To resent having to make a big deal out of in laws birthdays

Whereas I would like the whole concept of milestone birthdays to be abolished, but don't feel that way about adult birthdays in genera!!

I agree that people should not make a fuss if someone can't come to their party, whatever the occasion. People can have all kinds of reasons - health, prior commitments, childcare, etc, - and it's hurtful not to accept them. But are you certain that you haven't conveyed to them your disdain at adult birthdays? That would be a more understandable reason for them to be offended. If not, then they're being a bit U to kick off.

YANBU to resent hissy fits over the issue.

YABU to pass judgement on how other people to choose to celebrate their birthdays. If people wish to celebrate their birthdays as adults, that is their choice, and should be respected like any personal choice. (Just as people should respect my own strong wish never to be reminded of my birthday.)

See I wouldn't mind someone saying something like "it's my birthday on the 11th and a bunch of us are eating at _ at 7pm if you're free", good for you celebrating and I'll be there if it's feasible. I would resent the expectation that I make myself available every single year or get a hissy fit.

You sound like a fun sponge.

Birthdays are most definitely not just for kids! 😂 I love my birthday. We didn't have much growing up and I was number 4 of 6 kids so finally being an adult and being made a bit of a fuss off is fab. I don't expect it but it's lovely when people make an effort for you (& I always try to reciprocate). Of course it's fine if you don't like celebrating your own birthday OP but if you know someone else appreciates it, then go and make merry. It's not a big ask to go out for dinner or eat cake (unless you can't afford it or have crippling anxiety etc).

@beedsy I get you! YANBU

OP says he is an absent father so that probably adds more to it if she is the one that is wrangling the kids while everyone enjoys themselves.

The world also doesn’t revolve around her in-laws. Expecting someone to come to your birthday party every year regardless if they have other priorities/pressing matters Is ridiculous, even more so to hold it against them for missing one out of years.

We get this too, the very rigid expectation that everyone will be at every birthday in the wider family and other social occasions, despite what plans they have of their own, how busy their lives are or what distance they have to travel.

I love birthdays, but also value flexibility in being able to say no without a guilt trip or telling off. It is the consideration and respect of others that is missing,

We will have to agree to disagree, @SerafinasGoose, because the OP’s statement seems pretty clear about her wish that other adults shouldn’t celebrate their birthdays (other than big ones).

@beedsy , how does your partner feel about all this? He’s grown up in a family that make a big deal out of birthdays and probably thinks that’s normal and I assume loves his parents and wouldn’t want to upset them.
For me this is about good manners which is the art of giving due consideration to the feelings of others which you appear to be adamant you will not do. I’d say that was extremely selfish of you, petulant even. If twice a year for the sake of family happiness you can’t turn up, sing happy birthday and eat cake I really don’t know what to say, it’s hardly very much to ask.
PS
Everything isn’t all about you! 🙄

Look, people are allowed to be entitled idiots. And they're allowed to throw a hissy fit when they don't get what they think they're entitled to. You're also allowed to think they're ridiculous, ignore the hissy fit, think less of them for it and carry on as you please. You can't deny them their emotions, and you can't deny them the right to be idiots. Neither can they deny you the right to be a scrooge and not join their celebrations. Live and let live, in discomfort on both sides!

Was this the one in the far reaches of Scotland with no transport links?

Mumsnet is a laugh a minute 😂

No, that is simply her personal view. It's not a diktat that everyone else has to see this the same way she does. As it happens, I don't. DH and I do make a thing of celebrating ours with gifts and a meal and/or day out: just not with parties.

She's not telling her in-laws not to have parties. She simply doesn't want to attend all of them.

There is a big difference.

It reminds me of that infamous wedding thread where the OP couldn't make her brother's wedding and all these posters were telling her that she absolutely had to go. Memorable suggestions to "make it work" included chartering private transport and her family members camping on the grounds of the wedding venue.

@SerafinasGoose - in her OP, @beedsy said “…birthdays are for children and adults should only celebrate big birthdays…” - which, to me, looks very much like her wanting to dictate how others celebrate their birthdays!

What a relief to find a voice of common sense in an increasingly poison-vine filled wilderness.

This thread has surpassed even usual Mumsnet standards for its characteristic vicious responses, unnecessarily tearing holes in the OP's character and wilfully misunderstanding what she actually wrote. OP is not attempting to dictate how others spend their birthdays. She simply doesn't want to deal with the guilt trips and sulky behaviour she receives on politely declining an event which doesn't happen to be a pleasure.

Personally, if there is one idea I hate more than the thought of organised, choreographed jollity every year on my birthday, it would be having people attend these contrivances under sufferance. I want the company of those who enjoy being with me, who want to be there voluntarily, not because a vesuvius-style strop is in the offing because they've dared to decline. I can't bear the idea of being an obligation, a duty or a burden. I'd prefer my own company to that eventuality.

Evidently, the level of demand fellow-site-members agree is acceptable from their families, or that they expect from others, differs from mine. I'm all for everyone doing what makes them personally happy. And, yes. We did elope.

I agree that the in-laws are highly unreasonable to respond in this way when someone declines an invitation. How often is the platitude 'it's not a summons' trotted out on this site?

To read this thread, you'd never think it.

She didn't show up to one birthday and they really did care to the point of throwing a hissy fit. So maybe the OP doesn't have a face like she's been sucking on lemons all night, or maybe her ILs don't even care whether their guests are enjoying themselves or not.

A birthday every year is too much for you? Jeez. Either go and have a good time or say you can’t make it. Negative reaction? Shut it down. If they kick off then ask them not to invite you next time. Don’t feed the drama.

I love making family feel special on their birthdays. My MILs birthday this year, we made a lovely lunch and had a great time together. You don't seem to like your in laws and I can't imagine, based on your posts, that you bother to hide it.
Don't go and just leave it to those who love them to celebrate with them.

If that were the case, OP wouldn’t be so annoyed about it.

She missed one and they had an issue with it.

I bet they wouldn’t really care if you never showed up . You probably have a face like you’ve been sucking on lemons all night .

You sound miserable as, OP, with a whole load of mental baggage around birthdays . If you don't want to go, decline. If they throw a hissyfit that's their energy. You don't sound like you like them at all so you've lost nothing.

Exactly.

I choose to go on solo trips and outings for my birthdays. The thought of a party for me makes me cringe.

You are being mean spirited because you won’t accept their different view and make the best of it. You’re not even saying you don’t like parties just that you think adults shouldn’t have them. So it seems all that is troubling you is that people are aware you’re mean spirited and express their feelings about it.

Or to put it another way, they are expressing their opinion of your opinion.

Of course, birthdays aren't just for children! What a miserable attitude. And "non-birthday people"?? Just enjoy a nice day making someone feel loved.