To expect my SIL to keep her aggressive cat away during Xmas?

"Same with the cat, it's not the actions of him protecting his kids, it's the significance behind it - showing her cat doesn't matter as much."

Of course not. OF COURSE her cat doesn't matter as much to her brother as his children's safety!!!!! OF COURSE. It would be genuinely insane for her to think that he should prioritise her cat.

One way of looking at it is you and husband are prioritising your babies, she is prioritising her fur baby. So a compromise needs to be found. It's not impossible and families do this every Christmas with inlaws and extended (human) families. You have suggested some sensible options.

These histrionics are not about the cat, or Christmas, it's about your SIL being the centre of attention at all times. Was she the golden child?

Not relevant and a bit mean but no wonder SIL is single!

Your duty is to your children. You can't have her cat scratching them. If she doesn't understand that, she needs to grow up. I wouldn't go near them.

If the cat is still invited and made welcome by your PIL, after what has happened before with cat injuries, then it’s clear they prioritise their DD rather than their DS and his family. They want you to fall into line …for a quiet life I suppose.
I would point that fact out to your DH and tell him that you and the children won’t be going as there’s a serious safeguarding issue at PIL’s house while the aggressive cat is there, poor thing.

A cat is a very independent creature and will hate being babied and carted around. It’s cruel. Time for SIL to grow up and face facts without wanting others to suffer with her. If she wants to resort to her tantrums, so be it, let her get on with that on her own. Don’t be her audience to fuel her nonsense.

If she loves the cat so much, she must either stay home with it, or leave it just for the day, or buy a cat feeder, or put it in a Cattery or get a cat sitter, or get a neighbour to feed it for two days. That’s the responsibility of owning a cat.
She must stop inflicting her misery on her cat and on everybody else too.

The cat will never enjoy its short breaks at PIL - it wants to be at its quiet home with its home comforts and its one slave to serve it and accept its arsy behaviour.
Failing that the cat would prefer to remain at home and have some other slave feed it. If your SIL insists on putting her own needs above the cat's then it needs a safe space at your PIL - it's own room with its stuff in.
If the cat is going to have to accommodate a different house, lots of people, and a selfish owner it's going to be nasty again.
At the very least this is not a relaxing time for anyone and it's potentially pretty dangerous. I think you can't do this for 2 full days - 2 minutes of kids jumping and me fearing a bad accident is enough as either a human mum or cat mum tbh - you'll have to not go if sil needs have to be accommodated over all human relatives as well as her cat's.
I may have missed it but is the cat a tortoiseshell? They're the sassiest /meanest? I know - tortitude!

Fucking hell, OP… MIL and SIL are attention-seeking arseholes and your DH is utterly spineless. Someone needs to shake the lot of them.

The cat doesn’t know what fucking day it is.
Cats hate little kids.
BOTH the cat and the kids are safer if kept separate.
it’s a fucking cat.
You would be a negligent mother deliberately putting your kids in harm’s way to appease a hysterionic aunt.

If you don’t lose your shit, please send me.

The whole family is torqued around the mist supposedly fragile members. DH snd FIL are the perpetual rescuers of the perpetual victims on the drama triangle. They can easily push OP and the children into the role of persecutor.

OP just stsy firm. Keep repeating “this os no big deal. Everyone is fine. If SIL doesn’t like her life she needs to get off her fucking ass and build one.”

Send your IL the research about cat psychology - they are territorial and much prefer the safety of their own territory - they do not react like kids and dogs to new locations.

Happiest cat scenario if cat has to come to ILs is that there's a room with all of the cat's 'stuff' - bed, blankets, toys, litter tray, food trays etc.

A safe space with all those things and protected from new noises and smells will make the fur baby much much happier.

Maybe there's a room that can be the cat's safe room and they get a cool cat tree etc so that every time the cat visits - not just at Christmas, the fur baby has their own special space.

Your husband's position is definitely not a "logical" one by the way...!

It's emotional as much as his sister's, except his emotional response is "please let me have calm and lack of fighting at any cost" rather than bursting into tears.

Logical would be "upset cats and toddlers don't mix, let's figure out a solution where they don't mix".

He and his dad are definitely having highly emotional knee-jerk reactions to conflict. Don't let him paint himself as the logical one in all this.

so it is all sorted then@juiceboxjuggle btw how old is sil?? do you live far away from pil?? is cat a house cat?? if it is then it can really stay in its own hows for 2.5days anyway

You could use the “how would you feel if the children were hurting your car and I did nothing/expected you to ignore it?” We’ve got to be sensible and make sure everyone has a good Christmas. If we can’t find a solution I think I’d sadly prefer to stay at home.
As for your husband saying things are non negotiable- erm no! They bloody are. Or he will be negotiating a divorce.

Your in-laws are all complete loons and your husband's a fucking idiot. I wouldnt be spending another Christmas with his crackpot family. And that would be non-negotiable.

Your children should be able to enjoy their Christmas without fear of being attacked by a feral bloody animal or witnessing any more ridiculous histrionics FFS.

This.

On a side note, your ILs sound absolutely bonkers!

She’s alone and sad because she’s a total nutter… honestly the whole bloody family sound deranged..they need therapy.
SiL needs to get a grip

If the cat needs to be "free to roam", then surely it can be free in the back garden?

The in-laws sound like hard work. Sounds like everyone is treading on eggshells to not say or do the wrong thing to upset SIL anyway.
I can relate to this a lot. When I was growing up there would be atmospheres whenever we visited my father’s side of the family (for the record my father is a toxic individual anyway) and my “aunt” would be sat with a face like thunder and not speak to anyone or she’d just leave when we arrived. Had to be careful what you said or you’d upset “our Lynne” and the same applied to my grandfather - he was a moody git and would fly off the handle.
I was glad when I was old enough to be in a position to say, “I’m not going.”

I think you could say you’d like the children and you to have happy memories of Christmas with the in laws. Not fraught atmospheres and savage cats!

What if the scratch is to their eyes? How will he deal with that?

“It’s not the same”

Fair enough if that’s how they see it, but that’s still their choice then to have the cat locked away.

There is a very reasonable alternative of seeing the kids a few days earlier and then having the SIL and cat roam free at Christmas in the absence of your kids. They’re just choosing not to go for it and saying seeing the kids “needs” to be on the 25th.

This whole situation is entirely of their (PIL and SIL) own making because of course cat can be left alone either in the room or at the sisters home.

The only non-negotiable in this should be that your kids deserve safety.

Everyone else needs to bend around that fact, it shouldn’t be on you to compromise your and your kids safety needs to satisfy their wants

Talking about infections -

I have had cats all my life 60 years plus.

My neighbour and I have cat sat for each other for 8 years.

5 years ago one of her cats scratched me on the hand near my middle finger and drew blood. I washed it immediately but it was too late.
It was infected and started to swell.
I went to the pharmacy to see if they had anything ( being a Sunday the GP was closed ) and yes I got something, it didn't work.
The whole hand was swollen within a few hours, and I saw the GP the next morning. 2 complete courses of antibiotics later nothing was working :(
GP decided to send me to hospital so I could have antibiotics ( or something ) by drip.

No.

it was decided to admit me for an operation the next day.

I was off work for over a couple of weeks as I couldn't drive / get dressed properly etc. Had to get physiotherapy for 6 weeks to get the fingers working properly again and wore some type of glove on my hand to help.

5 years later I can still see the little scar on my hand where they operated.

Could / would you inlaws cope mentally if something similar happened to one of their grandchildren...

OP they are nuts.
Stay firm. But if they promise Christmas will be cat-free and you end up going there, have a plan B ready for when batshit sil turns up with moggie.
Such as pile the kids back in the car and go home.
I don't think you can trust them to keep any promises when sil turns on the water works.

🎼Last Christmas cat scratched DC’s calf and the very next day we shooed it away. This year to save SIL’s tears we’ll appease her because she’s “special!”😉

In all seriousness I think you’ve done the right thing sending the message. Your suggestions are very sensible and reasonable. The SIL can still bring the cat with her but it stays in a room where it will be disturbed only by SIL going in to check on it. Like others have said SIL is not putting the cat first. Cats don’t like change in my experience and being uprooted from familiar surroundings and plonked in a place with more people than live in its usual home, making noise will be the last thing it wants.

I think SensibleSigma’s suggestion of making a fuss would have been another valid option to go ahead with. “Is the cat in here? Where’s the cat? Can anyone see the cat? Have you got a good grip on the cat?DH, keep an eye on the cat make sure it’s not near Fred. Is the cat scratching little Jenny? Come here, Jenny, sit on my lap, so the cat doesn’t scratch you.”

You have a very strange power dynamic in your relationship. The fact that his family dominate every Christmas period, the fact that your husband demands non negotiables, the fact your child has been hurt and he prioritises a cat and his sisters feelings over his own small child! What is even more worrying is you signified that his injury was greater importance than your child's.

My response would be simple, I can't control your cat but I can place boundaries to keep my children safe, if you won't compromise and keep your cat out of the dining room then my children can't be in that environment. If he doesn't like it I really would not give a flying monkey because I have little respect for selfishness. If she prioritises her cats temporary isolation over the safety of her nieces and nephews then I would not give a monkeys about her either!

But you won't do that because the power is with your husband, so I would be armed with some cat scaring device at the dinner table

This is neither your circus, nor indeed your monkeys. This is super odd behaviour. What did you say? You need to be careful they don't make you apologise and agree to something other than what you've stipulated. Repeat what you said in the family chat: That is how things must be, as you cannot have your children injured again.