To resent having to make a big deal out of in laws birthdays

Crikey, you sound very joyless. YABU.

YANBU. My ILs make a big deal out of their birthdays and get huffy if I don't call them early enough on the day to wish them happy birthday. It also means they insist on spoiling my birthday by calling me.
Ds1 had the audacity to be born the day after my MIL. One year when he was small, we dared to have his party on her birthday because it fell on a Saturday. FIL came but MIL stayed home because 'people might pass by the house to wish me happy birthday'.

So you're a miserable martyr who chooses to go without and you hate anyone trying to have fun celebrating their own life and resent them for involving you in their life?

Weird thing to come and admit.

Maybe you need to look into what happened to cause you to have such hatred for celebrations of life, its a little worrying.

What does a "hissy fit" look like in this case?

Quite honestly, I'd be pleased if someone refused to come who was otherwise just going to sit there with a face like a smacked arse and be grumpy.

I get u OP but I think u
this is a case of 'putting up and shutting up.
Paint a smile on your face, it gets easier with practice

I had to laugh at this … it’s exactly what I was thinking.

Stop being such a killjoy OP, life’s to short for making mountains out of molehills!

Let them throw a hissy fit then?

Why can't you just put a smile on your miserable face twice a year?

In the words of the fiona is that a spirit behind you lady...lighten up, you miserable little thing.

If you’ve told them you’re not a party lover and don’t want to attend then their reaction is not your problem.
Stop attending something only because you don’t want a negative response.
Embrace your party pooping and ignore the backlash. If it’s not your bag it’s not your bag. Don’t upset yourself over it.

Specifically what do they expect you to do on their birthdays?

You don't like birthday parties for adults.
Your in laws do.
Not knowing them, they might just like to enjoy every moment they can. In their own way.
You don't want to do that. Fine.
Do you actually like them?

Well you're very much in the minority. All this birthdays are for children is just joyless nonsense. Do you plan on never celebrating your own children's birthdays as soon as they hit 18? Life can be hard, why make it even harder by refusing get together with loved ones for an evening to celebrate their birthday. I can't even comprehend how much of a misery youd have to be to moan about it.

Maybe they'd like to?

if not, don't go!

You don't want to please them, you hate it, so stop it

Calm yourself down, I haven't even given an opinion on the subject, just summarised what has happened 🙄

I don’t think this is really about birthdays. It’s more about OP not having a great relationship with inlaws I think.

We have family celebrations for everyone’s birthday - ours, our DC and their children. We even include the in-laws. Why? Because there are so many hard times we choose to celebrate the good times.

Only on here would people say 'dont go then' as a serious option. Good grief.

It is tiresome when adults act like children, yes. You probably have to grin and bear it for the most part I am afraid.

Op ...how many parties a year would you say..? If it's one for each family member..?

Look, as you say, this is YOUR opinion and what YOU THINK.

My mum loves a birthday, throws a big party every year. I never celebrate mine/ don’t tell people when it is. Horses for courses.

Different people think different things are important. Some people think their wedding is important and expect everyone to attend and celebrate. Some people think baby related things like baby showers are important. Others want to host a big family Christmas. And others are antisocial and just want to see select friends now and then.

If you care about someone, you are there for the things that make them happy. If your inlaws are jovial party-loving people then a part of showing them you care about them and love them is to join them in things they think are important.

As a child/ teen i loathed being a part of ‘annoying, pointless’ family occasions too. Then I grew up and realised that life is about giving and giving your time and company to people matters. They won’t be around forever, do things to make others happy

You sound like a right miserable cow 😂 I don't have birthday parties for myself, but if people I care about want to celebrate theirs, I'm there!

This is because you dislike them, surely, unless you really are that much of a misery guts?

In my case it's not reciprocal, because I never put my in laws out to celebrate my birthday.

It’s not reciprocal because you don’t want it. Your rather niche view on the subject of birthdays only being for children means you don’t WANT a celebration. Your in-laws would be disrespecting your wishes if you came home on your birthday to a bouncy castle on the lawn and jelly and ice cream.

I don’t think you’ve actually answered any of the questions about what these oh so onerous birthday celebrations actually entail?
Are they the birthday equivalent of a destination wedding, complete with BirthdayZilla MIL? 🦖

I think you should have been more upfront in your OP and just admitted you don’t like your ILs, have a poor relationship with them and don’t want to spend any time with them.

Ok not everyone enjoys being the centre of attention ie a fuss, but I think if no one wished you happy birthday you’d be a bit upset.

You sound utterly joyless. Do you sit there with a face like a slapped behind at these events?

I feel your pain. Every year my husband has a quiet birthday, I take him out, his parents arrange nothing for him. Yet when it comes to their birthdays, they expect my husband to organise and pay for everything.