How to word in my will that I don't want estranged parent at my funeral?

I think the only way to stop someone coming to a funeral, realistically, is to have trusted people sworn to secrecy, or not to have a funeral. Funeral directors will refuse to act as security. They simply won't do it.

Wills are made available to the named executors almost immediately after death. Wills often contain funeral and burial instructions so of course executors and solicitor will know the contents.

If by "read" you mean read out at a meeting of the family that's fictional bollocks.

Who would stop them from coming into the funeral? Who would give that task to ?

To be blunt, you’ll be dead. You won’t know if they come or not, and it won’t make the slightest bit of difference to you.

It sounds to me that estrangement is not enough for you. You feel the need to make a final ‘fuck you’ statement— and have a go at the other parent into the bargain. I’m not sure it would be worth the emotional energy. Try to put them to the back of your mind, ensure that they do not benefit in any way from your will, but don’t overthink your funeral, which is not for you anyway, but for those who are still alive.

You can't stop someone from attending an event from beyond the grave. It is a waste of your emotional energy to agonise over this. Simply write a line the will or in a seperate letter that says 'X parent is unwelcome at any funeral or memorial held' and move on.

If you dont trust your other parent you need to ensure they are not the one organising, and thus 'hosting' your funeral.
Ultimately anyone could tell the estranged parent the location /time of the funeral but it will be whoever is hosting the event that would be in a position to bar them entry or ask them to leave.
Its not going to be possible to guarantee they are not there - you seem to imagine that if it's in your will that somehow formalises it and sort of makes it legally binding in some way but for a request like this, thats not the case.

If your parent has been vile / toxic to you during your life, and you do pre-decease them, comfort yourself that there is a high likelihood they won't know when you're dead nor the funeral arrangements and won't be bothered to come to your funeral anyway, why would they.

i wouldn't emburden a funeral director with the job of blocking an unwanted relative, in the main they already do a great job of dealing with the practicalities and logistics at a very difficult time, it would be the last thing they need to have to navigate through.

You can write a letter however way you want to and address it to anyone you want to.
It would be impossible to guarantee such a wish would be respected and it certainly cannot be enforced.
You are wasting time, energy and emotions on something that cannot be set in place.
Why would you care anyway, you'd be dead. And the parent in question will most likely die before you will.

That's incorrect. People leave funeral instructions in their Will, whether burial or cremation. This would normally be checked as soon as a person has died.

The will is obtainable within maximum of a few days if it is being stored by a solicitor, upon presentation of the death certificate and the executor's ID.

You do realise that life doesn't always work like that....

Why would anyone want to exert control beyond their death?
It smacks of narcissism.

I sincerely hope my bil doesn’t come to my funeral but as he and his dw could hire themselves out as professional mourners with a stellar cv I’ve accepted that they may well attend.
I don’t let it worry me because I’ll be dead.

Write in the letter that you do not want him there, and that you understand that your siblings would like to attend in peace - as you've stated in this post.

At the end of the day, in the normal run of things, children don;t pre-decease parents, but if you do and if he does turn up, you won't know about it. It seems a bizarre thing to be so concerned about.

I have a relative (not a parent) who abused me as a child - have been NC for 40 years - but I can't get worked up about whether he attends my funeral or not,
At most a bit miffed at missing out on the joy his death.

I think that telling your funeral directors is the best policy. Saying something like "Due to the relationship I had with my parents during my lifetime, I would like all efforts to be made to ensure that they don't attend my funeral. Should they turn up uninvited, I would ask that you politely request them to leave, so as not to distress the other guests who are welcome. I would also ask that you don't supply them with an order of service or any other form of keepsake such as the funeral flowers"

You don't have to specify why, just let them know what you would prefer and hopefully they will honour it as best they can.

In my own experience, what happens to the deceased's body, and what happens to their assets/finances (which is the main point of a will), are two different processes which can go at different speeds depending on the details. The best thing is to keep next-of-kin/executor informed about your wishes (and give them a copy of the will).

Direct cremation as others have suggested

I also like the idea from a pp of holding some sort of celebration before you die (if you have reason to think you may die prematurely)
It means the family and friends you'd want to celebrate your life can do it with you, with no risk of anyone you don't want to be there.

Then instructions for a direct cremation.

If there are no suspicious circumstances and the will is bring held by a solicitor, very often the funeral is happening alongside to access to the will. We'd had the funeral before my Mother's bank accounts etc were closed. We'd only claimed the life insurances via the death certificate. It depends on how busy people are, were they live re proximity, who is executor etc.

I've had to opt for a direct cremation to protect my youngest from toxic relatives.

This. You won't care. It won't matter.

Have a direct cremation. Then your family can have a wake in their own time to celebrate your life. We did this with FIL.

I have been to a number of funerals where the deceased has pre-arranged the whole event.
Because of that, everyone was extra respectful of not diregarding the details.

Another thing I have encountered, which might be nice for you, is a living wake.The very sick person invited all their friends and had a wake before death. It was a lovely way to say goodbye. (Op could invite only one parent, and give very short notice of the occasion.) Then the person did not have a funeral.

A relative had no funeral also; they donated their body to science.

To be honest, that is their perogative. It won't affect you either way as you'll be dead...an easy life for those left behind you is more important.

Correct but you can prevent them from finding out the details - op who is likely to let them know?

the only sure fire way would be to have a prearranged no mourners present cremation and then get a trusted person to scatter your ashes at an unknown location but this may be hard on other mourners - however they could have a wake at a private address which would enable them to refuse entry

zero point wasting energy on this. Chances are they will be gone before you, but even if not, no-one can bar anyone from a funeral.

Direct cremation…

You can't really... Funerals are open to the public, and short of privately hired heavies on the door (which would likely cause a huge scene), then you can't really do anything. There's no point putting anything in your Will, as they often take months after the funeral to make themselves known.

The wake can definitely be an invitation only event, and doesn't have to be on the same day as the funeral, so weird parent need never know anything about it. There can just be a generic announcement at the service that "invitations to the wake will be issued in due course."

But with all due respect... You'll be dead, so wouldn't know if they turn up or not.