Page 19 | To expect my SIL to keep her aggressive cat away during Xmas?

juiceboxjuggle · 2024-12-01T17:29:27+00:00

My sister-in-law (SIL), has a cat that’s… let’s just say, ^difficult^. The cat is quite aggressive—she’s bitten me before while I was just sitting on the sofa, scratched my husband simply for sitting too close to her toy, and even leapt at people with claws out from the back of a sofa or armchair. She also has this habit of scratching legs under the table while people are eating. It’s not exactly a relaxing presence. This Christmas, we’re staying at my parents-in-law’s (PILs) house for two nights, which is non-negotiable with my husband. SIL will also be staying, and, as always, she’ll be bringing her cat. The cat is her world, and last year, when I gently suggested she keep the cat in a separate room during meals, she was really upset. She insists the cat needs to be “free to roam.” As a result, last Christmas was stressful. Despite my best efforts to keep an eye on my two toddlers, one of them ended up with a big scratch from the cat while swinging their legs under the table—just normal kid behavior. To make matters worse, my husband has also been scratched in the past, simply because the cat was annoyed he wasn’t feeding her. I’m dreading a repeat of last year and honestly don’t know how to handle this situation. How do I keep my kids safe without upsetting SIL again? I’d love to be able to enjoy a meal without constantly chasing the cat away or worrying about potential injuries. Any advice on how to navigate this?

cheddercherry · 01/12/2024 17:50

I’d rather upset my DH and SIL rather than have my very small children scratched and bitten by a (by the sounds of it stressed out and unsettled) cat, just saying. You’re protecting the wrong peoples feelings tiptoeing around your frankly ridiculous husband and his family. I also feel for the cat being carted about in all this.

ADreamIsAWishYourArseMakes · 01/12/2024 17:50

I think frame it around the cats welfare. Hear me out..

Cats don't usually attack people, especially not children. They are tiny mammals and don't want to pick fights, they want to run away. I think this cat sounds really stressed out, they are highly territorial and sensitive to changes in environment. The cat would choose to stay home with an auto feeder.

I'd say something like "oh SIL your kitty seemed so stressed and anxious last year, I know the little angel wouldn't attack usually, have you thought about a home feeder? My DC were really upset after being attacked and I would want to destroy their relationship with cat".

If that doesn't work I'd just put your foot down and say you won't go if it means your kids might be attacked.

Theunamedcat · 01/12/2024 17:49

Cat calming treats and catnip toys the calming treats will give the cat shit that stinks of a thousand deaths but it usually calms them down

Original poster

juiceboxjuggle · 01/12/2024 17:48

pinneddownbytabbies · 01/12/2024 17:43

I've had cats all my life and I would not allow mine to pester for food at the table. They get fed a gut-busting dinner just as I'm dishing up, so they are so full they aren't bothered by what we're eating.

I would also certainly attempt to separate cats from people who are uncomfortable in their presence, or (especially small children) who do not know how to behave around cats. More for the animal's benefit than the kids, to be honest.

Your SIL might think the cat is 'her world' and love it to bits, but by bringing the cat to a stressful environment like this, she is demonstrating that she knows fuck all about animal welfare and has a complete disregard of what would actually be best for the cat in question.

Edited

The issue is that there aren't really things that the cat isn't allowed to do. Hard to explain, but she does a sort of "gentle parenting" with her cat. In the same way you wouldn't leave your child locked inside a room whilst everyone is eating, she wouldn't with her cat. You wouldn't firmly and strictly say to your child NO in gentle parenting, so SIL picks up the cat and calmly says "we shouldn't really scratch people, should we? That hurts!" whilst cuddling ie rewards the scratch with a cuddle.

OP posts:

toomuchfaff · 01/12/2024 17:48

I'm sorry but I'm afraid I wouldn't be going if SIL is taking her cat because of the injuries your children incurred last time.

It's me and the kids or the cat, and if the cat wins, I'd have Christmas at home with the children, and when PIL moan, tell them, they chose a cat, that was their choice, not mine.

If DH moans, then tell him to go, you'll see him when he get back.

pinneddownbytabbies · 01/12/2024 17:48

SofandaCox · 01/12/2024 17:43

I would tell her the cat will be getting kicked if it scratches me or my children.

If anyone ever kicked any of my cats they'd wish they hadn't.

romdowa · 01/12/2024 17:47

No way would I go and allow my small kids to be scratching posts for that evil cat. Dh could be upset about it all he likes.

HideousKinky · 01/12/2024 17:47

juiceboxjuggle · 01/12/2024 17:45

"Oh no! I hope Jenny is OK, I think Fuzz was just scared by the swinging legs"
and when my husband was scratched, I distinctly remember being shocked at her response of "ah she often does that, she wants to be fed"

Show quote history

Damage limitation re the legs swinging under the table - make sure your children are wearing trousers so this cannot happen again this year

Dontwearmysocks · 01/12/2024 17:47

That cat is most likely stressed out at having to be transplanted into a busy, unfamiliar household setting. Who the hell would take a cat on a trip? Weird.

i would have to say something the the SIL.

Santasbigredbobblehat · 01/12/2024 17:46

Whatever you say is going to upset her, as you’ve seen, so you might as well be completely honest. She’s going to be pissy either way.
I’m disappointed in your husband and his family.

GranPepper · 01/12/2024 17:45

juiceboxjuggle · 01/12/2024 17:36

What can I say to her? How do I even phrase it?

DH won't deal with it because his sister was literally in tears last year and his approach is that it's only 3 days / 2 nights, we should keep a close eye on our children, it'll be exhausting but at least peaceful (he avoids conflict like the plague).

For more context, his sister is child free but desperately wanted a child (never met the right man, hasn't dated for years) so she treats the cat like her child and sometimes compares the cat to her child ie "she's my baby, as much as X and Y are yours - how could I shut her out / how can I spend Xmas away from her?!" The PILs also don't intervene because they don't want to upset SIL. Any discussions regarding her cat being aggressive or in fact not equal in importance to a child end in SIL crying.

"he avoids conflict like the plague". But he doesn't if it's you he is in conflict (disagreement) with, it seems to me. Why is he avoiding conflict with SIL and PIL but thinks it's fine to unilaterally rule that it's non-negotiable that your family stay with PIL over Xmas?

RandomMess · 01/12/2024 17:45

I would be telling DH he can you on his own.

That poor cat is incredibly stressed and would be happier shut in a quiet room upstairs on its own.

Ask SIL how she would feel if one of your DC deliberate hurt her cat?

Original poster

juiceboxjuggle · 01/12/2024 17:45

Santasbigredbobblehat · 01/12/2024 17:41

What did she say when your children were hurt by a cat? I can’t believe people like this exist. I think I’d be not going.

"Oh no! I hope Jenny is OK, I think Fuzz was just scared by the swinging legs"
and when my husband was scratched, I distinctly remember being shocked at her response of "ah she often does that, she wants to be fed"

OP posts:

bluebeck · 01/12/2024 17:45

juiceboxjuggle · 01/12/2024 17:41

I completely agree with everyone that it should be DH saying something, but it won't because he avoids conflict massively, so it'll have to be me.
He vaguely said something last year and the narrative was very much "how could you affect SIL? Look at her now, she's so upset and it's Christmas. It's bad enough for her as all her friends are with their husbands and children, and she naturally feels sad as she desperately wants that but can't have it. Don't add insult to injury"

Anyway... how do I phrase it and what do I say?

You say “The DC and I are not coming as we don’t want to get injured by the cat.”

XxSideshowAuntSallyx · 01/12/2024 17:44

I had a cat like that, turned out she was blind in one eye and hated movement on that side but also hated the noise and hustle and bustle of a busy family home. When I moved out I took her with me and she turned into a lovely placid cat and never attacked again.

The cat would probably prefer to be kept in a quiet room away from everyone and the noise and commotion that comes with Christmas and children.

Don't come at it as the cat is aggressive maybe buy it a nice igloo or bed and then suggest to sister in law that the cat may like to spend time in a quiet room in it's new bed. Because it probably would prefer that.

SofandaCox · 01/12/2024 17:43

I would tell her the cat will be getting kicked if it scratches me or my children.

pinneddownbytabbies · 01/12/2024 17:43

I've had cats all my life and I would not allow mine to pester for food at the table. They get fed a gut-busting dinner just as I'm dishing up, so they are so full they aren't bothered by what we're eating.

I would also certainly attempt to separate cats from people who are uncomfortable in their presence, or (especially small children) who do not know how to behave around cats. More for the animal's benefit than the kids, to be honest.

Your SIL might think the cat is 'her world' and love it to bits, but by bringing the cat to a stressful environment like this, she is demonstrating that she knows fuck all about animal welfare and has a complete disregard of what would actually be best for the cat in question.

Inmydreams88 · 01/12/2024 17:42

Did you post this last year? This seems very familiar.

Original poster

juiceboxjuggle · 01/12/2024 17:41

I completely agree with everyone that it should be DH saying something, but it won't because he avoids conflict massively, so it'll have to be me.
He vaguely said something last year and the narrative was very much "how could you affect SIL? Look at her now, she's so upset and it's Christmas. It's bad enough for her as all her friends are with their husbands and children, and she naturally feels sad as she desperately wants that but can't have it. Don't add insult to injury"

Anyway... how do I phrase it and what do I say?

OP posts:

Santasbigredbobblehat · 01/12/2024 17:41

What did she say when your children were hurt by a cat? I can’t believe people like this exist. I think I’d be not going.

Snoopdoggydog123 · 01/12/2024 17:40

Make the bitch cry.

"SIL. I'm telling you this once and once only. Your cat hurts my kids. I hurt your cat"

Obviously you shouldn't have to hurt the cat as she should then be proactive.

Bit shot being your kids though isn't it.
Everyone else loved more than them

bluebeck · 01/12/2024 17:38

I would tell DH you aren’t going. You need to prioritise your DC. He can still go if he wants to get savaged by SILS cat

DreamyB · 01/12/2024 17:38

juiceboxjuggle · 01/12/2024 17:36

What can I say to her? How do I even phrase it?

DH won't deal with it because his sister was literally in tears last year and his approach is that it's only 3 days / 2 nights, we should keep a close eye on our children, it'll be exhausting but at least peaceful (he avoids conflict like the plague).

For more context, his sister is child free but desperately wanted a child (never met the right man, hasn't dated for years) so she treats the cat like her child and sometimes compares the cat to her child ie "she's my baby, as much as X and Y are yours - how could I shut her out / how can I spend Xmas away from her?!" The PILs also don't intervene because they don't want to upset SIL. Any discussions regarding her cat being aggressive or in fact not equal in importance to a child end in SIL crying.

I understand that you’re sad for her but becoming overly emotional meaning she gets her own way about an aggressive animal is manipulation. I would fight fire with fire, start crying yourself about being worried about your DC’s safety.

Createausername1970 · 01/12/2024 17:37

If it's non negotiable with your husband, then I would be saying the kids safety is therefore totally his responsibility as it's him insisting on going, knowing that this cat is a menace, and if the kids get scratched by the cat again then it's the last time you will agree to go.

Point out that all the adults are putting the cat above the children, which is crazy seeing as it's not even the cats domain.

SensibleSigma · 01/12/2024 17:37

Teach your dc to sit cross legged at the table, or kneel, if they are able.

Then fuss relentlessly. At the moment this is your problem. You need to make it their problem.
“Is the cat in here? Where’s the cat? Can anyone see the cat? Have you got a good grip on the cat?DH, keep an eye on the cat make sure it’s not near Fred. Is the cat scratching little Jenny? Come here, Jenny, sit on my lap, so the cat doesn’t scratch you. Ow, shit, that cat scratched me again!”

Ideally without teaching your dc to fear cats.

Ideally enough to make everyone sick of the sight of the cat.