Very rude teen son

I’ve only just seen this post quoted.

Your son IS being a ‘horrible child’ and a ‘vile little boy’. I think the very least he’d get in response from me would be one of those followed by ‘shut up’. It’s a distasteful irony that his dad is trying to tell him off when he’s given him all his tools but he’s not actually wrong in what he’s saying.

If your response to your sons vile streak towards you is breakfast in bed and defending him then I think you may be more of an influence on this then you’re aware.

Kick him out again. Do it.

Your not-so-DH is refusing to recognise his role in DS's behaviour and is also labelling the child, not the behaviour. Both very unhelpful.

DS is not evil, as you know. You may need to deal with his behaviour for a good few months before you see improvement, though, because of his dad's influence, and even then, as a PP has said, every time he comes back from his dad's it might get worse briefly.

Stay strong, be consistent. Children who have one reliable, good parent tend to do ok in the long run. But consistency is key.

I tell you something else which won’t win me any points on MN; one of them, in the same tone as their father, called me a “lazy whore.” He was 12. I slapped him as hard as I could, and then slapped his arm as he turned away. His brothers were watching. And then I ranted as loud as I could about how I’ll wipe the features off their fucking faces if there was ever ever a repeat of anything like that. And there hasn’t been. Their father wasn’t violent towards me and the only violence in the house was that day, me to son, mid divorce.

I think it shocked all three of them. Proportionate means of achieving a legitimate aim. I felt sick but I’d do it again if I had to. But I haven’t.

Also op you could have turned around and said, if you want your breakfast, it’ll be downstairs.
And from then on, stop taking breakfasts up to his bedroom.

How long is it going to take you to get away?

And does your husband know it's going to happen?

How obstructive will he be over the children?

Cold. Shark. Address it, without passion, every time. No services unless he behaves properly.

My three sons were this age when I divorced their father.

I was very clear to them (rightly or wrongly) that one of the biggest reasons we were splitting up was because I didn’t want them to grow up thinking that it was ok for their Dad to talk to me the way he did. They had started to copy him.

Id watch one in particular, insult me and then look to his dad for approval, who would laugh.

I also was and still am VERY hard on disrespect. I’m not talking wet towels on the bathroom floor, I mean nasty gob-shittery which has resulted in various screen bans, and the router getting unplugged and locked in the garage etc.

They are turning into well mannered young men, but it’s hard, and we have had some spectacular rows, which I won. Obviously.

But this isn’t a teen issue really, it’s a husband issue and you need to get rid of him as fast as is humanly possible.

Sorry, more fool you

You didn't need to withhold food, but he shouldn't have had it served to him in his bedroom

If he wanted it he could get up and go downstairs

Thank you xx

He has been taught that this is how you treat women so he's just repeating what has been modelled as 'normal'. He gets served breakfast in bed AFTER he's been mean? No motivation to ever stop treating you the way he is.

I hope that there is still time to overturn the 'lessons' he's learnt OP but you have to make the necessary changes. Good luck

Yeah me too!

'thanks for that comment son! That's another one of your presents gone for Christmas'

I have a teen boy, a few years older than yours. He is occasionally rude to me. If he insults me, it is very simple. I don't cook or wash his clothes or help find his shoes or give him a lift. Pocket money stops and I don't top up his phone. All co-operation ceases until he apologises properly and means it.

You do not accept that shit. Not from his father either. No exceptions. You must stand your ground. They soon learn some respect.

I'd have eaten it. He could make his own. Fucks sake.

Monkey see monkey do your child is a product of their environment sadly and all your other children will follow suit and untill you change things it will only get worst.

You will probably also find that your child ends up with mental health issues because when he treats other people the way he treats you he will get bullied.

The question should be....

Why the fuckitty fuck are you making breakfast in bed for someone who abuses you?

You deserve better so expect better.

I think I'd start by not even acknowledging his existence when he calls me names. Don't even show you are aware he's present and speaking to you.

When he speaks to you nicely respond.

This isn't asd or adhd. This isn't meltdown and uncontrollable use of language which may or may not result in insults.

This is deliberate abuse.

Take controllers and phone off ds.

You will be well shot of your husband. What an arse hole.

You’ve totally rewarded his bad behaviour here. You’ve undermined your own authority as parent.

@EvilsElsasPetSnowman

its not normal preteen behaviour at all!!

Whilst I agree wholeheartedly that the behaviour is clearly learned, 12 years old is old enough to recognise that what he’s saying is deeply unkind (at best).
I absolutely would not be taking him bowling etc until he can demonstrate a base level of respect. Activities such as that are privileges.

I haven't read all the comments so apologies if i repeat something.

I was very rude to my mum as a teen - I liked the idea of confrontation and a shouting match but my parents just ignored my insults and swearing - other kids parents went ballistic at them - they had their personal stereos taken away or they were grounded - my parents just ignored the insults or the rudeness and they used the silent treatment, we were still taken places and didn't have any consequences but both me and my brother got bored because the bad behaviour got us no attention what so ever. I would have loved a bit of being read the riot act - so I could go to school and say "guess what my mum has done now". I did the same with my kids and also with swearing - I was never reprimanded for swearing and I don't pull my kids up on it - hence they rarely swear!!! Sometimes staying silent and not rising to it works wonders!