Vile text

This is a great thread for discussing smartphones. Sorry OP if it has gone off on a tangent but it’s a really useful thread.

it IS possible to let your kids walk to school and play out without a phone. In year 6 mine was one of a small handful who didn’t have a phone and went to the park and went to and from school without being in contact with me. He was fine! It did take some getting used (on my part) but it is possible.

He was one of only a handful not in the class whatsapp group which sounded like an absolute nightmare.

He is now in Year 7 and has a smart watch so can text and call. This was the compromise. He has one friend in his group of 10 who also doesn’t have a phone so that helps.

We talk about it regularly and I just tell him I’m protecting his mental health and I make him aware of all the shit that smartphones and social media can bring. He does get asked why he doesn’t have a phone so we talk about responses he can give. I’d much rather he was learning to deflect and defend himself over not having a phone then having so see and hear the alternatives that phones bring.

Not intended as a braggy post but more to say anyone at that point and considering not giving their kids a phone - It is possible to do. There just needs to be more parents doing it to make it easier for everyone.

A dumb phone would still let you stay in touch. It isn't your fault this awful message was sent, but I wish more people delayed giving their children access to smart phones. It opens a world they're not ready to deal with. As 'everyone' has one, there's a collective peer pressure to give into, at the expense of pre teens now having no escape from vile bullying even in what should be a safe space, home.

So the very thing that's meant to keep them safe is doing the opposite. How did kids play out before phones?

Because in the real world, most some parent feel safer to allow their children freedom to go to the local park for example and still be able to contact them, or god forbid be able to see where they are by using 'Find My'.

This should go to the school, it sounds like a safeguarding issue to be honest. A 10 year old should not be knowing some of those things. The school as a minimum needs to look into where he is getting this language, what he is being exposed to. Its unusual to be so aware of some of this at 10.

What the HELL has a 10yr old child got a mobile phone for?!?!

DS said the boys dad is strict.

My guess is that there could be emotional violence that is normalised in that home - and a lot of covering up / masking by the Mum (possibly a victim?) which is why you 'cant fathom it'.

At the end of the day the content of the text constitutes a criminal offence (ie to encourage someone to self harm whether they act on it or not - recent online safety law) and another more vulnerable child may have responded in a catastrophic way - as many others have and is why this law was introduced. Even on this thread a PP has told how her own daughter took an overdose after receiving a similar text but was fortunate to survive after being hospitalised.

The swearing, name calling etc is unacceptable vile bullying - the 'kill yourself' content escalates this into another safeguarding category for both boys.

For gods sake, take his phone off him!! No 10 yr old needs a bloody smartphone with social media on it! WhatsApp was absolutely vile at this age - DS didn't have it (or a phone) but so many of his peers did and the bullying and nastiness was off the scale - from 'nice' kids in a 'nice' primary school. Some parents just refused to accept that their little sweethearts didn't have the maturity to live with 24/7 direct messaging devices.

I would be making a huge thing about this with school. They absolutely need to know and they need to lean very heavily on phone use. Obviously they can't actually do anything about devices used outside the school day but they can set the tone and maybe have a parents evening about it.

This is a very smart idea. Couched as ‘school should know as other children could be doing the same and they need to address it’.

@JustWondering222 could you ask the Mum to tell the school herself to give her the chance to do so? I would definitely want her to get some explanation from her DS. And it might give her DS support as well as you/yours. Hope all works out ok.

@Doubledded123 at your school, would it ever be the case that parents of the ' offending ' kid would be told and asked to respond to the school regards how they're handling it. It's not clear to me what's within the power of the school. Would behaviour like this ever contribute towards action by the school for example?

This may be down to local policy. I'm not clued up enough on this.

Go in to school and show it to the safeguarding lead. Im a DSL at secondary and we deal with stuff like this alot- sadly.

Unfortunately kids do send horrible messages. My 11 year old (year 7) received a message from a girl from his primary school who is at a different secondary school, calling him a fucked up muslim* he screen shot it. Showed it to me and we talked about it..they go to different schools so I can't really do anything.

I know the mum but don't have her number. If I see her, I will absolutely tell her about it. Again, not a family I expected it from! But just shows any kid can. I expect she was with friends who either sent it ot egged her on.

We then had to have a chat about racism, islamaphbia, bullying etc etc. Unfortunately this probably will happen again. So now he knows how to deal with it. I have 3 more kids so we had a whole family chat about it.

i’m glad you are telling the school, it’s so much harder for teachers to be effective when they aren’t informed. When my son was acting out the teachers thought he was great, but because we’d talked to them when they did see a little bit of it they didn’t think oh it’s a one off, and told us. I hope this other kid is ok, it’s a very strange message to come out of the blue. But at the same time, your son doesn’t owe him support, he’s a vulnerable child himself.
I agree text and WhatsApp are the same, but you are being naive to equate it to talking and note writing. These are not the same, don’t kid yourself. The mere act of forming the letters with a pen and ensuring physical delivery changes the intuitive awareness that the message and the other person are both real things. You are doing everything right as a parent so far, but you need to retain the awareness that online and via electronic communications is psychologically a different medium and a different danger level.

@PassingStranger you only have to look at the comments on platforms like FB and other cesspits where adults behind screens can be utterly vile.

There's a great podcast I watched regards how behaviours and social conscience is changing due to an explosion in communications that are no longer face to face.

Why cant they send each other nice messages. Why this need to be nasty?
Isn't life hard enough without all this?

I work in a primary school and I know they would want to know. You definitely need to tell the school. I wouldn’t speak to the mum again as the school can investigate and find out why he did it.
Telling another child to kill himself needs to come with consequences. This thing does happen in primary school and needs dealing with.
if I got this message as an adult I would be very upset. The school staff are qualified to help your boy talk through stuff.
good luck

No, you're not being old fashioned @unclemtty I remember at junior school back in the 70s aged about 8 when we used to be asked to bring old newspapers in to cover the tables when we did art. Sometimes these included page 3 of the Sun. It was something we used to laugh about and some of the boys would say, "ooh I want to look at page three like my dad!" The teachers turned the page over. It would be seen as inappropriate these days, yet it seems so harmless next to what children are exposed to now on the internet.

@EdithBond yes it's true. Big statements are minimised significantly on various social media platforms and yes, I've seen gamers saying this when watching YouTube together with my son. Most of us would be horrified by what so many see as normalised now. I agree at this stage I'd go to school in writing. I would not go Police level either. I'd be keen to ask the school their thoughts and what they can do their end regards spreading awareness.

It's that dreadful word ' banter '. You are so right.

Why do you think police is OTT given that this child is of the age of criminal responsibility and has committed an offence ? The police will know how to handle it better than the parents. No one is suggesting prison but this is a serious matter and the child needs to know that the consequences will be just as serious if it happens again. It’s bullying and suggesting suicide. Really surprised at the minimising of that.

We have had a similar thing recently that happened with one of my DD's friends, they told the school and the school immediately contacted the police. Threatening children and encouraging them to kill themselves is an offence, forget about how good a friend this woman is, protect your child first.

@unclemtty I've seen this on a year 7 group chat. One image was actually akin to child pornography. We have little sods using the disappearing messages function too so if you don't screenshot quick smart there's no evidence. With the Group chat function on WhatsApp you also have the added ability to exclude and isolate kids through groups that x,y,z can't be included in but has to see, or groups they were part of but admin kicks them out of. It's taking the cruelty of the playground home with you.

Some kids might be ok and have less struggles or issues here than others. So I do understand why for some, it works.

This whole thread has helped convince me I want young teen off WhatsApp asap.

Flag it up with the school. The safeguarding lead will be interested