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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Partner wants sex on trip for me to deal with deceased parents’ estate.

420 replies

Pickytraveller1964 · 01/12/2024 08:49

AIBU to be TOTALLY uninterested in sex during a trip overseas to deal with my deceased, beloved parents’ estate? I told my aged 75+ partner that my daughter and I would be caught up in trying to deal with lawyers, banks, old friends and administrative issues and recommended against coming. He wanted to come. He wanted Business Class too. I have spent over £25000 this far just on travel expenses. He complained because the flight attendants on Qatar had to adjust his first class seat for him, giving me thumbs-down sign regarding the airline. On arrival at our house, he complained the duvet was too heavy then yanked it off me in the middle of the night. I got a separate duvet for me and he accused me of trapping him under his duvet. He has made no compliments about our house except that the rooms are big but he wishes ceiling beams weren’t painted. He complained the shower screen should be higher. He does not like my hybrid SUV. He does not speak the language here and I have to do everything. He wakes up multiple times a night and goes to the toilet or checks his phone, waking me up each time. I’m paying for everything, which I said I would, but he has little positive to say except he wants me to “play with him” in my dead parents’ bed. When I said I’m really not in the right state emotionally or physically to “play”, he said “well you were able to nap yesterday so I don’t see why not. “. (Maybe because I’m in my beloved parents’ bed, my daughter is nearby, I’m exhausted mentally and physically, he is long on complaints and short on praise, I am the sole driver, procurer of groceries, cook, dishwasher, money source and I only have ten days to try to see all our family friends and lawyers…???). Now he’s acting put out and semi-sulking downstairs. AIBU to not want to service him in bed?

OP posts:
unclemtty · 01/12/2024 09:57

With the age gap, you hold all the cards.
Don't give away your dignity and autonomy to this horrible bully.
If you can't look after yourself then just imagine him talking to your daughter like that, and how you would feel about that.
You set the standards.

TwistedWonder · 01/12/2024 09:54

Please OP you’re only 60 years old - don’t waste your golden years tied to this vile creepy selfish geriatric sex pest bully.

You don’t owe this man a thing - tell him to change his flight, go home and that the relationship is over.

NewGreenDuck · 01/12/2024 09:50

If he wants excitement then he can go to a theme park and go on the rollercoaster. That should be exciting enough for him.
Otherwise I would suggest that he goes home, to his actual home, before you. And stays there.
He's vile.

NotbloodyGivingupYet · 01/12/2024 09:49

OP I think you need to enlist your daughter's help (no need for full details, just that he is sulking and you need shot of him).
Get his flight moved to ASAP, pair of you get him packed and out.

Ppzd · 01/12/2024 09:48

Pickytraveller1964 · 01/12/2024 08:52

i just want to know if sex-on-demand is a right that partners have when accompanying their SO on a family bereavement trip.

No no no no no no no no no no no no no no.
Sex is NEVER a right! Regardless of any situation, of any relationship, of any dynamic or whatever. You NEVER have the right to have sex with someone else. Consent needs to be happily given on both sides, always, at all times, all the way through.

LakieLady · 01/12/2024 09:48

Pickytraveller1964 · 01/12/2024 08:52

i just want to know if sex-on-demand is a right that partners have when accompanying their SO on a family bereavement trip.

It's not a "right" in any circumstances imo. And crashingly insensitive when you're dealing with a close bereavement.

I'm sorry for your loss.

4forksache · 01/12/2024 09:47

Have you actually had a discussion about how you need empathy and support during this emotionally challenging time. That sex is the last thing on your mind and that you are upset that he’s not being sympathetic and supportive? What does he say to that?

Tell him that he needs to stop being a sex pest, as that’s what he is right now, when you are emotionally distressed, and start being supportive or he needs to go home. Give him 24 hours to make a 360 degree turn in his behaviour, and then send him home.

But it spell it out. You shouldn’t need to, but you should have done this and closed his behaviour down, the second it started.

Sooverwork · 01/12/2024 09:46

UnrelatedTo · 01/12/2024 08:56

Why not abandon him in the street, sort out your business and go home without him?

That’s the best suggestion. Just abandon him , he’s a creep.

Coffeealwayshot · 01/12/2024 09:46

I’m sorry for your loss OP
This sounds like a very emotionally and physically demanding trip.
You should be able to focus on your grief and the practicalities of sorting out your deceased parents house.

All that aside, you clearly aren’t stupid and you have financial independence and slmw
family support . Why would you be with this man let alone feel you need to ask on a forum if his creepy, sexually inappropriate, rude and entitled behaviour is ok? You know it’s anything but.

Send him home. Don’t see him again. Know your worth and start modelling that to your daughter before she loses all respect for you

Namechangefordaughterevasion · 01/12/2024 09:46

Pickytraveller1964 · 01/12/2024 08:52

i just want to know if sex-on-demand is a right that partners have when accompanying their SO on a family bereavement trip.

Sex on demand is not a right for anyone at any time. You know that.

Coaster99 · 01/12/2024 09:45

Surely he’s been a creep long before this?

Do yourself a favour and rid yourself of this awful person.

Pickytraveller1964 · 01/12/2024 09:45

Snowplop · 01/12/2024 09:26

I am sorry for your loss. Will your inheritance mean that you can be fully financially independent from this awful man? I do hope so. I've never said this on MN but you need to LTB sharpish.

And who, WHO are the 2% on here that voted Unreasonable? Unfuckingbelievable.

Thanks. Probably the 2% are the one who wrote the web articles. I just confronted him and he said “I’ll talk to you when you decide to be reasonable and listen.” Well thanks to all your support I was able to reply “That won’t be happening!” He
s stormed off downstairs. I feel relieved and empowered. Again, thank you all!

OP posts:
Sheepsandcows · 01/12/2024 09:42

Pickytraveller1964 · 01/12/2024 08:52

i just want to know if sex-on-demand is a right that partners have when accompanying their SO on a family bereavement trip.

it is never a right. under no circumstances. What boundaries do you have that you even need to ask this question?

He sounds awful (not just the play bit). Yuk. what are his redeeming qualities. I would ask him to leave.

Gloriia · 01/12/2024 09:42

Pickytraveller1964 · 01/12/2024 09:36

If it were me protecting anyone else, the guy would be toast. I understand I am being pathetic. Thanks for the reinforcement.

You are not pathetic. He is.

You are in a very emotional situation dealing with your parents estate he should be quietly supportive. Many people get stuck in less than ideal relationships but sometimes a situation arises like this that may well be the last straw.

ScruffMuffin · 01/12/2024 09:41

I would tell him IMMEDIATELY that he is treating this trip like a holiday, which it absolutely isn't, and to fuck off. I reckon an economy ticket home is a good price to pay to get rid of this arsehole. Dump him. Please!

Beeloux · 01/12/2024 09:41

A 75 year old behaving like this!! Demanding you buy him a business class ticket then complaining.

Pestering you for sex in your deceased parents bed, he sounds utterly revolting.

I presume you’re younger than him? It sounds like he’s seen you as a pension fund and a carer. So sorry for your loss and please leave this vile specimen!

LivingLaVidaBabyShower · 01/12/2024 09:40

Pickytraveller1964 · 01/12/2024 08:56

Thanks! He’s been very, very generous back home and he is a widower so I cut him some slack. I care about him and know he needs excitement and affection but I’m not a trained dog. And sex is so far from my mind that I can’t believe he expects it on this trip.

I cannot believe this is true.

ignoring the sex which is a red herring his general behaviour is awful,
He sounds like a entitled arsehole

RealFish · 01/12/2024 09:39

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

bozzabollix · 01/12/2024 09:39

Pickytraveller1964 · 01/12/2024 09:24

I posted this because I spent ages searching the topic of “guilt sex” online and so may sites said it was not right to not respect his sexual needs.

Probably incel sites. Why should his needs trump yours?

Roastitcheese · 01/12/2024 09:39

Pickytraveller1964 · 01/12/2024 08:52

i just want to know if sex-on-demand is a right that partners have when accompanying their SO on a family bereavement trip.

Sex on demand is never acceptable under any circumstances and would be a huge turn off.

Sex on demand basically means he’s happy to have sex with an unwilling partner.
That is coercion / rape.

Why are you with him ?
Does his behaviour not give you the ick ?

I’d get rid of him asap.
Your life will be so much calmer without him.He sounds like very hard work. What’s in it for you ?

thepariscrimefiles · 01/12/2024 09:39

Pickytraveller1964 · 01/12/2024 09:24

I posted this because I spent ages searching the topic of “guilt sex” online and so may sites said it was not right to not respect his sexual needs.

Yuck! I can just imagine what sort of sites they were. No-one's sexual needs need to be respected if that means someone having sex that they do not want.

RealFish · 01/12/2024 09:39

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

HotSlippergirl · 01/12/2024 09:38

Pickytraveller1964 · 01/12/2024 08:52

i just want to know if sex-on-demand is a right that partners have when accompanying their SO on a family bereavement trip.

Sex is never a right. The only person you have a right to have sex with is yourself. Not someone else.

Your partner is a horrible, selfish man. Please leave him.

InSpainTheRain · 01/12/2024 09:37

i just want to know if sex-on-demand is a right that partners have when accompanying their SO on a family bereavement trip.

Just to point out that sex-on-demand is never right, unless both people want it. The fact that he expects this on a trip to deal with your parents' estate is awful. I completely understand where you are coming from, I have lost both my parents in the last 3 years, honestly it really affected me badly and I certainly didn't want sex. Let alone in their old house when I was sorting their things out! (But no pressure from DH as he's a decent man and 100% understood without being told).

I would really urge you to assess if you really want to be in a relationship with him. He sounds absolutely awful and so lacking in empathy and understanding he is a lot cause. Particularly at this difficult time I'd urge you to take several steps back from him, concentrate on your parent's things and resolving that and consider leaving him permanently because I don't see any redeeming qualities that he has.

PenguinLover24 · 01/12/2024 09:37

Pickytraveller1964 · 01/12/2024 09:08

You’re all correct. I’m being weak and I’m not going to stand for this treatment. I’m actually seen as a very strong woman in the public eye. I don’t know why I can’t seem to assert myself with partners! Time to see a shrink…

Don't be hard on yourself op you are going through a lot at the moment (so sorry for your loss) and it easy to ignore things when you have a lot on your mind. But you're right, you shouldn't stand for this treatment, you deserve to live without this disgusting man and you and your daughter deserve to go through this horrible time in life without added stress and pressure. Looking at your update after this one shows this as well, my mum has just left someone who thought because he took her on a couple of holidays and did some work on the house he was then allowed to get away with everything else, it's like he used it against her to get away with other bad behaviour (in this case his drinking, narcissistic abusive behaviour) but he said he didn't know why she was leaving because he had never hit her 🤣 what a basis for a relationship eh? He's not treating you with respect or giving you support through a hard time in life but I bet he'd want you there when he starts to decline running around after him! You know what to do op, you've got this, remember who you are x