Very rude teen son

He does make breakfast for himself but I do like him to have a treat on a Sunday and relax in his room/in bed.

Misbehaving children don't get treats.

This. Would not put up with this. Especially from a 12 year old. Punish. Every time. Little shit

SuperfluousHen

https://archive.org/details/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/page/n517/mode/2up

Well, then.

You will have to put up with it or make some serious changes in your entire household by getting rid of his abusive example of a parent.

You have no chance of sorting this if his dad treats you the same way and you let him.

No ‘bonding’ trips to build a relationship as another poster suggested. Absolutely nothing until he finds some respect for you

I disagree with this. I think very firm boundaries- so I would have walked out with the breakfast and said 'don't speak to me like that' and expected an apology before I then gave a lift, the wifi back on or whatever. Just calm though.

Love bombing does work with teenagers though- they want you to accept them warts and all. Don't position him as 'bad'; see that he is like this due to bad role modelling, deal with it incredibly firmly, but then give him an option to be that better person. He's 12, he has good qualities, listen about his games, take him out to do stuff, get him into climbing or sports that have other good male role models and community groups. This is a turning point, but don't reject him emotionally when, to be honest, you (in your family) kind of made him this way.

I'm glad you have plans to go OP.

I think everyone calling the 12 year old a 'brat' is unfair.

This young man has had this behaviour modelled from day 1 by dad, and put up with by mum. It's not his fault this is his male role model.

The absolutely best thing you can do for this young man is to move out, establish a calm home with boundaries, hope he doesn't see his dad too much (but you cannot control that), get some solid consequences in place (so, lifts, internet, money are only given to teenager in my house who are reasonably pleasant and don't make my life a misery, a one-off teenage tantrum with an apology would be ok). I don't give a lift on the day or give money to teenagers who are rude or aggressive to me, full stop (as I say, if they burst into tears, or have difficulty regulating emotion, I do give a bit of leeway and suggest they go to their rooms, or accept an apology). Perhaps therapy might help.

There's a danger coming very fast here that what is just verbal abuse now might spin out into genuine contempt for and dislike of women, and make him think it's ok to treat a partner like this. Please act as soon as you can, as he sounds like he has some lovely qualities in there and in a different environment you will be able to pull those out.

Also, act before he is huge, and when you get into the new home, make sure it is clear you are in charge, not in a dominating way, just very calm and assertive- it is hard for single mums to deal with rude big adult sons, or indeed rude big adult daughters, I think you have to make sure they know in a very subtle but firm way that you pay for the home, your rules are in the home and they do not run things, otherwise it can spin out of your control. I love living with my teens by the way, and we have got that balance, but when there's one mum and difficult big stroppy teens it can lead to power issues that don't help them become their best selves either.

I wish you so much luck with this OP, as I think you know what he and you need.

Well, Megamind would have let him know that he isn’t perfect himself and put his breakfast in the bin. How fucking DARE he speak to you like that!

I’ve no advise other than to find your anger. He absolutely cannot grow up as vile as his dad. Good luck with the separation. There’s still time to turn your son around and I think being extremely stern (almost to the point of unreasonable) is the answer. No seconds chances for vileness. No ‘bonding’ trips to build a relationship as another poster suggested. Absolutely nothing until he finds some respect for you.

“The apple doesn’t fall far from the tree”
There are very real reasons for these sayings, but there is still time to try to steer this 12 yo in the right direction. 🙏🏻

Good for you in that case op. 👏👏👏

You are already quite far along in the process and hopefully your ds’s behaviour will improve when he sees you have made a stand and begins to understand why, after an initial period of disruption.

Please don't encourage the OP to make more excuses for the vile behaviour of this unpleasant individual.

It sounds as if she is already doing so and is reaping quite enough shit without helping her to eat more.

It’s great that you have a plan.
hope it’s not too long now for you xx

Have you discussed with your H how childcare is being sorted.Will it be 50 50 or weekends?From experience I think your soon to be ex will not want much contact with your son.He wants to do his own thing ie gaming he calls the boy evil.When you are gone you are taking away the exes power over you so he has nothing to insult.I wonder if your soon to be ex is ND as well.Whilst you wait do not accept any insults from either of them you were stern with your son show both of them this again.I would show them real anger and walk away.I wish you strength.

Do you have the name of the book, please?

Could he also be scared/ confused about his own diagnosis and is hitting out at you becauce you have the same diagnosis ?

When you are ready to leave (hopefully asap), I suppose at his age and stage, you can explain to him that he can only come with you if he treats you like a decent human being. Think you should get him into some kind of therapy to unpick why behaving like his dad isn’t acceptable in life.

Stop it. This woman wants to make a loving connection with her son. A good parent persists in doing so.
Loving her son is not being a wet lettuce fgs. His father's influence is awful and beyond his control...it is RIGHT that mum should take the lead when it comes to kindness.

Don't give her a telling off.

@ChristmasHound you said ‘it just falls put of his mouth’ but it doesn’t really - he only occasionally insults his Dad but does it all the time with you because he knows he can get away with it. One, he is copying his Dad and two, you enable it by doing things that signal it is ok - e.g. letting him have the breakfast anyway. So, you need to toughen up with him and his Dad (I’d not be with the Dad) and you need to keep strong with your son.

Your dh is a stinking hypocrite and you can't expect decent behaviour from your son unless you leave him or he radically changes. He's the boy's male role model ffs. I have experienced similar - children's father is an antivaxxer and unsurprisingly school nurse has contacted me on 2 occasions to say my son has refused his boosters. It's staggering how teenage boys take their lead from men and seem to totally disregard the input or influence of women. Your husband is outrightly abusive about female strangers. If he was abusing people because of their race, would you tolerate it?

You wouldn’t be taking away food though. Either leave it downstairs to get himself and eat it and let him get his own breakfast. He is 12 and capable of making his own food, not a toddler.

By walking back out with the food you are taking away the treat which he doesn’t get because he was rude.

Yep, @ChristmasHound exactly what @user50and said - about turn and he can get his own breakfast. Nip that right in the bud.

Your husband is vile but you sound like a wet lettuce. You need to be much more stern! Can’t believe you are making and taking breakfasts up to the room of a spoilt brat who literally insults you and calls you names. Rewarding him for awful behaviour!

You should have stated that Megamind is taking the breakfast right back to the dining room where he can come down and eat it.
He is insulting you. You should try immediate ramification for the insult.
"Instead of insulting me, can you think of one nice thing to say about me, please?" Ask him to sit down and write the compliment out in a note book before bringing it to show you.

Ground him and ban him from his devices until he has written a thoughful counter to his insult.
Force him to put nicer things into his mind.

That’s a really difficult situation op. I’m sorry. You must feel worn down, undermined and embattled on all sides, all of which must be incredibly draining.

It’s very difficult to gather up the energy to leave in these circumstances. But if your parents are supportive, could you possibly bring your plans forward and go there?