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He's giving me the silent treatment over a joke, who's unreasonable here?

220 replies

Catsforeva · 01/12/2024 16:54

So the thread is about a guy I've been seeing.

I went to an event last night which lasted until the early hours. He and I were texting a bit and he suggested I come over to his afterwards, if you get my drift.

I thought he was pulling my leg as he has his DC on weekends and doesn't stay up late himself.

Anyway.

I made a silly joke this morning about how I did buzz his apartment on the way past but he must have been snoring so loudly he didn't hear it. A playful jibe at his god awful snoring is what it was intended to be.

It's not funny, I know. I was just being daft.

At this point he sends me a picture of his intercom (which was on silent mode) and says "omg, so sorry. The kids must have pressed the buttons" quickly followed by another message which said "I'm so annoyed" IE annoyed that his kids had been fiddling with the intercom and as a result he'd missed out on seeing me.

I immediately responded saying that I was joking and not to tell them off because I hadn't actually come home that way and didn't press his buzzer.

He replies to say he has already told them off.

I feel terrible at this point and apologise, sincerely.

He ignores the message and has been giving me the silent treatment since 8am this morning which is completely uncharacteristic of him as he's a big texter.

He's now sharing quotes which say 'I'm into being a father. That's what I'm focusing on' which is clearly some sort of indirect towards me.

I feel a bit blindsided and confused as to why this has been blown so out of proportion. We are always bantering back and forth. He has been a wind up merchant himself on occasion and I've never reacted like this.

I would really appreciate your perspective. Do you think this is proportionate?

Am I a total dick, is he being one or do we both sound ridiculous?

Thank you. Regular poster/commenter under a name change.

OP posts:
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7
MintyFreshest · 01/12/2024 20:12

Ugh, he sounds insufferable.

But, what if his next message is full of apologies? Are you going to forgive him?

I hope not!

GridlockonMain · 01/12/2024 20:12

SugarandSpiceandAllThingsNaice · 01/12/2024 20:04

Why? A telling off can simply be a hey don’t mess with the intercom. Everyone is imagining this bloke doing some sort of screaming fit by using words like “bollocking”.

I didn’t saying anything about screaming fits or bollocking. I said ‘telling off’, which is the phrase OP used, and says he used.

A telling off isn’t fair when the children didn’t do anything wrong. A reasonable parent would speak to their kids first and establish what, if anything, actually happened before telling anyone off. Him telling off his kids based on a throwaway comment by his partner is poor parenting in my opinion.

Sceptical123 · 01/12/2024 20:12

Likely scenario - he wanted a shag. He was disappointed he didn’t get one. You tell him his kids are responsible. He blames them, is angry tells them off. Now you say it was a joke so he has to face the fact he let rip at his kids presumably more angrily than normal over a trivial situation bc he wanted to get his dick wet.

5128gap · 01/12/2024 20:08

Catsforeva · 01/12/2024 19:26

If that were the case what do you think his motivation would be? It's definitely possible, I'm just wondering what he'd gain from it?

The obvious thought it that he really did think he'd slept through it (a lot to drink maybe) and thought the silent buzzer story sounded better.

SugarandSpiceandAllThingsNaice · 01/12/2024 20:06

Catsforeva · 01/12/2024 18:59

Is that you John?

I'm also a single parent, thanks. I have 3 DC.

As for instant messages all day long.. he is the one who initiates those.

I hear from him every day without fail. Always him texting first.

If I haven't responded in a while he starts posting endless stories/updates to get my attention or commenting on mine.

You have read this completely wrong.

I might be a bit shit at comedy but I'm not the red flag here.

Maybe he is rethinking being with you after the stunt you just pulled.

Daisybuttercup12345 · 01/12/2024 20:05

I would get rid of him for silent treatment. Huge red flag.

SugarandSpiceandAllThingsNaice · 01/12/2024 20:04

GridlockonMain · 01/12/2024 20:03

It would be a red flag to me that he told off his kids on such small provocation. That’s bad parenting, even without the juvenile silent treatment shit.

Why? A telling off can simply be a hey don’t mess with the intercom. Everyone is imagining this bloke doing some sort of screaming fit by using words like “bollocking”.

SugarandSpiceandAllThingsNaice · 01/12/2024 20:03

n3f5 · 01/12/2024 19:37

We've found the humourless boyfriend! Right here!

Even OP admits her “joke” wasn’t at all humorous.

GridlockonMain · 01/12/2024 20:03

It would be a red flag to me that he told off his kids on such small provocation. That’s bad parenting, even without the juvenile silent treatment shit.

SugarandSpiceandAllThingsNaice · 01/12/2024 20:02

Wonderi · 01/12/2024 19:58

How was the joke implied?

He invited her around.
She said she went round and buzzed the buzzer but he didn’t answer, so he must not have heard it.

Most people wouldn’t think that was a joke, as a joke is meant to be funny but that wasn’t.

If you invited a man meet you for a drink and he didn’t come but told you he did for a joke, how would you know he was joking without him actually saying it.

What is it with some people playing games and expecting their partner to be a mind reader.

If my bf said he knocked on my door but I didn’t answer, then I would assume he was being serious and not joking.

Me too. It would never enter my mind that it was a lie being passed of as a joke. Who jokes about something like that?

SugarandSpiceandAllThingsNaice · 01/12/2024 20:01

n3f5 · 01/12/2024 19:35

The joke was implied, are people really in need of everything being explained all the time?

It’s nigh on impossible to tell if a joke is a joke in a text based message without some sort of emoji or other visual cue.

SugarandSpiceandAllThingsNaice · 01/12/2024 20:00

LesterMin · 01/12/2024 18:55

Him following up with an extra message just to state "I'm so annoyed" is what's given me this idea. I could be wrong of course but that's the danger with inferring things from a third hand account of the situation. If it's not the vibe OP got from him then of course she is welcome to ignore.

That’s quite a leap. It’s not like she or he were entitled to sex if she had gone over to his that night. It’s much more likely he was “so annoyed” about the DC messing with the intercom seeing as how that comment came as follows “omg, so sorry. The kids must have pressed the buttons" quickly followed by another message which said "I'm so annoyed"

He had no idea she was lying as some sort of har har jokes on you at that point, so why would he be annoyed at OP?

Wonderi · 01/12/2024 19:58

n3f5 · 01/12/2024 19:35

The joke was implied, are people really in need of everything being explained all the time?

How was the joke implied?

He invited her around.
She said she went round and buzzed the buzzer but he didn’t answer, so he must not have heard it.

Most people wouldn’t think that was a joke, as a joke is meant to be funny but that wasn’t.

If you invited a man meet you for a drink and he didn’t come but told you he did for a joke, how would you know he was joking without him actually saying it.

What is it with some people playing games and expecting their partner to be a mind reader.

If my bf said he knocked on my door but I didn’t answer, then I would assume he was being serious and not joking.

Blueblell · 01/12/2024 19:44

He feels guilty for having a go at his kids and knows the real reason he did so.

VimesandhisCardboardBoots · 01/12/2024 19:41

I think if the roles were reversed here then the man would have been accused of gaslighting. It was a fairly shitty joke to play.

skibidimom · 01/12/2024 19:39

The wanky instagram quote is rather funny given that his focus wasn't on his children when he was bollocking them for making him miss out on a shag.

n3f5 · 01/12/2024 19:37

SugarandSpiceandAllThingsNaice · 01/12/2024 18:18

This is probably going to get me a roasting but I would stop the messaging and have a chat with him.

Your joke/prank wasn’t funny. It was an at his expense jibe about snoring which isn’t something most people can control.

I don’t think you can really classify him sharing quotes on a public platform with a larger group as underhand things directed at you.

I don’t think it’s quite the silent treatment as you’ve apologised and then gone silent too. Silent treatment is when you are repeatedly ignored for a long period of time despite repeated attempts to communicate.

I personally would reach out. Maybe he’s not sure how to handle the apology for your really mean joke and is just taking time a space. He has DC and sorry but DC always come first to a parent over any new girlfriend or boyfriend. He likely has had a busy day just doing childcare and such.

We've found the humourless boyfriend! Right here!

n3f5 · 01/12/2024 19:35

Wonderi · 01/12/2024 17:33

I personally would be really annoyed if my bf said he’d tried buzzing but I must not have heard it.

Honestly that would give me red flags.

If you were telling a joke, then why not say you were just joking at the end?

It took for him to check the intercom and say it must have been his kids for you to admit the truth

The joke was implied, are people really in need of everything being explained all the time?

Catsforeva · 01/12/2024 19:26

MakemyTeaPlease · 01/12/2024 19:17

Am I the only one thinking perhaps the buzzer hadn’t even been switched to silent and he might not have even had a go at the kids? As some sort of mind game. Or perhaps I’ve been on Mumsnet too long 🤪

My thoughts exactly.

If that were the case what do you think his motivation would be? It's definitely possible, I'm just wondering what he'd gain from it?

OP posts:
MakemyTeaPlease · 01/12/2024 19:17

Am I the only one thinking perhaps the buzzer hadn’t even been switched to silent and he might not have even had a go at the kids? As some sort of mind game. Or perhaps I’ve been on Mumsnet too long 🤪

My thoughts exactly.

Ohnobackagain · 01/12/2024 19:17

@Catsforeva exactly what @Pippa12 said. Totally jumping to the wrong conclusion - and not big enough to admit it. And too dim to follow and then not able to laugh at himself. Tw*t. Lucky escape for you I reckon!

LifeEdit · 01/12/2024 19:12

Get rid of him. A humourless man can be a dangerous man.

Catsforeva · 01/12/2024 19:07

Lougle · 01/12/2024 18:55

I actually feel for him. He gave you a subtle invitation to spend time with him. You gave him the impression that you had responded positively but hadn't got a response. He realises his intercom was on silent, apologises and you say, effectively, 'Ha, not really!. He has reprimanded his children for putting the intercom on silent.

I'd be embarrassed and feel like I'd been badly treated in that situation and I'm not sure how you can see red flags on his side.

I will take it on board.

I didn't give him any impression I would be going to his place last night so was surprised he thought I was being serious this morning.

Still, I can see it was a shit thing to do.

We have a joking/ribbing dynamic in general so what I said didn't feel unusual from the usual comms we have

About red flags, there have been a few things here and there that have made me wonder whether he would be a good person to be in a serious relationship with long term, so it's not just about this today.

I think his reaction to this today has just reaffirmed a gut feeling I already had, if that makes sense.

OP posts:
Billydavey · 01/12/2024 19:02

Lougle · 01/12/2024 18:55

I actually feel for him. He gave you a subtle invitation to spend time with him. You gave him the impression that you had responded positively but hadn't got a response. He realises his intercom was on silent, apologises and you say, effectively, 'Ha, not really!. He has reprimanded his children for putting the intercom on silent.

I'd be embarrassed and feel like I'd been badly treated in that situation and I'm not sure how you can see red flags on his side.

This, but of course it’s mumsnet so it has to be him at fault…

5128gap · 01/12/2024 19:01

SugarandSpiceandAllThingsNaice · 01/12/2024 18:18

This is probably going to get me a roasting but I would stop the messaging and have a chat with him.

Your joke/prank wasn’t funny. It was an at his expense jibe about snoring which isn’t something most people can control.

I don’t think you can really classify him sharing quotes on a public platform with a larger group as underhand things directed at you.

I don’t think it’s quite the silent treatment as you’ve apologised and then gone silent too. Silent treatment is when you are repeatedly ignored for a long period of time despite repeated attempts to communicate.

I personally would reach out. Maybe he’s not sure how to handle the apology for your really mean joke and is just taking time a space. He has DC and sorry but DC always come first to a parent over any new girlfriend or boyfriend. He likely has had a busy day just doing childcare and such.

If she reaches out and he 'forgives' her, that'll just mean she's back dating a guy who doesn't share her SOH, takes it out on his DC when he thinks he missed out on sex, and uses SM with all the aplomb of a non too bright teenage boy. OP has seen in good time that this guy isn't satisfactory so what's the point in reactivating him?