Very rude teen son

You should have taken the food downstairs abd left it in the kitchen. I would then have told him later that the consequence for this is X and stick to it. He will continue to do it if you don't take back control. You are allowing your 13 year old to insult you. Why?

If you take that sort of treatment from your husband then you’re a fool. It’s not rocket science to work out that your son is just copying his dad. Stand up for yourself against all insults, whoever they’re from. Whilst it’s impossible to tell from the limited amount you’ve said, you don’t sound like a woman who knows her worth and stands up for herself. I don’t think you’ve got much chance of dealing with this without changing yourself first. If you act like a doormat then you’ll get treated like a doormat. I’m surprised that you’re surprised by this behaviour tbh. I doubt you’ll ever solve it now if you’ve let men speak to you like for so long.

I could have written this myself. My almost 13 year old is vile at times. He has called me a cunt twice in the past couple of weeks. For such vile behaviour he doesn't get a lift to school, he has lost his xbox for instance. I've made it very very clear the language is totally unacceptable.

Being Autistic/ADHD does feed into this. My son has come out with some clangers. He's said before ' oh mum your breath is quite bad '. I think it actually was so I explained that I am ok with that but be aware you might get a punch if you say that out there to people.

What you describe. He really needs learn this is not ok. I am quite harsh on things like this. I will explain it has to stop now because it's mocking, belittling and I don't like it. There need to be material consequences so it goes in there. You don't respect me son? Then I can't respect you back in return. That means I don't feel comfortable paying for x,y,z for you.

And make sure you do it. I think that might include phone access, internet access. Whatever makes him listen and stop.

I personally feel this left unchecked is quite dangerous. You need to be on this every time!

Sorry OP, I know this isn’t helpful when you are facing this from all the males in your house, but this is the reason that when I set up my women only commune, boy children won’t be allowed past their 8th birthdays!

Stop protecting ds from the consequences of his actions.

Firstly I'd divorce his disgusting pig of a father and be very open as to why, to both him and DS. That's disgraceful things to be saying especially in front of your child and I've no idea why any woman would find a man like that attractive to start with.

Then I'd absolutely lose my shit at DS and tell him how disgusting and unacceptable his behaviour is. I'd tell him that he is showing no respect for me at all, I feel like he doesn't love me when he treats me like that and that it stops today.

I would tell him I do not want him growing up into an emotionally abusive man like his father is and explain the effect that it has on the person he is mistreating.

If he still continued he wouldn't sit for a week I'd stop doing anything for him. No washing, no dinner, no lifts, no pocket money. Tell him to ask his father, since he doesn't give a shit how you feel, the maid has quit.

I agree,

Perhaps that's also another reason the child is the way he is, who gives a 12 year old breakfast in bed? Let your child grow up!

No. It's probably the same thread.
Leave the bad husband and the son might learn that actions have consequences.

@DoraGray
Abso-fucking-lutely!!
100%

Taking a bowl of cereal back downstairs is hardly withholding food!!!! Presumably he has legs and can stagger to the kitchen himself and do it.

When your husband calls him a vile little boy, why do you feel the need to defend this vile little boy? Do you disagree with your husband's assessment?

You really are encouraging your son to see you as weak, stupid and contemptible and that is why he treats you like this-weak, stupid and contemptible-for no other reason other than he can and get away with it.

Just as your husband will have been a vile little shit when he was a boy, his son is the same and here you here, blaming your husband and exoneratering the mini version, bringing him breakfast in bed!

Iis he copying his dad-yes-but many of us have shitty husbands but our children don't follow that example.

Why is yours? There is something in him that instead of being appalled by his dad, wants to copy him.

It may be genetic and you won't be able to stop him being a vile man but, while he is 12, you can put some manners on him-especially as your husband will support you in this at least.

You are very very silly and need to stop seeing your son as an innocent and start viewing him as a person who needs reigning in while is this age and you can.

If you bring him breakfast in bed again, defend his vile behaviour again-then you deserve what you get but sadly some girl-maybe my 12 year old daughter-will move in with him and reap the shite you have sown.

You say you kicked husband out previously? How come you let him come back??

Sure you shouldn’t withhold food as a punishment, but I wouldn’t be serving him breakfast in bed if she speaks to you like that. You should have done a 180 with the breakfast and taken it back downstairs.

This is his father’s fault for making him think it’s OK — even funny — not to treat you with respect. If you split up I imagine his father will say even worse stuff about you. But you can hopefully change your som’s attitude by pulling him up on it, calmly but unsmilingly, every time he is rude to you.

Or his partner will be posting on here about him in 15 years time. No, smack this hard down now, get his father to do it. How dare he treat you like this? Laugh in his face!

The son's father speaks to the OP like this. He gets the insults from him. The father approves. There's no sensible father here to step in and rein in the son, so it will be down to the OP and her actions.

I just took his breakfast up to his room as a Sunday treat

Why are you doing that? Good grief, I wouldn't do it as a treat and yet you still gave him breakfast in bed after he spoke to you like rubbish? No wonder he speaks to you like this, you're sending out the message it's ok to speak to mum like shit because she puts up with it and he'll still get waited on hand and foot no matter what.
What are you doing to stop this behaviour?

Or his partner will be posting on here about him in 15 years time. No, smack this hard down now, get his father to do it. How dare he treat you like this? Laugh in his face!

He’s old enough to go downstairs and make his own breakfast! It’s not taking food away, it’s withdrawing the treat of you making it for him and bringing to his room, which he clearly doesn’t deserve. By still giving it to him you’re rewarding his behaviour and showing him he can get away with it.

Let your husband cry. Let him blame you. Shut the door and give your children a calm home where they relearn how men and women can interact, and you can support them to develop emotionally without having it all undone by this awful man. Calling you derogatory names and getting others to mock you IS abuse, OP.

Why is it you going this time?

And what persuaded you to take him back?

All this changing your own parenting is fairly pointless unless you get away from the male role model who is modelling this on a daily basis, and that you are yourself perpetuating by taking him breakfast in bed and giving it to him when he is rude.

Giving him a talking to, or even a slap like one poster (!) isn't going to help.

You have created this monster to some extent, sorry OP, but you have. I know I've made my children less emotionally regulated than I'd like by shouting a lot when they were young, but I do own it.

Everyone saying he's vile, horrible- no, he's copying. He thinks that's what grown-up males do to women.

I bet his dad will be too lazy himself to come over much if and when you throw him out again (and I hope you do or move out yourself). I think you have a tipping point here- but within two years, when he's 14 and stronger and bigger, it will be much much harder, so act now (or soon) if you can, OP.

Sit him down, make sure he is looking you in the eye and read him the riot act. You are his mother. He should show love and respect for you at all times. he should appreciate all that you do for him. Ask how he would feel if you mocked him all day long, if instead of love, he got a barrage of scorn. Make sure he answers the question. Give him an example if he needs one - look at him with a smirk and say something rude about him. Ask how it would feel for your own mother to constantly put you down. Get an answer.

Ask him what sort of thing he could say that he thinks would make you feel happy and loved by him. Get him to suggest some ideas. Explain that a confident person has no need to put down the people who love them, and if he knows how to treat you well, from the ideas he's just come up with, then he has no excuse for ever treating you badly again.

I would tell him that you have a strong and healthy sense of your self worth and you have no time for bullies, so that if it ever happens again - even once, the following will change: You and his father will no longer pay his phone - cancellation immediately. You will no longer give him lifts anywhere - not to school, sports, friends, nowhere. You will no longer prioritise buying food he likes or cooking his favourite meals. You will no longer do any washing for him. The reason for this is because you will never in your life be kind to someone who bullies you. You don't have to, so you won't. The easy solution to him continuing to have an easy life is for him to never ever mistreat you or any family member like that again. And now he has to do a chore and write you a letter of apology if he wants you not to implement these changes.

I am a very soft mum. Too soft. I know this and my DC know it too. I am a pushover in too any ways except one - they are never allowed to mock me or take me for granted. Soon as they do, they get that warning and they know I mean it 100%.

You need to grow up. I mean that kindly. Stop letting people abuse you. Your son and DH were surprised because you stuck up for yourself! You should never gave tolerated this gross behavior from either if them in the first place. You teach people how to treat you. Get out fast, safely, and remember that your vulnerable children are watching you and learning.

@ChristmasHound I hope you get somewhere to move to ASAP. Must be very very difficult, obviously your grim husbands attitude and insults at you are a massive factor here. Big congratulations on getting your ducks in a row x

It’s quite normal to fawn to someone who’s abusive to you, and to do things for them so they like you and stop abusing you. But it doesn’t work as the breakfast demonstrated.
You need a long term plan and you need to get to a place where you don’t need your sons approval. He knows you want him to like and respect you and you are demeaning yourself in his eyes by seeking it.

Stop giving a shit what he might think about you. He’s a child and he’s rude and verbally abusive. Stop lifts, treats and any other services he enjoys. He’s old enough to do his own washing and other things around the house. He’s old enough to be left at home for a few hours as well.