Resentful SAHM...

Shocked at some of the very sexiest views on here.

Just because he goes out to work does not mean you have to do everything all day long all evening long and all weekend long. The resentment is there for a reason!

Where the fuck is your time off?!

FGS. DH and I both work and need to to pay the bills. I don't have a fainting couch for the stress and a servant for the housework. This idea that men are so fragile that working for a living (like most people) means they have to do nothing else is utterly ridiculous.

He never gets a rest from the mental pressure, though.

Even on weekends the strain of being the breadwinner falls on him. He doesn't get a break from the stress of knowing he has no option but to please his bosses so he can support his dependents.

This. The breadwinner has that mental load, responsibility and stress 24/7. It's not just a matter of their working hours. It's the strain and stress.

Doing housework isn't remotely comparable.

Ah OP, the drudgery of the housework and childcare can seem relentless after a crappy weekend, can't it?

I'm a SAHM to a 9yo, 7yo and 3mo. Prior to DS arrival in August our set up looked like this.
I was responsible for
• children's education & socialisation (we home educate)
• cooking during the week
• majority of housework and laundry

DH was responsible for
• working
• joint childcare during the evenings and weekends
• cooking on weekends
• joint housework on evening and weekends

When I was ill, which includes mental health and pregnancy, he would pick up the slack, and when he was ill or incredibly busy at work (at times he ends up having to work late or weekends) then I did everything. Ultimately, we're a team and there will be times when I do more or he does more. It really helps that DH shows appreciation for what I do.

Atm, with DS's arrival, I'm not doing much except holding him, and educating and providing socialisation opportunities for my other 2 children. DH's parents have kindly come to help us until I'm able to do more again.

I see this so often.

What on earth do people think women with mad full on jobs do?

A hint: it’s not zero housework or childcare.

OP you shouldn’t be doing everything on the weekends. Do what is possible around childcare while he’s at work, sure. Once he’s home he does what ALL MOTHERS WHO WORK do: childcare and housework.

You both need some downtime, you both need to be taking care of your children.

It’s certainly true that the responsibility of parenting is both providing direct care and providing financially. For now he’s doing all of one and so you’ll do most of the other. But nobody should be sitting on their bum whilst their partner does childcare/housework.

More mouths to feed? More pressure to maintain the income

@Soscold if he was working three jobs, maybe. But it sounds like he's working one job, just like he would have been before. Doing less housework. Sorry, no.

Yup. DH never do any housework or laundry or cooking or whatever. He doesn’t even know how to turn on washing machine. But DH works so hard and lots lots overtime. DH earns very good money. he never complain or ask me to contribute anything money wise. I think of being as SAHM as my job. I keep the house clean, the children in check, cooking, laundry etc.

Some of these comments are unreasonably harsh, no doubt from people jealous of not being able to be a SAHM.

My opinion is that the division of chores is very uneven in your set up.

When you both worked full-time, did you split the housework and cooking 50/50?

When I became a SAHM I had this view that it was then my job to do EVERYTHING around the house, including all of the childcare, on top of all the night wakings, the breastfeeding etc. etc.

I eventually came to realise that actually DH should be doing his fair share when he's not at work, as I wasn't getting any respite whatsoever. Being a SAHM is work too, just because you're not bringing money into the family, you are saving it by not outsourcing the childcare and housekeeping duties.

You matter too. And your DH should absolutely be doing somethings around the house when he's not working. Cooking twice per week, the gardening, bins, some laundry as a minimum.

If you went back to work full-time, would he expect you to still do EVERYTHING then too? You are working, everyday 24/7, just not at a place of paid employment. He needs to appreciate you more and take some responsibility for his own home.

Have you thought of a weekly cleaner coming or an au pair to give you some time during the day? If not I'd get a pt job.

Are you saying you can’t work because childcare is too expensive? It’s natural to feel resentment if you are forced into a decision.

Easier THAN being single. A family is work and it shouldn’t just fall on you.

I think of it as it shouldn’t be easier than being single, and if you do almost no housework cooking or parenting then it is easier being single, it’s not like these men wouldn’t have their job if they didn’t have kids. Of course a man with a sahm can cook dinner. I worked for a man who didn’t get home in time to do dinner (we were often still at work at 8,9pm) so he started doing a Sunday roast with the kids.

This sounds like a top tier SAHM setup!

OP I would be irritated by this too, DP and I both work full time, we both contribute equally (we do different things but equal amounts of effort). I would be annoyed if it was unbalanced as equity is something I feel really strongly about. Outside of work hours, the contribution should be 50/50 or you will end up burning out.

Have you had a conversation about it? When occasionally my DP goes on a bit of a slide with contribution, I don’t ask him to do stuff, I just assume he is and ask how it’s going, very occasionally I will need to be direct and just ask him to get on with stuff, but I don’t position it like it’s to help me, it is to do his part, as a member of our household and dad to DC.

It's not fair if he is the breadwinner 9 til 5 and gets a nice rest every evening and most of the weekend, but you are on call 24 7 and running around like mad every evening and weekend. You need to work it so you have equal leisure time

I’m currently a SAHM (I’ve extended my maternity leave, don’t plan on going back to work until DC is 4) with a toddler.

We have a weekly cleaner (who does most of the laundry) and DC goes to the childminder three days a week from 9am-4pm. DH does most of the day to day tidying/cleaning/dishes, and most of DC dinners, bedtimes and breakfasts. We share night wakings (DC is a terrible sleeper). I do the other stuff (food, life admin, the rest of childcare, etc).

I feel pretty good about my life, but I think I’d be quite depressed if I had your setup.

No worries. Hope you steal some rest this evening

Him doing the school run is good in this sense. It’s hard with a toddler in tow.

No its not and its the wrong way to look at it. If you have one SAHP and one WOHP then the role of "breadwinner" is no less and no more important than the role of "breadmaker".

If you think of yourselves as a team running small business (the family!) then you should aim for each of you have equal "profits. Aim for equal leisure time (and studying or being at home with a toddler are not leisure time) and each should have equal shares of the "spending money".

The key thing is that word "team" and both being bought into equal shares of the benefits and equal work - whatever that work may be.

Eh?

Then they can work?

Being a full time parent is NOTHING like working full time in a salaried role with the pressures and insecurities that come with that. Knowing your hour to hour day feeds mouths and puts roofs over heads.