How to word in my will that I don't want estranged parent at my funeral?

Agree. Stop wasting your life worrying .

I was the executor of my stepfather's estate. I had the will several years before he died.

He asked for his ashes to be scattered in a specific place by the Humanists with no ceremony and no onlookers.

When he died, I spoke to the Humanists who said that they would happily arrange for this type of thing but the place he'd requested was the grounds of a Listed Building so they'd have to ask permission which might not be granted.

I knew that this place was special to him and it was where he had scattered some of my mum's ashes. So I ignored the parts of the Will specifying the Humanists and specifying that noone should be there. I collected his ashes and took them to the special place where I drank a last cup of tea with him and then scattered his ashes where he wanted them to be.

No ceremony.
No service
No onlookers

I interpreted the spirit of his Will, if not the actual wording.

I would think so, the rules of intestacy would kick in I think if all best efforts to find any will failed, including checking with solicitors, banks, etc

Surely very unusual? Even if a will has been lodged with a solicitor, copies are often given in advance to family or close friends named as executors. Dh (a named executor) was given a copy of a friend’s will well before he died, and my DM gave copies to family executors well before her death, too.

In any case, I would never leave the sole copy of a will with a solicitor! Firms get taken over, things get lost - it’s by no means unknown.

Quick question, not trying to derail the thread; what happens if nobody knows where the will is (or who the executors are) and a copy can't be found in the deceased's papers? Is the deceased simply treated as intestate?

The solicitor notified us that we were executors and arranged for the reading after the funeral as this is what the deceased wanted.
So that’s what we all did.

Our relative kept their will at the solicitors. No other copies although we knew who the solicitor was.

I appreciate people may not have come across this before but we have.

@StandingSideBySide

The solicitor acted improperly in that case as he/she should have shared the will with the co executors as soon as they were informed legally their client had died (usually on production of the death certificate) however contentious they should be able to see it and there's then no legal reason to share the contents any more widely until probate is granted and the will is available as a matter of public record.

We have just gone through this process and the contentious issue was notified by the executors informing the recipient of the will contents as pertains to them at a time of their choosing in a formal letter with a copy of the will (redacted) attached. Lead and balloon are a phrase synonymous with the atmosphere

You can’t. My granny wanted one of those wicker caskets for her funeral, once we got the quote we realised there was no way she’d have spent that amount of money, as she was quite tight with money 😁 So we ignore that wish!

This may have already been suggested but if you are absolutely resolute that this person shouldn’t have any prospect of involvement then you could write a formal letter of your wishes and lodge it with your solicitor or a very trusted person.

Have a direct cremation ( this can still be attended by loved ones but doesn’t involve a service. The details of this can be kept absolutely private)

Have a memorial service for friends and family strictly by invitation.

Have your ashes scattered in a place unknown to the NC parent.

Someone’s been telling you porkies - my guess is the solicitor who hoped to get a nice income from executing a complex will. A solicitor - indeed anyone - cannot prevent a will being opened and handed over to the Executors named in the will.
My will is in a filing cabinet in my loft - if I had written in it that it was not to be opened until after I had been buried, how would anyone know that unless they actually opened it?
There are wishes that can be written into a will, and actual legal processes. Wishes do not have to be followed. Legal processes do.

I think we decided to read the will to the rest of the family because they weren’t getting anything like they thought they were. One member had already got planning ( a year before! ) for an extension which they thought they’d pay for with their inheritance. The will didn’t leave them anything.

So my dh read it out but he didn’t have to.

Sorry but this is nonsense.

My father wants quite an elaborate funeral and he has been advised (I think by a solicitor) that he can make it a condition of his will. That is, we won’t get anything until he gets his marching band!!!

You are right. I misunderstood the fact that funeral plans are actioned immediately. I was thinking of the distribution of the estate. My apologies.

Still the executor of the Will can't stop people from attending the funeral/cremation if they hear about it. This is not something the OP or the executor can prevent.

And how precisely do they police this? They could ask them to leave, but they cannot prevent entry!

As I have said we were in fact allowed to remove the third executor as it was in the will.
We also could not see the will until after the funeral, again all written into the will.
Our deceased relative had the whole process very tightly sewn up in the will.

Our local undertakers if informed will turn people away if not wanted at the funeral.
Took the stress away .

As others have said, putting it in your will might mean it doesn't get seen before your funeral.
Do a separate funeral plan and make sure people close to you know your wishes. Include everything in your funeral plan - cremation/burial/direct cremation, wake or not, people to invite, people to excude if you wish, music and readings if you want a service etc.

I specifically told someone to stay away from my Mum's funeral and they did.
I had briefed others on the day to keep an eye out for the poisonous old bat.
If they had turned up, I would have thrown them out....

You can also put a comment in your will explaining why you're excluding them from inheriting from you should you pre-decease them.
That will make it harder for them to challenge your will and say you just forgot to include them.

Yes I know the executors see the will. Goodness only knows how many times I've taken wills out of our will safe, checked who the executors are and given them a copy. The executors can't force another named executor to stand down- the other executor can choose to.

But all this guff about "reading the will" etc, etc is so irritating.

Unusual!

That’s not what should happen legally. Assuming the solicitor was a joint Executor and also held the original will, then yes, you’d have to go into their office to discuss the next steps and see the will. there is absolutely no requirement to tell anyone else what the contents of the will are until probate has been granted, no matter how contentious. Just because you chose to do this doesn’t mean it’s what should happen, or needs to happen legally.
Regarding funeral costs, in the vast majority of cases, a funeral director will send their invoice directly to the deceased’s bank to receive direct payment. The executor then receives a copy of the invoice.

As I said. The will was contentious which I think is why the deceased wanted a non family member to be involved initially.
In terms of payment their expenses up to and including the reading were made when it was written, ten years before.

We were executors which is why we saw the will.
We and the other executors could take the work on ourselves after the reading without the third executor, the solicitor. It was written in the will.

Direct cremation is you only option really as you can't legally ban them.

You could leave wishes that they aren't welcome at your wake though.