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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Partner wants sex on trip for me to deal with deceased parents’ estate.

420 replies

Pickytraveller1964 · 01/12/2024 08:49

AIBU to be TOTALLY uninterested in sex during a trip overseas to deal with my deceased, beloved parents’ estate? I told my aged 75+ partner that my daughter and I would be caught up in trying to deal with lawyers, banks, old friends and administrative issues and recommended against coming. He wanted to come. He wanted Business Class too. I have spent over £25000 this far just on travel expenses. He complained because the flight attendants on Qatar had to adjust his first class seat for him, giving me thumbs-down sign regarding the airline. On arrival at our house, he complained the duvet was too heavy then yanked it off me in the middle of the night. I got a separate duvet for me and he accused me of trapping him under his duvet. He has made no compliments about our house except that the rooms are big but he wishes ceiling beams weren’t painted. He complained the shower screen should be higher. He does not like my hybrid SUV. He does not speak the language here and I have to do everything. He wakes up multiple times a night and goes to the toilet or checks his phone, waking me up each time. I’m paying for everything, which I said I would, but he has little positive to say except he wants me to “play with him” in my dead parents’ bed. When I said I’m really not in the right state emotionally or physically to “play”, he said “well you were able to nap yesterday so I don’t see why not. “. (Maybe because I’m in my beloved parents’ bed, my daughter is nearby, I’m exhausted mentally and physically, he is long on complaints and short on praise, I am the sole driver, procurer of groceries, cook, dishwasher, money source and I only have ten days to try to see all our family friends and lawyers…???). Now he’s acting put out and semi-sulking downstairs. AIBU to not want to service him in bed?

OP posts:
FeetLikeFlippers · 02/12/2024 19:11

I am curious about the 2% who voted that you are being unreasonable - have they never heard the phrase “sex pest”? It’s unacceptable in any circumstances and quite frankly unforgivable in yours. The only unreasonable thing you have done in this scenario is to stay with this “man”. I am sorry you are grieving and not getting the support you need from him.

WoolySnail · 02/12/2024 19:00

Cut him loose, you deserve so much better. You wouldn't stand for this if it was someone treating your daughter this way, so stand firm and bin him!!x

Rosscameasdoody · 02/12/2024 18:59

Pickytraveller1964 · 01/12/2024 08:52

i just want to know if sex-on-demand is a right that partners have when accompanying their SO on a family bereavement trip.

Sex on demand is not a right that partners have at any time. End of.

AlphabetBird · 02/12/2024 18:57

Send him away immediately. You’ll feel so much lighter the second he’s gone. Don’t let him hang around and travel back with you, he can change the flight himself, or buy a new one. Just get him gone.

supersop60 · 02/12/2024 18:56

PetuniaT · 02/12/2024 18:45

Perhaps he thinks he will be cumming into money.

Ew.

JMcB · 02/12/2024 18:53

Hi, Just registered with Mumsnet just to post a reply to this. This guy is slow poison. Scrape that parasite off. If your daughter hasn't said anything yet I bet she really wants to. Ask her for her honest opinion and not to spare your feelings. Tell her you are having doubts so that she is more likely to be honest. You don't need him. Good luck.

SalsaLights · 02/12/2024 18:53

Any further nonsense from him should be met with "I told you this was not a holiday. I am dealing with the death of my parents - now fuck off and leave me alone. If you aren't prepared to give me the bare minimum of courtesy and understanding then I suggest you pack your bag and get a taxi to the airport".

Coloursingreydays · 02/12/2024 18:48

wow. I mean. after reading this I truly love my husband.

GET .DIVOR.CE. now.

What an useless man. You dont need him financially Obvs, SEx you can get anywhere and HE IS NOT THERE EMOTIONALLY for whats important. So, the Q is, Why are you doing this to yourself? Open your eyes.

Best of luck

PetuniaT · 02/12/2024 18:45

Perhaps he thinks he will be cumming into money.

pollymere · 02/12/2024 18:37

When I lost my parents I craved physical closeness so my sex drive went up. It is equally normal to lose interest entirely. I'd be decidedly saying "Er, no, my parents just died". And I never once wanted to do ANYTHING in my parents bed. And the only time I did it in my IL bed I got the serious ick...

Maybe he just doesn't understand the vibe? (I'm trying to answer your question without judgement. However his behaviour seems completely insensitive to your needs, sorry).

CleaningAngel · 02/12/2024 18:32

Pickytraveller1964 · 01/12/2024 08:56

Thanks! He’s been very, very generous back home and he is a widower so I cut him some slack. I care about him and know he needs excitement and affection but I’m not a trained dog. And sex is so far from my mind that I can’t believe he expects it on this trip.

Dump him, sounds an outright self obsessed arse hole. You dont need him

ThistleTits · 02/12/2024 18:31

Pickytraveller1964 · 01/12/2024 09:05

I just turned 60 and I agree that I am not being firm enough. I suppose I feel obligated for all his generosity, but that should be his problem: he wanted to provide those gifts.

They are gifts, not payment for sexual favours. You are not obliged to do anything you don't feel comfortable with. I'm sure you have repaid his "kindness" back. Free yourself from this oaf.

catlover123456789 · 02/12/2024 18:31

Send him back to Oz cattle class and never speak to him again! What a pig!

Btb · 02/12/2024 18:30

Dump him I cannot understand why you are with someone so selfish and uncaring

SoNiceToComeHomeTo · 02/12/2024 18:22

Pickytraveller1964 · 01/12/2024 09:24

I posted this because I spent ages searching the topic of “guilt sex” online and so may sites said it was not right to not respect his sexual needs.

You can respect his sexual needs by acknowledging that he wants to have sex with you and that he may be feeling frustrated or neglected. He can respect your needs by not asking you again now that you've said no and by supporting you during this very sad time.

SoNiceToComeHomeTo · 02/12/2024 18:19

Pickytraveller1964 · 01/12/2024 08:52

i just want to know if sex-on-demand is a right that partners have when accompanying their SO on a family bereavement trip.

Sex on demand is never a right of any partner in any circumstance.
Your partner is behaving horribly.

Victoriancat · 02/12/2024 18:15

Not being funny but if he doesn't speak the language, what country is he from? I have a feeling I can guess

Laura95167 · 02/12/2024 18:05

Pickytraveller1964 · 01/12/2024 08:52

i just want to know if sex-on-demand is a right that partners have when accompanying their SO on a family bereavement trip.

Sex is never a right. No is full sentence. But no grief tends to override desire, he can play with himself

Tbry24 · 02/12/2024 18:03

So sorry for your loss focus on yourself and your DD. I would never speak to a creep like that again and even if I had to pay I’d book him the next flight home, not travelling with me. Yuck!

PaulinBrighton · 02/12/2024 18:03

I only got a few sentences in before voting, didn't even get as far as the sex bit, I'm inclined to call him a c word that women generally don't like so I won't but he is. Sorry you're having to deal with this shit at the same time as what must be a very sad and emotional time for you.

Toptops · 02/12/2024 18:02

He sounds absolutely horrible!
I can't imagine why you are with him?
Condolences on your parents passing...

Fromthestart · 02/12/2024 17:59

I think you can do a lot better than this man, he's a narcissist. He is literally only thinking of himself and I imagine has managed to destroy your self esteem.

Pearshaped20 · 02/12/2024 17:48

What's his role in your life? What does he actually do that's of benefit to you? Sounds like he has zero respect for you as a partner. Sorry but his expectations are just selfishly gross

Miaminmoo · 02/12/2024 17:46

I’m not sure why you even let him go with you, he sounds selfish to a fault, he is the reason my beloved Mum has stayed single all these years after losing my Dad - she is of the opinion that all men of a certain age are only looking for a housekeeper and sex on demand, She treasures living alone. You need to get rid of him if he can’t even imagine how you can forgive him for being so insensitive at such a difficult time.

Electricalb · 01/12/2024 15:28

He has money, tell this piece of shit to get a hotel.

You do not have to tolerate this.
Call the police to have him removed.

Well done for seeing what slime he is.