Vile text

Are you going to mention it to the other friends' mothers? I can't think this is his first offence.

Yes maybe there are some people who both restrict internet access and also discuss, theoretically I guess, online safety. In my experience many people have a holier than thou attitude and think that just by not giving their children phones they've done all they need to.
Most children will have smartphones sooner or later and I'm not sure if a 16yo with his first phone ever will also necessarily make only great choices.

As for being glued to phones, my DS uses his whatsapp so they can organise meetups with his friends, or he uses it to take public transport to his afterscool activities. I would not feel that confident letting him navigate his particular track with just an old nokia.

Was anything said about it at school today @JustWondering222

I hope you took the message to the school today.

10-11 year olds have had phones for the past 20 years, where have you been?

I had one at that age and I'm mid 30s.

And not normal for all of us

I totally get the dilemmas here, but I have to say that haven't seen a convincing reason why adults should be giving kids as young as 10 access to smartphones, however closely monitored.

'So they can contact us': dumb phone would allow this.

'So we can keep track of them via tracking apps': this is prioritising your need as a parent for control and reassurance over their mental health and well-being (I don't think this is conscious by the way, but I do think we should be honest about it).

'Kids can send mean stuff via texts on a dumb phone too so what's the difference': another poster already offered an excellent response to this. Of course this is possible, but it's the whole online world that encourages and faciliates this kind of language and behaviour. Many other posters have alluded to the fact that this kind of talk is prevalent on you tube and tik tok - they are accessing this stuff via smart phones.

'Giving them smartphones is the best way of teaching them to stay safe': Again, I find this unconvincing. The technology is totally addictive. Why do we think that the actual designers of this technology do not allow their kids access to smart phones? There has been plenty of coverage of the fact that tech entrepreneurs do not allow their children access to the technology they themselves have invented because they are aware of how addictive and harmful it is. Tim Cook, Bill Gates and the late Steve Jobs are the most famous examples.

We monitor the chats closely etc: Surely this is because of a very realistic concern that inappropriate or unpleasant things will be said or shared via whatsapp. Why not just not expose them to it in the first place?

'It's normal': So too have a lot of things that turned out to be terribly harmful.

' This is a very normal thing to do.'

Sadly it has become normal, but that doesn't make it right, and that's why so many are getting into problems on line soon enough.

The roaming itself sounds lovely though.

They can also hide apps by deleting off their home screens then reloading them to use. Or hiding them in clear site. Easy to do on iPhones using the group boxes.
Children are far better at navigating smart phones than their parents and will pass on hacks to each other.
The incident I reported to school involved a girl whose mum was adamant that her daughter was not using Instagram and openly boasted about it. School had issued a very generic warning to parents but it generated more concerns which ultimately identified the girl.
The girl obviously held a grudge and tried to cause problems for DS much later in 6th form. Fortunately, DS who is much more savvy as a result, and the rest of his year ignored it. It’s become a bit of a joke that she continually tries to cause problems, the latest being that he tried to spike her drink. Sadly this was rather pointless since DS was famously spiked a couple of years ago which lead to an injury that has left a very obvious scar. He is the last person to want to spike someone else despite the vindictiveness of this young woman.

Our kids are 9 and 11. Both have smartphones so they can contact us and we can keep track of their whereabouts on an app. We live in a fairly large suburban village and the kids have more or less carte blanche to roam around as long as they have their phones and let us know where they're going and that they've arrived etc.

They have access to Whatsapp so they can have group chats with their friends and we monitor the chats closely. This is a very normal thing to do.

'if generally all their age group has smartphones/computers, unless you monitor them 24/7, their friends will introduce them to the wonders of internet, without any supervision or guidance from you.'

So you've just confirmed one reason why it's a bad idea for kids to have smartphones. They're all showing each other sick shite and influencing each other.

Not sure why people always think kids not having a smartphone means knowing nothing about the internet. You think parents genuinely concerned about this stuff don't address it with their kids? It's an ongoing conversation over years.

It's also not just about all the dark side of the online world. It's kids being forever glued to it or thinking about it from then on. Many kids admit spending literally all their free time on their phones. It's so so sad.

This makes sense to me. There is likely something else complex going on for such an extreme criminal action. Safeguarding of both boys (and maybe other children) is the priority to investigate sensitively and strategically here by professionals - thats why a cosy chat with the other parent is deficient.

I’ve encountered this type of thing before. The child who ‘sent’ the message (obscene) was being bullied / blackmailed by an older group of boys. Police were involved and treated the ‘sender’ as a groomed victim, quite rightly in my opinion; the school were less understanding.

How was your DS this morning @JustWondering222 going back into school after this dreadful experience?

I've been following the thread & added a few responses. I still can't fathom how any parent can condone a future friendship with a ten year old boy who writes this type of message & tells their son he should kill himself. Apparently its because he has always been so sweet, the mother is lovely, they have been friends for years & he has apologised. I would make sure I blocked him on my childs phone & if it affected the group friendship sobeit. They will be split up in high school anyway which I'd be happy about. The child who sent this extremely disturbing & dangerous message needs professional help as do his family as there is obviously something wrong with the dynamic even if they dont realise it.

My children will have to face many difficulties in the online world as they reach 15/16/17 and beyond. If I can start them with well monitored, limited use of tech now, and we can ensure open communication and learning, gradually increasing access to different things as they get older I think that's wise.

I'm with you. I have some friends who have said absolute no to smartphones and internet use for their pre-teens and young teens. Personally I think they are fighting a lost battle - yes you can choose not to give your child a phone, but if generally all their age group has smartphones/computers, unless you monitor them 24/7, their friends will introduce them to the wonders of internet, without any supervision or guidance from you.

I think this about sums it up. There’s so much minimising here of what is a very serious matter. Some posters are even trying to excuse it by suggesting someone else sent it - even after OP has confirmed that it was the boy himself.

This boy is ten. The age of criminal responsibility. And he’s committed a serious criminal offence. Now would be the time to get the appropriate authorities involved to explain that to him and hopefully nip it in the bud - and also to make sure nothing else is going on that the parents are not aware of.

No-one is suggesting criminal punishment, but this boy bullied OP’s son and suggested suicide. He needs a warning - a fright to teach him that if he’s old enough to be using language and threats like this, then he’s old enough to face the consequences. Better that than to risk him carrying on and those consequences becoming much more serious as he gets older, with he added risk that he will cause someone to self harm.

Tell the school, block this child from your sons phone and do not engage with the family again. You all seem to be kind of minimising it and think an apology means it's fine. It's not fine, this boy needs to know the consequences of his actions and losing his best friend is just one of them.

Yes, in a way you/your thread is being a scapegoat for the wider issue OP, as it's a hot one. Just focus on the issue in hand and ignore the rest for now.

My DC are older now, but IME it's been the norm for children to have phones from year 6 onwards, when they start going out more independently. I remember trying to be strict about Internet use and managed to hold out longer than most on allowing them access to the social side. But I did give in sooner than I wanted because the pressure was there, with the view to monitor closely - I'll admit I don't do this as much as I'd like. I'm sure I'm not the only one.

IMO the DfE needs to step in and advise schools to ban smart phones (bricks only) until better safety measures are more broadly put in place for under 16s.