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AIBU?

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Partner wants sex on trip for me to deal with deceased parents’ estate.

420 replies

Pickytraveller1964 · 01/12/2024 08:49

AIBU to be TOTALLY uninterested in sex during a trip overseas to deal with my deceased, beloved parents’ estate? I told my aged 75+ partner that my daughter and I would be caught up in trying to deal with lawyers, banks, old friends and administrative issues and recommended against coming. He wanted to come. He wanted Business Class too. I have spent over £25000 this far just on travel expenses. He complained because the flight attendants on Qatar had to adjust his first class seat for him, giving me thumbs-down sign regarding the airline. On arrival at our house, he complained the duvet was too heavy then yanked it off me in the middle of the night. I got a separate duvet for me and he accused me of trapping him under his duvet. He has made no compliments about our house except that the rooms are big but he wishes ceiling beams weren’t painted. He complained the shower screen should be higher. He does not like my hybrid SUV. He does not speak the language here and I have to do everything. He wakes up multiple times a night and goes to the toilet or checks his phone, waking me up each time. I’m paying for everything, which I said I would, but he has little positive to say except he wants me to “play with him” in my dead parents’ bed. When I said I’m really not in the right state emotionally or physically to “play”, he said “well you were able to nap yesterday so I don’t see why not. “. (Maybe because I’m in my beloved parents’ bed, my daughter is nearby, I’m exhausted mentally and physically, he is long on complaints and short on praise, I am the sole driver, procurer of groceries, cook, dishwasher, money source and I only have ten days to try to see all our family friends and lawyers…???). Now he’s acting put out and semi-sulking downstairs. AIBU to not want to service him in bed?

OP posts:
caringcarer · 02/12/2024 20:26

He sounds vile. The very last thing you need right now. Can you send him home or dump him?

JoBrandsCleaner · 02/12/2024 20:19

‘sex-on-demand‘ is never a right and I would actually literally leave him.

Fannyfiggs · 02/12/2024 20:13

I'm so glad you're getting rid of this 'man'.

See if you can change his flight and send him back. If you can't change the flight it seems the money is there for him to pay for his return ticket himself.

QuarterHorse · 02/12/2024 20:08

I think I would threaten to tell the Qatari police he was bothering you. If he is non Qateri he would likely get sent out the country pretty quickly in my experience and that would serve the lowlife right.

You sound far too nice to be stuck with him.

FeetLikeFlippers · 02/12/2024 20:05

thestudio · 02/12/2024 19:15

I hate this term 'sex pest'.

It implies that abusive men are just annoying, to be batted away.

In reality, these are men who are abusive.

They don't care whether women want to have sex with them or not.

They're rapists, effectively.

I get what you mean in that it’s abusive behaviour but I can’t agree that it’s the same as a man physically forcing himself on a woman that says no. I don’t mind the phrase “sex pest” because I think it sounds belittling to the men that do it and makes them sound pathetic and whiny, which is what they are. I’m not in any way justifying or underplaying this kind of behaviour, but a man nagging you for sex it isn’t necessarily always intimidating, sometimes it really is just bloody irritating.

ComealongMarlene · 02/12/2024 19:54

Think it's time for a new husband, gross selfish bastard. Thank my lucky stars everyday I didn't end up with a twat like this. So sorry for your loss, you should he being looked after and consoled. Get rid of him.

Car Breaking Up GIF by megan lockhart
BooBooDoodle · 02/12/2024 19:49

Why are you with this pig? Could have saved a few quid by getting rid before you travelled. He sounds icky and extremely repulsive.

JAT49 · 02/12/2024 19:47

Tell him to go Fxck himself what a selfish dick

SalsaLights · 02/12/2024 19:43

JMcB · 02/12/2024 18:53

Hi, Just registered with Mumsnet just to post a reply to this. This guy is slow poison. Scrape that parasite off. If your daughter hasn't said anything yet I bet she really wants to. Ask her for her honest opinion and not to spare your feelings. Tell her you are having doubts so that she is more likely to be honest. You don't need him. Good luck.

Welcome to MN - stick around as I agree with you 😆

Switcher · 02/12/2024 19:42

Not sure the sex is really the issue here. Fwiw I was quite happy to have sex with my DH when we travelled for my father's funeral, but it was my decision and I did want my DH there. He asked me what I needed, made himself scarce at the right time and didn't ask me to translate proceedings. Your "partner" seems to bring absolutely zero to the party and I can't imagine what you see in him.

GivingitToGod · 02/12/2024 19:41

AlisonDonut · 01/12/2024 08:51

How and why is he your 'partner'?

Ditto

sweetgingercat · 02/12/2024 19:40

@Pickytraveller1964

...he is a widower so I cut him some slack.

You have just lost your parents, so now it's time for him to cut you some slack.

But honestly, the whole insisting you have sex in your parent's bed is so uncaring, so unfeeling that it makes me question if he has any sense of care for you at all. I'm sorry.

JawsCushion · 02/12/2024 19:40

Who the hell voted you were being unreasonable?

I hope you dump him. You should.

PetuniaK · 02/12/2024 19:39

Yuck, he sounds gross OP. Turf him out now!! Don’t ruin your trip.

Childish, petulant, spoilt, horny geriatric doesn’t sound appealing in the slightest!!

Isatis · 02/12/2024 19:36

Pickytraveller1964 · 01/12/2024 10:25

He just came in and called me “rude” for not realising he was looking at my back and waiting for me to acknowledge him with a kiss and a cuddle when I was turned away in bed last night trying to fill out legal forms. I told him to fuck off.

He's sharing a bed with you? Put a stop to that immediately.

taxguru · 02/12/2024 19:36

Pickytraveller1964 · 01/12/2024 08:52

i just want to know if sex-on-demand is a right that partners have when accompanying their SO on a family bereavement trip.

"sex on demand" is never a right in any circumstance at all! Get rid of him.

pomers · 02/12/2024 19:35

He sounds repulsive. I’d be asking him to leave and pay his own plane fare

Abi86 · 02/12/2024 19:34

You are being unreasonable to have a total dickhead for a partner.

7ft1garysson · 02/12/2024 19:33

That whole thing has turned my stomach. Gross.

HolyPeaches · 02/12/2024 19:28

Pickytraveller1964 · 01/12/2024 09:24

I posted this because I spent ages searching the topic of “guilt sex” online and so may sites said it was not right to not respect his sexual needs.

Well these ‘sites’ must have been written by entitled incel men or misogynistic women.

He doesn’t care about you OP. I can imagine how traumatic this trip is for you, and he isn’t showing one ounce of sympathy towards you. Instead he’s complaining you won’t have sex with and he’s complaining about a duvet.

I’m sorry but I would be asking him to get the fuck out of my parents’ home. You would be asking him to get the fuck out of my home country and I wouldn’t continue the relationship.

Georgyporky · 02/12/2024 19:20

I'd stick him on the first 'plane home - cattle-class.

mrsmiawallace3 · 02/12/2024 19:19

Pickytraveller1964 · 01/12/2024 09:19

At home, he has made renovations to my house and took me on a couple of lovely holidays. I was grateful. He lives separately. He has much more money than I and tells me so all the time but he wants me to repay him for the renovations I needed by taking him on trips. This is the second expensive trip I have taken him on and will be the last. I’m done. I told him I am going to have to work to earn back some of the money I have spent and he quipped “That’ll take you forever!” I should have walked off right then.

Not to be ageist, but at his age, he prolly needs to hire a professional by the hour to ' play with him'.

steff13 · 02/12/2024 19:16

Pickytraveller1964 · 01/12/2024 08:52

i just want to know if sex-on-demand is a right that partners have when accompanying their SO on a family bereavement trip.

Sex is never an entitlement.

thestudio · 02/12/2024 19:15

FeetLikeFlippers · 02/12/2024 19:11

I am curious about the 2% who voted that you are being unreasonable - have they never heard the phrase “sex pest”? It’s unacceptable in any circumstances and quite frankly unforgivable in yours. The only unreasonable thing you have done in this scenario is to stay with this “man”. I am sorry you are grieving and not getting the support you need from him.

I hate this term 'sex pest'.

It implies that abusive men are just annoying, to be batted away.

In reality, these are men who are abusive.

They don't care whether women want to have sex with them or not.

They're rapists, effectively.

thestudio · 02/12/2024 19:13

Pickytraveller1964 · 01/12/2024 08:52

i just want to know if sex-on-demand is a right that partners have when accompanying their SO on a family bereavement trip.

Sex on demand is never a right.
Never.

This man is an abusive prick.

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