How to word in my will that I don't want estranged parent at my funeral?

How do you think it will be enforced? If a person wants to attend and doesn't listen to the funeral director, I suppose they could call the police but I'm not sure the police will attend unless there is a crime.
You could allocate finances for a security guard to deter the person.

Have you spoken to the other parent? Perhaps threaten them with also not attending if they allow the person you don't want there.

OP do you have someone who you could trust to sort out your funeral not to tell either parent about anything? That's the most likely way to get what you want. Nothing has to be publicised, and you don't have to have a grave or permanent memorial anywhere public either. They can't visit what's not there.

If you don't, then I'm not sure the funeral directors are going to be able to do much given that they won't have the right to make someone leave a funeral. In which case it might be better to make your peace with it.

Not having access to a Will for months, sounds so wrong. What happened to your dgf’s estate in the months before his Will became available, regarding property insurance, utility bills, any benefits, pensions or personal bequests etc.? Some things just can’t wait for months to be dealt with.

When my dm died, my elder brother started making decisions about her estate, within 2 hours of her death. I informed him to stop as my younger brother was named as the executor and would be dealing with her estate. When he started arguing, I told him that she had given me a copy of her Will and this was her choice. The only thing my younger brother wouldn’t be dealing with was her funeral, as she wanted me to arrange this. I gave my younger brother the copy as soon as I practicably could. Elder brother was not happy, but it was dm’s choice!

It wouldn’t have been possible to carry out her last wishes, if we hadn’t had access to her Will for months.

Death certificate picked up within a few working days, assuming will is lodged at a solicitor's, a couple of days to arrange a convenient time for the executor to then collect will. I would say it's a rarity for any will to not be seen before a funeral takes place, in the UK.

You will be dead, you won’t know or care. Funerals are for the living, so let them sort it out.

But you’d be dead so how would you even know or care at that point

Theres usually a line in a will stating ‘I wish to be cremated and scattered in the park’ or ‘buried at st Mary’s’ or ‘donate my body to medical research!’ So think it is usual that the will is looked at before the funeral. And totally normal to have a copy at home, ours are renewed every 10years or so, and there’s always a paper copy in hand.

I think it will be tricky to keep someone away that was determined to attend, particularly if the parent organising wants them there.
The only way i can think of is direct cremation - sorry this is something you are having to think about OP.

This is only true on tv. My nan told all of us where her will was kept so when she died it was opened. It contained instructions about the funeral as well as information about who was to look after the cats (me). It's probate that takes months, everything else is quite simple.
However, you can't ban someone from a funeral. My uncles tried and she turned up anyway. Cue lots of unnecessary drama at the graveside which was actually quite funny and nan would have enjoyed it.

This is not practical. Don't worry about it - it won't bother you at the time so somewhat ridiculous! Perhaps they may have a mea culpa moment anyway.

Can we dispense with the nonsense that wills are read. There's no legal requirement for will reading and I've never known it to happen except in period dramas.

It's difficult to exclude someone from a funeral - especially if they're that sort of person, in which case other mourners will probably see them for what they are anyway.

My advice would be to care more about living a good life while you can.

OP, I hope it's ok to ask a question. You don't have to answer. Have you put anything in place that would prevent your parent from visiting your bedside in hospital if you were incapacitated? For example in a coma. If so, how does that work?

I want to put something in place for myself.

My mum's wouldn't email it. The funeral director picked her up from the hospital on presentation of the green hospital release slip. An appointment has to be made to pick up the death certificate, then time made to do everything else, alongside normal life. So you can get the will just as the funeral is happening (as said), but it isn't a necessity if there isn't family arguments going on etc. So we got my Mum's afterwards.

@sarah010179 this would go better in an expression of wishes letter, which you can write to cover all kinds of stuff that wouldn’t go in the will, perhaps explaining reasoning etc.

You can be as clear as you like and can write more than one letter so you could just write one about the funeral saying you do not wish person X to attend.

This must be a hard topic to think about and organise, I think that you’re being really brave and I’m sorry you’re getting such difficult replies.

Id go for something like:

I have pre-organised my funeral because it is my specific wish that it is invitation only and that details about it not advertised or shared by word of mouth. My wish is that people who I had a close relationship with in life are able to attend if they wish and to celebrate my lift. It is my specific wish that (full name of parent), who I was estranged from in life, is not invited to the funeral, wake, or any other celebration of my life.

I was executor for my dad's will and i knew exactly what was in it.

The only time I experienced a delay in finding out what was in a relative's will, was because the executor was lying to us and obfuscating things to their own advantage.

not necessarily. I collected the will from our solicitor the day after my husband died. In fact i already knew what was in it and of course executors, anybody in fact, can be given a copy by the testator. There is a legal process that needs to be followed before the executor can distribute the estate, but that isn't what you said?

Your will isn't executed until after your funeral.

The contents of wills are made known to the executors immediately on death. The executors , depending on whether or not they are family members, may or may not be dealing with funeral arrangements.

It's utter nonsense- this idea that all the family gather round to be told who has inherited and who has been disinherited to astonished gasps and wailing.

@NewFriendlyLadybird - you put it much better than me.

One of my relatives died recently. They prearranged their funeral and informed the funeral director that the cremation was to be immediate family only (as in spouse, child, sibling, parent, parent in law, sibling in law, twonaunts and their spouses) but the wake was more open.

These wishes were honoured.

@sarah010179 if you have specific wishes then you should prearrange your funeral with whatever clear directions you feel you need.

I think the wider issue to be explored, faced or resolved is your relationship and contempt you have for your DM. She seems to be the one causing you angst.

This funeral scenario is a sort of 'helpless and hopeless' situation that you want to impact / control both your DPs.

But why not deal with those feelings now in life and put them to bed rather than live with this resentment and plot spoiler after your death?

You dont even have to 'face' your DM or DF - you just need to do some counselling so that you can unravel your issues and your DM behaviour doesnt emotionally trap you in the same silent rage way that it does currently. You need to be released from this toxic emotional dynamic if its preoccupying you to this degree especially given that the ages/timings is an unrealistic scenario.

Why do posters who clearly know nothing about this post such nonsense?

I'm a solicitor. The will is checked as soon as the death is known. Many wills contain explicit instructions about funeral and burial arrangements. These directions don't however have to be followed.

This. Prepay for a direct cremation with no attendees, that's the easiest and those who care can say goodbye privately.

Being light-hearted for a moment, can you make a bequest in their name to a charity you know they would hate? And have that announced at the funeral?

Sorry to to hear you find yourself in this position, but please try not to let them get to you too much - they're not worth the headspace...