Page 7 | Very rude teen son

ChristmasHound · 2024-12-01T09:48:10+00:00

Seeking some advice please. My (almost) teen son has become extremely rude and disrespectful towards me/his sibling and occasionally his Dad but mostly towards me. He’s begun to insult my appearance calling me “Megamind”, says how big my nose is, walks up to me measuring my forehead and has begun to say “you’re a big girl” and insults my teeth. (I’m only a size 10 and petite) We look extremely similar, same nose, forehead, teeth etc so I tell him he’s just insulting himself as we look the same. He also constantly uses how I have ADHD as an insult “ok ADHD” (He is currently being assessed himself for ASD and ADHD) He’s in a class with many friends who are autistic or have ADHD. It’s a huge problem though and very waring. I just took his breakfast up to his room as a Sunday treat and first thing he said was “oh you’re looking like a Megamind today!” 🙄

Original poster

ChristmasHound · 01/12/2024 10:16

yipyipyop · 01/12/2024 10:13

Let's not blame his abusive comments on a diagnosed condition. I'm sure he can stop it. Stop giving lifts and making his breakfast if the abuse continues and tell him so. He's old enough to make himself some toast. This seems to be learned behaviour from his dad

He does make breakfast for himself but I do like him to have a treat on a Sunday and relax in his room/in bed. I don’t mind but obviously not when he insults me as soon as he opens his door.

OP posts:

EvilsElsasPetSnowman · 01/12/2024 10:15

OP there is no one as insensitive, unkind and degrading as a preteen child. They think they’re being funny but don’t quite have the maturity to realise how hurtful their words are.

I wouldn’t throw the insult back at him. Model kind behaviour - as the mum of a preteen myself it’s SO hard when they’re being cheeky but keep the upper hand and don’t stoop.

You need clear boundaries and warnings and punishments. “If you continue to insult my appearance you will have your phone removed for a week”. And follow through on it.

But remember preteens are a total normal messy minefield. This isn’t who he is it’s just what he’s doing right now

StMarie4me · 01/12/2024 10:14

Has he been watching Andrew Tate content online at all?

ATastingMenuButItsAllCrisps · 01/12/2024 10:14

@BaklavaRocks no one would listen to all that.

Edited- cross posted with OP

Original poster

ChristmasHound · 01/12/2024 10:14

Anotherworrier · 01/12/2024 10:03

You’re consistently ignoring questions about what consequences you have put in place for this behaviour

The issue and solution lies within this, you need to parent him.

Show quote history

Consequences-

When DH is out of the house I immediately turn off his Wi-Fi. It worked like a treat! He was amazed and could not work out how I did it. I made him do chores and remain downstairs until I decided it was time.

When DH is home this is not an option unfortunately. He’s a gamer and turning off the Wi-Fi would mean he couldn’t play his video games. Hes point blank refused to let me turn it off.

Reasoning - I have tried reasoning with DS. That’s hurtful, that hurts my feelings. I normally get a sarcastic response.

I try shutting him down- that is not acceptable. We do not insult people in this house. He’s also said in the past - well, Daddy calls you names, why can’t I? Why don’t you take Daddy’s phone away when he insults you/is rude?

OP posts:

yipyipyop · 01/12/2024 10:13

Let's not blame his abusive comments on a diagnosed condition. I'm sure he can stop it. Stop giving lifts and making his breakfast if the abuse continues and tell him so. He's old enough to make himself some toast. This seems to be learned behaviour from his dad

BaklavaRocks · 01/12/2024 10:11

ChristmasHound · 01/12/2024 09:58

I still gave him the breakfast as I don’t agree in taking food away but it’s a massive issue.

I think I'd have said 'oh, well I'd made you breakfast but I feel a bit hurt by how you've treated me, so I think until you can be kinder I won't make breakfast for you anymore. I'm going to take this breakfast back to the kitchen. There's plenty of cereal in the cupboard and if you r hungry you r welcome to make breakfast for yourself. When you start treating me a little nicer, being a little kinder, then I will start making your breakfast for you again'.....

Dramatic · 01/12/2024 10:08

ChristmasHound · 01/12/2024 10:06

Soon to be leaving. Getting a plan together. His Dad is vile when driving and calls women fat messes/look at that disgusting thing/look at her, off to McDonald’s to stuff her face I bet! DS finds it hilarious. Insults me, has referred to me as Cletus (the slack jawed yokel) from The Simpsons (DH has)

Show quote history

Ok there we go, get out as soon as possible and just hope it isn't too late for your DS not to turn in to him. It's going to take a hell of a lot of work though if these are the messages he's been sent for the first 12 years of his life

Dramatic · 01/12/2024 10:07

ChristmasHound · 01/12/2024 09:58

I still gave him the breakfast as I don’t agree in taking food away but it’s a massive issue.

So all you've taught him there is he can insult and abuse someone and they'll still serve him whatever he wants on a platter. At the very least you should have taken it back downstairs so he would have to fetch it himself.

Op you absolutely need to nip this in the bud, this is how abusive men are made, their mothers did their bidding even when they were abusing her so they think they are entitled to do that.

Wolfiefan · 01/12/2024 10:07

He’s learnt it from his dad. So make him an ex if he isn’t already.
Consequences. Every single time. You didn’t need to refuse to feed him. You could have taken the food downstairs. He could have it when he came down and apologised. Time to step up and parent him.

Original poster

ChristmasHound · 01/12/2024 10:06

Anotherworrier · 01/12/2024 10:01

No. Actually, it’s very relevant to this thread. Are you still with his Dad?

Show quote history

Soon to be leaving. Getting a plan together. His Dad is vile when driving and calls women fat messes/look at that disgusting thing/look at her, off to McDonald’s to stuff her face I bet! DS finds it hilarious. Insults me, has referred to me as Cletus (the slack jawed yokel) from The Simpsons (DH has)

OP posts:

WaltzingWaters · 01/12/2024 10:05

So you rewarded his behaviour by still giving him a special breakfast in bed? Of course you shouldn’t withhold food altogether, but you could at least make him come to the kitchen for his breakfast after he’s insulted your kind gesture.

But his dad’s behaviour isn’t a whole other thread. It’s entirely relevant. He’s copying the behaviour he sees, and the behaviour his dad presumably gets away with.

Cherrysoup · 01/12/2024 10:04

ChristmasHound · 01/12/2024 10:02

He does blindly repeat stuff. Repeats the same questions over and over and over. It’s like he’s stuck in the habit of insulting people. Like it just falls out of his mouth.

Show quote history

So pull him up on it, every damn time.

Cherrysoup · 01/12/2024 10:04

You still gave him breakfast which you’d taken up as a treat? wtf? Why can’t he get his own? Who takes breakfast up to a 12 year old? Is he generally spoilt? He’d be getting serious consequences and a big sit down chat from me. You need to stop him very seriously.

Anotherworrier · 01/12/2024 10:03

ChristmasHound · 01/12/2024 10:02

He does blindly repeat stuff. Repeats the same questions over and over and over. It’s like he’s stuck in the habit of insulting people. Like it just falls out of his mouth.

Show quote history

You’re consistently ignoring questions about what consequences you have put in place for this behaviour

The issue and solution lies within this, you need to parent him.

Original poster

ChristmasHound · 01/12/2024 10:02

raysan · 01/12/2024 09:59

I don't understand 12 yr olds but could it be that he's blindly repeating stuff he's heard, and doesnt understand it hurts. Esp with the AuDHD, I'd handle it a bit differently. Making it clear that its not ok to name-call, and even if just pointing out a fact about someones appearance, its often best not to mention? Then reminding (rather than punishing) and try not to rise to the bait? You could try 'I do have a big nose but I don't like when you say that'

He does blindly repeat stuff. Repeats the same questions over and over and over. It’s like he’s stuck in the habit of insulting people. Like it just falls out of his mouth.

OP posts:

BunsenBurnerBaby · 01/12/2024 10:01

That isn’t a whole other thread. Children learn from what they see: how do you respond to his dad?

Anotherworrier · 01/12/2024 10:01

ChristmasHound · 01/12/2024 10:00

He’s learned it from his Dad but that’s a whole other thread.

Show quote history

No. Actually, it’s very relevant to this thread. Are you still with his Dad?

Onehappymam · 01/12/2024 10:01

Are you still with his Dad?

Sidebeforeself · 01/12/2024 10:01

“I don’t agree in taking food away’..he wont starve!

Original poster

ChristmasHound · 01/12/2024 10:00

jeaux90 · 01/12/2024 09:54

Where is he learning this from? Where is he learning it's ok to insult you?

Teens push barriers, I have a DD15 and I'll pick my battles but occasionally you do need to roar at them to shock them into understanding where they go over the limit.

He’s learned it from his Dad but that’s a whole other thread.

OP posts:

Anotherworrier · 01/12/2024 10:00

ChristmasHound · 01/12/2024 09:58

I still gave him the breakfast as I don’t agree in taking food away but it’s a massive issue.

Ok. But what were the consequences then?

raysan · 01/12/2024 09:59

I don't understand 12 yr olds but could it be that he's blindly repeating stuff he's heard, and doesnt understand it hurts. Esp with the AuDHD, I'd handle it a bit differently. Making it clear that its not ok to name-call, and even if just pointing out a fact about someones appearance, its often best not to mention? Then reminding (rather than punishing) and try not to rise to the bait? You could try 'I do have a big nose but I don't like when you say that'

Original poster

ChristmasHound · 01/12/2024 09:58

I still gave him the breakfast as I don’t agree in taking food away but it’s a massive issue.

OP posts:

Dramatic · 01/12/2024 09:55

Please tell me you didn't still give him the breakfast?!