried to say to him that I'm actually concerned about getting lost on the journey. I said i think he is worried himself and that's why he erupted.

Denied erupting, Denied getting lost, it was the sat nav fault etc then said he is busy and is 'closing this down' and hadn't responded or read follow up texts.

There is a family fun day at his work on Saturday, he'll want us all there, happy families making him look good. I told him not I'm not going unless this is resolved and a late night apology on Friday wont cut it. I'm not some accessory for him and neither are the children.

Any advice on what to do next?

OP posts:
Original poster
Sockmate123 · 02/12/2024 09:18

DilemmaDelilah · 02/12/2024 07:56

Actually I'm going against the flow and wondering whether perhaps he has some health or mental health issues that are affecting him at the moment? I havent read any of your previous posts, so I don't know what he is like usually, but not being able to remember how to get somewhere he has been to many times before is not normal. And quite often fear breeds aggression, so if he is worried about his health or under a lot of stress that could be one of the reasons he is being so aggressive at the moment. It doesn't make it right, and it sure as hell doesn't make it easy to live with, but it's something to consider.

I had considered this. He is like this on and off for years though. But it is more frequent episodes. His mother has bipolar so I do think you have a point and that's I suppose what keeps holding me back from leaving him as he can be very kind and funny and is a hardworking man. In other words not a complete dick but this behaviour is not acceptable and he refuses to acknowledge that to me even though I know he knows!

OP posts:
DilemmaDelilah · 02/12/2024 07:56

Actually I'm going against the flow and wondering whether perhaps he has some health or mental health issues that are affecting him at the moment? I havent read any of your previous posts, so I don't know what he is like usually, but not being able to remember how to get somewhere he has been to many times before is not normal. And quite often fear breeds aggression, so if he is worried about his health or under a lot of stress that could be one of the reasons he is being so aggressive at the moment. It doesn't make it right, and it sure as hell doesn't make it easy to live with, but it's something to consider.

VacuumPacked · 02/12/2024 00:12

@Sockmate123 - he is being strategic - whilst he is away, read
Lundy Bancroft, “Why does he do that?” or maybe, in your present
mindset, the strategist’s strategist Sun Tzu ha ha

we cannot tell you what to say to your children who seem watchful

keep us posted !

Original poster
Sockmate123 · 01/12/2024 23:05

VacuumPacked · 01/12/2024 22:19

this is deliberate so that you won’t ask him to take your son again and it’s working - the shouting is to mask this

be calm and walk away humming when he flies into a rage/tantrum - remember to reward good behaviour, refuse to acknowledge bad

good luck OP many of us have gone before with this, weaponised incompetence indeed. Look this up and do your research whilst he is away? perhaps, which will
be a light shining on your marriage.

Thank you for your kind message. I cant wait for him to go. Tuesday morning early he'll leave and won't see til Thursday afternoon. He'll snap out of his mood but not apologise....its the same pattern always 🙄

OP posts:
VacuumPacked · 01/12/2024 22:19

this is deliberate so that you won’t ask him to take your son again and it’s working - the shouting is to mask this

be calm and walk away humming when he flies into a rage/tantrum - remember to reward good behaviour, refuse to acknowledge bad

good luck OP many of us have gone before with this, weaponised incompetence indeed. Look this up and do your research whilst he is away? perhaps, which will
be a light shining on your marriage.

Original poster
Sockmate123 · 01/12/2024 22:12

I know guys, I've posted about him on here before. He can go months being OK but then he behaves like this. Nothing is his fault...its all me. My daughter keeps asking are you going to divorce. She really fears that.
I am not in a position financially to leave him at the moment, I am also recently bereaved. It's difficult enough time already. He's such a dick. What can I say to my children in the meantime??

OP posts:
Dotto · 01/12/2024 22:11

There's nothing you can say to your children about his behaviour that makes it ok. It's not fair on them.

Dotto · 01/12/2024 22:08

He's creating a threatening and abusive environment at home, aside from the general crapness. Flying into a rage and damaging your home is violence and not on. Silent treatment is emotional abuse.

Your children should not be around this. He needs to go.

Electricalb · 01/12/2024 22:00

Listen to your children.
They want to live in peace.
Get advice and start to plan a different future for you and them.

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