How to word in my will that I don't want estranged parent at my funeral?

My husband doesn't want his son and DIL to come to his funeral. We haven't heard from them for years and then it was just online abuse. He's planning a direct cremation and a celebration of life afterwards in a venue that has the facilities to ban people from entering. It's the only way to control the situation. As I'm much younger, he doesn't want me to have them causing a scene and stress to me.

At a recent family funeral those who weren’t invited didn’t know where the burial was, made it simple

Agree with this

You’re right - you would have to be a twat, which is more than likely if the deceased didn't want you there in the first place.
Sadly, most ordinary people cannot afford to pay for private security for their funeral. If someone did ‘Chuck you out on your arse’, that would have been a criminal assault.

No, it wasn't your point exactly. You said in another post "Your will is not going to be read before your funeral. There is a legal process which can take months before the will becomes available to the executor."

This is not the same as "The executor should have immediate access. If the executor was a solicitor, then you have no legal right to see the will until it’s gone through probate."

Ah - apparently this is because the body is not part of the estate.

OP, I think if you're looking for some way to give your parent a final "fuck you", there are probably far more effective and certain ways to achieve that than trying to control attendance at your funeral.

You could have a letter read out about/to them at your will reading, arrange to have something sent to them (or published if that's what you want) explaining your feelings and so on.

But trying to control the funeral itself sounds like a waste of your energy as it will depend on the people who survive you carrying out your wishes. This would require being able to control the relationships that other people have with this person, and these obviously aren't something within your control.

From a practical perspective, whether intended or not, you'd be potentially engineering a big argument during your funeral, which seems like quite an odd legacy to want to leave your actual loved ones.

The role of executors is not to prohibit people attending a funeral, it is to distribute your estate in accordance with your wishes.

Thanks, I just thought it was a good place to ask. Thinking back, my dad didn't send me a copy of his will, it was with his papers; but as that bundle of paperwork was seriously incomplete, I might have been in that situation. (Which might have made things easier in some ways but that's another story and too much of a tangent!)

Well obviously
Its up to an individual to decide to register their own will. I’m assuming that’s why @MoralOrLegal was asking.

So it can be found if you don’t want to run the risk of no one knowing your wishes.

Presumably OP means during the interment.

I'm sorry, OP, but what you have there is not one shitty parent, but two shitty parents.

Perhaps you should consider the idea that neither of them should be informed about funeral arrangements.

Otherwise, I might consider a backstop arrangement whereby, if they attend, one of your friends stands up at some point in the service to read out a statement about the fact that you specifically didn't want them there, and why. Make everyone look at them and know what they've done. I do appreciate that the funeral should be a celebration of your life, though, and you would not want to focus on them. However, even the threat of this (perhaps together with a copy of the statement to be read out) might deter them from attending.

Or indeed if the will is overseas, as my dad's was!

The easiest way to do this is not to inform many people about your death until after the funeral. Would it upset your siblings and their families if they are not told about your death? I know someone who did this and it was hurtful for the family left behind.

Not if it doesn't exist or wasn't voluntarily registered like this!

@MoralOrLegal
Theres a National Will Register

You can register your will with them online or if you’re using a solicitor you can ask them to do it.
So it can always be found.

If your siblings would not this either than I would also add this info to the funeral director and tell your siblings you have asked funeral director this

I'm a little confused. If one parent 'has form' for going against your wishes and may likely invite estranged parent, just how 'estranged' is that parent?

But lots of people have requests for when they have died. The songs, the service. Once dead of course you don't know but surely respecting someone's wishes is still a thing?

The OP also stated that she didnt want the other person attending her graveside.....you could have all the bouncers in the world at the funeral (if you waned that 'vibe') but cant see how this it is achievable to stop someone coming to your graveside?

I think the best option is to have the appointed person that you have entrusted to carry out your wishes, to arrange a small private funeral, invitation only, on private property.

Can you stop someone going to a funeral?

If a funeral is arranged through a funeral director, then the funeral director can bar access to anybody not permitted by the person who has arranged the funeral, while the body is within the funeral director’s private premises. A crematorium owned by a private company, such as the Co-op, Dignity or Westerleigh are also private premises, so the same can apply if the crematorium management agrees to restrict entry.

However, many crematoria are owned by local authorities and are usually classed as public buildings. As public buildings they generally have open access during published opening hours.

Speaking to the former manager of a local authority crematorium, I was informed that they would not deny access to anyone who wanted to attend a funeral in their chapel. However, if the person arranging the funeral requested it, the ceremony would be marked as ‘private’ on the list of funerals shown outside the premises, without the name of the person to be cremated.

OP says there is a high chance they will die before their parents.

You've got to be a massive colossal twat to want to go to a funeral where you know you are not wanted.

I bet entry can be prevented. Pretty sure I couldn't have rocked up at someone like Liam Payne's funeral without being chucked out on my arse.

You can write whatever you want but it won’t stop turning up. Funerals are public, as are burials and gravesites. You cannot control the narrative on this one.