Very rude teen son

I learnt from SuperNanny how easy it is to criticise other people's parenting.

I don't know your child or your family but I have a cheeky neuro-typical 14yo DS.

My responses are:

• Shout crossly and sternly tell him that kind of talk is unacceptable - wait for apology- remind not to do it again.
• Immediate physical consequences - not give things, refuse to do jobs for him, refuse to help, etc etc- whilst explaining that I will not be nice to someone who is not nice to me
• Send him to his room - you may not be with your family when you speak to me like that

As to DH insults you so why can't I- explain DH is married to you, not your son and your relationship is different

Hope this helps

Put him in his place let him know whos boss.
Or evey insult he gives send 3 right back to him.

This.

I worry for you when your son gets physically larger than you.

Anotherworrier i do hope not or just about ready to get rid.

Please don’t beg for better treatment.

You are already next to nothing in his eyes, don’t belittle yourself further.

He’s learned this behaviour from his father, and possibly also shares some of his father’s vile nature so you’ve got an uphill battle to try to reach him.

You can’t change his genetic makeup but you can change the environment in which he lives. I agree with pp. When you are living without dad your son will begin to grasp that you will not tolerate this behaviour. Then deal firmly and transactionally with him

• you insult me = zero internet etc.

Never beg.

It is this foul language and disrespect between parents and directed towards your son, which has rubbed off on your son unfortunately OP.

Your partner thinks he can do no wrong because you still give him breakfast in bedroom when he's been rude to you...

Your husband needs to start being less rude and mean to your son, he needs to stop his use of foul language

Does you husband put you down a lot? Perhaps your son has learnt this from his dad. (Or - dad is rude to me, then I'm rude to mum..)

You are serving breakfast in bed to a little disrespectful misogynistic brat? What the actual fuck?

He is raised to be the image of his father. Without severe intervention and counseling, it's probably too late.

I’m sorry but your son’s behaviour really is no surprise. He’s in an awful environment with no consequences.

I know you’re having a tough time at the moment and I empathise but the problem here seems to be the parenting and the environment that he’s in. I’m actually starting to feel a little sorry for your son.

That’s not to say he doesn’t need consequences, he does. He needs a suitable home environment with boundaries and consequences, it seems you all have some blame here.

He should have had the breakfast on his head.

He doesn't sound particularly nice. I know he's 12 but adults who aren't particularly nice tend not to have been nice when they were 12.

That's ok. There are good and bad people in the world/

People who are not nice will not behave well unless they are frightened into doing so or there is something in it for them.

However, in your case you tried to get him to behave nicely by doing something for him-bringing him breakfast in bed-and that approach hasn't worked.

Try the other way. Toughen up. Do nothing nice for him, call him a few names yourself-that might work.

If it doesn't then you have tried both ways-being nice and not so nice and if neither works then he is just an unpleasant individual and will always be so at his core.

But whatever you do, don't make yourself a rub rag for him now because you will find that he will have no respect, no fear and as he gets bigger, that attitude of his could have serious consequences for you.

“DS. I do not want you to speak to me the way you speak to me. I have no doubt you think it’s banter, but it isn’t. I also know if xxx in your class did that to you you’d be the first to complain you’re being bullied. And you’d be correct. Modify the way you speak to me or don’t speak to me at all.”

And act each and every time he does it. Phone, games console, lifts, whatever his “currency”.

I see his point - his dad gets to talk to you like that so why can't he. By still being with his father you are showing him that you aren't worth better treatment. Get rid of your husband ASAP and make sure your son knows it is because he treats you like shit. Hopefully it's not too late for your son to realise you won't be treated like this and find respect for you.

Tell him you will not be spoken to like that and go out for the day. Leave him and his vile father to enjoy their toxic little jokes together. They don't get to treat you like that.

I'd turn the internet off, hell soon start behaving himself

He won’t starve if you walk away with his breakfast. I presume he can get out of bed and get himself something to eat?

I’d leave temporarily, until the husband is gone. Couldn’t put up with that.

I don't think it's a case of reasoning with him, but setting boundaries kindly and firmly, if that makes sense? You can calmly say "I won't be spoken to like that" (or something along those lines) every time, and just walk away. And like others have said, any consequences can be explained in advance, very matter of fact and then follow through calmly. No need to get drawn into his backchat or any debate.

That, I know, is easier said that done!

Sooo hard for you if his dad behaves like that though, I'm sorry you're going through that and hope you manage to get out.

I wouldn't reason or explain to a twelve year old. They know that what they're doing is rude and unacceptable. Honestly it demeans us when we're pleading with them to think of our feelings. You set your own boundaries as to how you EXPECT to be treated.

You need an immediate and clear consequence. And he needs a shock at what you will remove.

He should not have been given his breakfast and at 12 he should be able to go and get his own breakfast anyway. So you're not removing food from him.

And the sooner your dead weight of a bully boy husband goes the better. Start sticking up for yourself with both of them.

You deserve better in your home that this level of verbal abuse.

So why are you staying with an abusive husband?

Does his dad stick up for him if you try to have consequences?

Oh no, he sounds awful. No class, no taste, no filter, no empathy, no maturity.

This is not a brag...but honestly, I've been with my dh for almost 30 years and I've never known him to insult a woman's appearance like that.

You are right, it is NOT good for your kids to be raised around this. It's so nasty.

It's not normal at all, I've had three pre teens and none of them have ever insulted me like that. Grumpiness is perfectly normal, answering back to a certain degree is normal.

Hello. I’ m sorry, this all sounds really hard. Your DH has treated you appallingly and it must be very painful for you to have your son also treating you disrespectfully. I’m glad to hear you are planning on leaving your DH as it sounds like this likely comes from him, your son is picking up on his behaviour and is imitating it. You really need to get out sooner rather than later. There does need to be consequences for bad behaviour but this can be hard if your DH does not support you. Once you’ve left it’ll hopefully be easier. Also perhaps other family members can step in and tell him his behaviour is not ok? Is there anyone in particular he likes/respects? Maybe that’s not realistic or possible but just a thought. You deserve better. Best wishes.

try shutting him down- that is not acceptable. We do not insult people in this house. He’s also said in the past - well, Daddy calls you names, why can’t I? Why don’t you take Daddy’s phone away when he insults you/is rude?

because adult relationships are complicated and as you’re only 12 I don’t need to explain myself to you. I can’t turn the WiFi right now but I can remove all of your devices, you can have them back in a week or so once you’ve proven you can speak to me respectfully.