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AIBU?

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Original poster

Partner wants sex on trip for me to deal with deceased parents’ estate.

420 replies

Pickytraveller1964 · 01/12/2024 08:49

AIBU to be TOTALLY uninterested in sex during a trip overseas to deal with my deceased, beloved parents’ estate? I told my aged 75+ partner that my daughter and I would be caught up in trying to deal with lawyers, banks, old friends and administrative issues and recommended against coming. He wanted to come. He wanted Business Class too. I have spent over £25000 this far just on travel expenses. He complained because the flight attendants on Qatar had to adjust his first class seat for him, giving me thumbs-down sign regarding the airline. On arrival at our house, he complained the duvet was too heavy then yanked it off me in the middle of the night. I got a separate duvet for me and he accused me of trapping him under his duvet. He has made no compliments about our house except that the rooms are big but he wishes ceiling beams weren’t painted. He complained the shower screen should be higher. He does not like my hybrid SUV. He does not speak the language here and I have to do everything. He wakes up multiple times a night and goes to the toilet or checks his phone, waking me up each time. I’m paying for everything, which I said I would, but he has little positive to say except he wants me to “play with him” in my dead parents’ bed. When I said I’m really not in the right state emotionally or physically to “play”, he said “well you were able to nap yesterday so I don’t see why not. “. (Maybe because I’m in my beloved parents’ bed, my daughter is nearby, I’m exhausted mentally and physically, he is long on complaints and short on praise, I am the sole driver, procurer of groceries, cook, dishwasher, money source and I only have ten days to try to see all our family friends and lawyers…???). Now he’s acting put out and semi-sulking downstairs. AIBU to not want to service him in bed?

OP posts:
AutumnalBaker · 01/12/2024 14:23

Ltb

BunnyLake · 01/12/2024 14:23

Your partner makes me feel physically sick just reading about him. How are you not totally repulsed enough to get rid?

Glad to read that you are getting rid.

LikeWhoUsesTypewritersAnyway · 01/12/2024 14:21

SlugsWon · 01/12/2024 08:54

Are you a similar age to him? You sounds as if you find him creepy (TBF he is creepy and awful). Why are you with an awful old man?

This. ^ Why on earth are you with him @Pickytraveller1964 ???

A 15 year age gap is an issue when the younger one is say only 17-21 and the older one is in their mid to late 30s. There is a power imbalance. And it's a bit worse when it's the man who is the older one.

No-one ever talks about the issue at the other end though, and it's rearing its head now. The fact that the older one in the couple (which, tbf, is nearly always the man,) is often grumpy and anti-social from around 60-65 (when the younger one will only be 45 to 50, still only middle aged, and wanting to live their best life.)

Do yourself a favour. Just ditch his ass!

.

Bigcat25 · 01/12/2024 13:37

Sorry op in a dumbass and didn't read the full thread. I was just so shocked by his behavior.

LBFseBrom · 01/12/2024 13:17

Is there no other room in the house where you can sleep? I'd take my duvet and sleep on the sofa rather than put up with that.

Bigcat25 · 01/12/2024 13:16

Dump him immediately op. Why doesn't he pay his own way?

2110l · 01/12/2024 13:13

Pickytraveller1964 · 01/12/2024 08:52

i just want to know if sex-on-demand is a right that partners have when accompanying their SO on a family bereavement trip.

Of course not. Totally inappropriate.

Get rid of this awful, disgusting excuse for a man.

Immediately.

VickyEadieofThigh · 01/12/2024 13:07

AlisonDonut · 01/12/2024 08:51

How and why is he your 'partner'?

Yet another to add to my Mumsnet list entitled "Women who would be far happier and no worse off ALONE".

tachetastic · 01/12/2024 13:03

Pickytraveller1964 · 01/12/2024 08:49

AIBU to be TOTALLY uninterested in sex during a trip overseas to deal with my deceased, beloved parents’ estate? I told my aged 75+ partner that my daughter and I would be caught up in trying to deal with lawyers, banks, old friends and administrative issues and recommended against coming. He wanted to come. He wanted Business Class too. I have spent over £25000 this far just on travel expenses. He complained because the flight attendants on Qatar had to adjust his first class seat for him, giving me thumbs-down sign regarding the airline. On arrival at our house, he complained the duvet was too heavy then yanked it off me in the middle of the night. I got a separate duvet for me and he accused me of trapping him under his duvet. He has made no compliments about our house except that the rooms are big but he wishes ceiling beams weren’t painted. He complained the shower screen should be higher. He does not like my hybrid SUV. He does not speak the language here and I have to do everything. He wakes up multiple times a night and goes to the toilet or checks his phone, waking me up each time. I’m paying for everything, which I said I would, but he has little positive to say except he wants me to “play with him” in my dead parents’ bed. When I said I’m really not in the right state emotionally or physically to “play”, he said “well you were able to nap yesterday so I don’t see why not. “. (Maybe because I’m in my beloved parents’ bed, my daughter is nearby, I’m exhausted mentally and physically, he is long on complaints and short on praise, I am the sole driver, procurer of groceries, cook, dishwasher, money source and I only have ten days to try to see all our family friends and lawyers…???). Now he’s acting put out and semi-sulking downstairs. AIBU to not want to service him in bed?

Sex is never a right, so I agree you are not being unreasonable.

However, in fairness from the OP I am staggered that this is the thing you picked out. The man sounds horrible. Can you cancel the return leg of his ticket and leave without him?

betterangels · 01/12/2024 12:46

Noseybookworm · 01/12/2024 12:42

Well he sounds absolutely hideous so I'm not sure why you're with him at all. Why are you paying for his business class flights and why are you paying for groceries etc? You sound like a bit of a mug OP - I'd be putting him on the next economy flight home! Having sex in your parents bed is the least of your worries right now, send him packing 🤢

Yeah, the sex demand would be the least of my worries with this man. Stop paying for stuff for him.

OfficerChurlish · 01/12/2024 12:46

Sex on demand isn't a right for anyone. Of course, in a happy and mutually satisfying relationship you may go along sometimes when you're not really enthusiastic (and vice versa). But a clear no always means no, not "keep on pestering me". Remind him that you advised him not to come along on the trip and that you are busy and he's going to have to entertain himself, and that goes for several of his unmet needs.

Also, please consider that his sulking, lashing out, an insulting you when he doesn't get his way may be a red flag for emotional abuse; he's punishing you for saying no so that you'll decide it's easier and less unpleasant just to say yes regardless of your own feelings and needs. That's not a "partner".

Cattery · 01/12/2024 12:42

He sounds a horror 😱

Noseybookworm · 01/12/2024 12:42

Well he sounds absolutely hideous so I'm not sure why you're with him at all. Why are you paying for his business class flights and why are you paying for groceries etc? You sound like a bit of a mug OP - I'd be putting him on the next economy flight home! Having sex in your parents bed is the least of your worries right now, send him packing 🤢

OhMyGiddyAuntFanny · 01/12/2024 12:32

So sorry for your loss 💐

OMG, your partner sounds awful and very childish. It’s such a shame you allowed him to join you. I think I’d kick him out when you’re all home. He’s horrible.

How2024 · 01/12/2024 12:28

He sounds really not very nice at all and you don’t have to do anything you don’t want to ever.

Emilesgran · 01/12/2024 12:28

Pickytraveller1964 · 01/12/2024 12:21

I’ve been hoping to ride it out for 10 days until we’re back in Oz. He just brought it to a head (no pun intended) with his tantrum over my refusal to engage in sex in my parents’ bed. If he’s as passive aggressive and controlling as he now seems, perhaps he will back off until we return, hoping to try a new attack. Either way, I’ve seen the light and this is over.

Show quote history

Don't even bother getting into questions over paying him back for what he spent. That was his choice, and in no way did it buy him any rights to relationship with you. You do NOT owe him that money!

AnotherDayComeMonday · 01/12/2024 12:27

So sorry for your loss OP.
Cut this sorry excuse for a man loose as soon as possible you deserve so much more. I can tell you from experience that the way he's acted will taint your memories of this time and your loss. Flowers

bluebeck · 01/12/2024 12:26

Another ten days of sex pestery?

Dear lord no. Turf him out now. He can book a hotel or change his flight. Who cares?

Lilactimes · 01/12/2024 12:25

I am so sorry for your loss.
I’m glad you’re feeling more and more empowered by reading all the posts on here.

He is an old man -and thank for he’s not your husband - don’t let him bully or coerce you into anything.
kick him out, dump him, lay down the rules - do what YOU want to feel better. Let him sulk - who cares? Just carry on doing what you need to do, when you need to do it.

Look after yourself and remember you never have to accept behaviour like this from anyone. Be proud that you are financially independent, protect that money, do not let him get his hands on it.

I would dump him as soon as possible.

Original poster
Pickytraveller1964 · 01/12/2024 12:21

bluebeck · 01/12/2024 11:59

Genuinely @Pickytraveller1964 is there a reason you haven’t done this?

Show quote history

I’ve been hoping to ride it out for 10 days until we’re back in Oz. He just brought it to a head (no pun intended) with his tantrum over my refusal to engage in sex in my parents’ bed. If he’s as passive aggressive and controlling as he now seems, perhaps he will back off until we return, hoping to try a new attack. Either way, I’ve seen the light and this is over.

OP posts:
arethereanyleftatall · 01/12/2024 12:14

I'm glad you've seen the light here op.

But yes, you absolutely need to see a counsellor.

Something has gone very very seriously wrong for you somewhere that led you to spend even two minutes with this vile man, and to have to ask the question you did.

Emilesgran · 01/12/2024 12:11

I just hope you haven't already ended up spending as much or more than the value of what he contributed - you deserve to come out of this relationship with a net positive, and not having lost out financially! What a creep.

Emilesgran · 01/12/2024 12:03

Pickytraveller1964 · 01/12/2024 09:19

At home, he has made renovations to my house and took me on a couple of lovely holidays. I was grateful. He lives separately. He has much more money than I and tells me so all the time but he wants me to repay him for the renovations I needed by taking him on trips. This is the second expensive trip I have taken him on and will be the last. I’m done. I told him I am going to have to work to earn back some of the money I have spent and he quipped “That’ll take you forever!” I should have walked off right then.

That's not generous at all though, since he's expecting you to repay, whether that's with money or services. "Generous" would be if it was clear that the renovations were a gift to you. It seems they aren't. Instead, he clearly thinks he's bought a right to your time and your body.
In practice, luckily, he can do nothing to make you fulfill what he believes is the commitment you made by accepting his "generosity".
So if you dump him now - which, given his behaviour, you probably should, he can complain all he likes but unless you signed a legal contract to repay him that's too bad for him.

Maray1967 · 01/12/2024 12:00

Pickytraveller1964 · 01/12/2024 08:52

i just want to know if sex-on-demand is a right that partners have when accompanying their SO on a family bereavement trip.

Sex on demand is never a right - not at any time.

But for him to behave like this in the circumstances is quite frankly repulsive.

monkeysox · 01/12/2024 12:00

Pickytraveller1964 · 01/12/2024 08:49

AIBU to be TOTALLY uninterested in sex during a trip overseas to deal with my deceased, beloved parents’ estate? I told my aged 75+ partner that my daughter and I would be caught up in trying to deal with lawyers, banks, old friends and administrative issues and recommended against coming. He wanted to come. He wanted Business Class too. I have spent over £25000 this far just on travel expenses. He complained because the flight attendants on Qatar had to adjust his first class seat for him, giving me thumbs-down sign regarding the airline. On arrival at our house, he complained the duvet was too heavy then yanked it off me in the middle of the night. I got a separate duvet for me and he accused me of trapping him under his duvet. He has made no compliments about our house except that the rooms are big but he wishes ceiling beams weren’t painted. He complained the shower screen should be higher. He does not like my hybrid SUV. He does not speak the language here and I have to do everything. He wakes up multiple times a night and goes to the toilet or checks his phone, waking me up each time. I’m paying for everything, which I said I would, but he has little positive to say except he wants me to “play with him” in my dead parents’ bed. When I said I’m really not in the right state emotionally or physically to “play”, he said “well you were able to nap yesterday so I don’t see why not. “. (Maybe because I’m in my beloved parents’ bed, my daughter is nearby, I’m exhausted mentally and physically, he is long on complaints and short on praise, I am the sole driver, procurer of groceries, cook, dishwasher, money source and I only have ten days to try to see all our family friends and lawyers…???). Now he’s acting put out and semi-sulking downstairs. AIBU to not want to service him in bed?

Send him back and block him.