Very rude teen son

What consequences have you given for his rudeness? How do you reply to him?

E.g "Ds it's offensive to comment on appearances please stop it or there will be x yz consequence" and then every time after "I've told you that's offensive so now you will have to x y z" lose your phone, lose screen time, not be allowed to go our etc. Or When you say things like that ds, what effect are you hoping for? It doesn't sound like a compliment to me, more like being mean? Can you explain why you want to be mean to me? I don't think I deserve it and I didn't raise you to be mean. How would you feel if... etc.

If he is asd that's still no excuse.

Oh wow, that sounds horrible for you!

I have a 13yo ds, he's not in his most polite phase tbh, I think at this age we can expect some level of rudeness/grumpiness/backchat/chip on shoulder/know it all...

My ds has ADHD and autism diagnosis, his emotional regulation is shit at the moment and I try to be understanding and pick my battles, but name calling and personal insults would not be acceptable at all and I'd be having a serious talk, then pulling him up on it every time, and probably withdrawing whatever kind of helpful thing I was doing at that moment (e.g. walk back out with breakfast).

Where is he learning this from? Where is he learning it's ok to insult you?

Teens push barriers, I have a DD15 and I'll pick my battles but occasionally you do need to roar at them to shock them into understanding where they go over the limit.

In similar circumstances I got very transactional.

I'd say to mine "I don't make breakfast for gives lifts to people who insult me".

Then next time they wanted something I'd say it again.

They got the message pretty quickly.

What consequences does he receive for his vile behaviour choices?

You need firm consequences for his behaviour.

At 12 there's still time to rein this in, another year or two you'll have lost all control if you don't slam down hard on this immediately. That breakfast should have been straight in the bin and him told in no uncertain terms if he speaks to you like that again what the consequences will be. And stick firm to them.

Does your DH also insult you?
I would have walked straight out of his room and thrown his breakfast in the bin!

He doesn’t talk to his Dad like this. Can his Dad be the one to firmly tell him what he’s doing is unacceptable and he stops now?

What consequences have you put in for this behaviour?

I hope you walked straight back out with his breakfast. How old is he?