Vile text

I would strongly urge people with under 14s to consider “dumb phones” rather than smart phones for their kids.

Absolutely this.
I work with preteens and teens and the number of serious safety issues are caused by children having smart phones is real. Many parents love to get the kids the latest IPhone which has capacity and features kids don't need.
At a basic level we have trouble with phones getting broken and stolen. Problems escalate with issues around cyber bullying which include kids being ambushed and attacked and it is filmed and uploaded on to YouTube.Sending nudes is shockingly common with 13 to 14 year olds and where I work with have a team to support young people that have been coercive into sending pictures and also dealing with the perpetrators, who are usually, but not always, kids themselves.
Brick phones all the way imo.

The other thing I'm thinking did the boy actually send this? This is a scenario that has played out a few times. We have thought someone has sent an obscene message like this and when we've unpicked it it turns out to have been some who was jealous of the friendship and spied their opptunity to use the phone.
Parents really need to give their kids phone and Internet safety and keep them off sites such as WhatsApp and Snapchat. Saying ' oh they are a good kid and don't do anything like that' is not good enough parenting.

For all the remarks about OP letting her son have WhatsApp, at the end of the day he came to her when he had a nasty message. Thats a brilliant thing, and indicative of trust both ways.

Did you hear back from the other mum OP?

Not every school takes the same approach but my DC private prep school were very clear in a letter home to parents that they DID care what took place outside of school time between pupils (as it has the obvious knock on effect at school).

Similar incident in year 6 : parent shared disturbing messages to her son with school, it prompted a cascade of events including online safety assembly for students, more comms home to parents about checking kids phones and supervising access, and quite a bit of safeguarding / disciplinary intervention for the boy sending offensive messages.

Does the other boy have older siblings? I wonder if they got his phone and did this as a very shit joke?

Your DS has behaved very maturely in showing you. Agree with PP he can just say you read his messages regularly. I would see what the other parent says but would be inclined to contact school.

With the exception of certain specific circumastances on apple iPhones, you can’t edit an sms once you’ve sent it. The recipient can delete it. But not the sender. It’s not technically possible.

But absolutely not having a go at the OP. As I said upthread, 90% of parents are doing exactly what she’s done. And absolutely bloody tonnes of us - and schools- are having these issues. There clearly are problems with kids having access to this tech, and it’s something we need to talk about.

I suspect I’m screaming into the wind on this one though!

The problem isn’t kids giving phone numbers to each IMO. It’s giving other people numbers of their friends. “Jake do you have Alistair’s number?” “yeah I’ll send it to you”. Which is why I personally prefer WhatsApp as her account is on my own device and if a text pings up from an unknown number I check who it is

did you not read OP's post, despite directly quoting it?

As she said, her DS could have been exposed to the exact same message written on a paper note (as mean girls did when I was in primary school). Focussing on 'what the creators' intended is pedantic (and likely inaccurate, the original creators have since been taken over by Meta at which point the age in the UK was lowered) - there is no minimal age to be allowed to use a phone, so the boy could have sent the exact same message via text, not whatsapp without any 'restrictions.'

Ultimately the medium of the message is not the issue, the content is.

You've made your point, OP has acknowledged other people make different decisions about phones but she's made hers after careful consideration.

There is literally nothing to indicate that her DS does not also play with lego and do other age appropriate activities, just because he also (like many ten year olds, despite you disagreeing with it) also has access to a phone.

Well done to your son

You have done e the right thing telling the mum

I would tell the school even if you don't want anything done just to make sure the school are aware and a general assembly for all students about bullying and sending messages

I agree about not allowing young children to give their phone numbers to their friends, but do think mobile phones can have an important place in their safety and keeping tabs on them.

My dgs (10) has a phone, but there is a lock on it (not sure how dd was able to do this), so that it can only be used to call those she has put in the contacts list. He also can’t access his phone number, so there is zero chance he can phone any of his friends, or that they can phone him.

That’s can also be done on SMS services.

One thing I do ban on WhatsApp or messages is groups. They can get out of hand and turn very toxic. Unless it’s for example a group of 3 good friends.

Definitely let school know. It's a safeguarding issue. They may already have this child on their radar, and this episode helps to build the picture of what's going on in his home life. Because something is clearly going on. 10 year olds don't use that type of sexual language without learning it from somewhere/someone.

Tread very carefully with the mother of this boy too. You don't know what her home life is like either. She could be in an abusive relationship. Her child could be using language he constantly hears at home.

It's a sad situation all round but you sound like a great mum who has a great relationship with your children.

I would 💯 be speaking to the school. The language and text is hugely concerning at such a young age, I would also be concerned about how he is acting with peers at school...if teaching staff are aware they can monitor.

Not really on topic but just FYI to everyone re WhatsApp, it has a function I’ve only just learned about via my 12 year old. They can create “channels” where they post photos & videos for friends to see - a bit like a private Tiktok or Insta account.

I’m really not a fan of this as it is frankly all about showing off and popularity contests like a lot of social media - it’s a long way removed from just messaging and keeping in contact. DD has a couple of friends whose channels are all videos of them using expensive skincare 🙄🙄🙄

And TBH I don’t think it’s healthy to shield them always from adverse events. Adverse events are part of life, they have to deal with them at some point.

Well, I don't know about you but I'm 50. I've been married, divorced, fallen out with friends etc and I've never had to deal with anything like this!

OP, I'm a primary teacher and I'd want to know about this.

I'd email the school, attach the screenshot and send it to the HT, DHT DSL (our lead DSL is neither of those) and the class teacher. That way, no one can 'miss' the email or forget to deal with it or not pass it on. And it ensures everyone knows exactly what has been said.

Telling someone to kill themselves is a criminal offence and 10 is the age of criminal responsibility. Children can be vicious without realising the potential consequences.

I recently discovered I can access my child's WhatsApp account through my laptop. He isn't always with me. However it's all so stressful to do this.

I'd rather the phones all exploded but my child is incredibly isolated so it's a thing we weigh up.

It's not helpful to criticise parents allowing a phone and WhatsApp in year 6. Great for parents who don't but we are living in a different world now. When every single bloody kid has one in Yr 7, it's difficult for the kids to feel included.

We trialled TTok. I'd never used it so installed myself to see and also see what child did. It was removed in a week. It's a cesspit of cruelty and narcissism. Yet because everyone else has it it's a daily request and explanation needed. I hate all of it.

Definitely tell the school!

WhatsApp isn’t social media.its messaging. And if it didn’t happen over WhatsApp it would have happened to her face or some other platform.

You can disagree with my parenting, that’s fine, I disagree with aspects yours and don’t judge you either. And I don’t feel judged so please don’t worry! My children have real world freedom too, the two aren’t mutually exclusive. But I would never ever protect them from all unpleasantness - it doesn’t do children any favours to never have them upset over something. Life throws us shit sometimes and I’d hate for them to only be dealing with it for the first time at the age of 14.

You can delete and edit texts on most phones as well though - it's not a feature that's unique to WhatsApp.

I personally wouldn't let a 10 year old use it but I don't think the criticism aimed at OP for allowing it is entirely fair.

Honestly I think the “rules are rules!” Crowd distinctly lack common sense sometimes. It’s not WhatsApp that’s the problem it’s a child who has learnt language like this somewhere (to me that sound like a child who has TikTok) using one of many platforms to send a message to someone who’s meant to be his friend.

This is accurate technically, but is a gross misunderstanding of how WhatsApp is being used socially, particularly by children and young people.

Yea, an SMS does the same thing in principle- although actually on WhatsApp, features like disappearing messages and the option to delete content by the sender, adds a layer of “get out of jail” for perpetrators- but for whatever reason, WhatsApp occupies a different mental and social space for teens.

What have they said your child has done to warrant this vile text?

The child would have otherwise sent it via text, even to a Nokia burner phone. WhatsApp is just a messaging service. What did you think it was?

I would screen shot it and provide it to the school when you report the issue. And you do need to report the issue. Do NOT promise the mum of the boy that you won't, because she may ask you not to and say it's been addressed.

This was my first thought too, it may not actually have been sent by the other boy?

Is there a chance that the ‘friends’ phone was taken by an older dc or someone else, who has used it to send the disgusting messages

This is my thought. Does the boy have older siblings? No excuse of course but will highlight to you and the parents that there could be a very troubling influence, which will get worse in secondary school.

I've heard of teens taking phones and then sending abusive messages as a "joke". Obviously it isn't funny at all and they must be fairly disturbed to do so.

Respectfully- I completely disagree. And this isn’t a judgement on your choices- the choices you’re making are the choices 90% of other parents are making, and that’s clearly what you think is right for your family.

In my family, I believe that my child doesn’t needs to experience social media bullying to gain strength and perspective. It’s wild to me that we give children freedom to explore the entire world online, but track their physical whereabouts in their home communities.

I’m not saying that there are easy answers to this, but my feeling is that something has gone very very wrong with society, and the choice I’m making, is that I want to withhold smartphones and social media from my child until 14, and give them as much freedom in the real world as possible. That also comes with risk, of course, but it’s the risk I prefer to take.