To judge friend's approach to Christmas?

Great post. Thanks

How well do you know said friend? Because even the closest friends have problems with family that won’t be aired to everyone, I suspect this is the issue with not inviting family.

Also I’m afraid to break it to you Santa is not real. Women are Christmas!

Does she work? Maybe she just wants a bit of a break?

OP, why don't you just ask her? And if the answer is selfish/I just didn't want to, tell her you find it very hard to hear that and need a bit of space as those values don't match yours?

I find Christmas such a dichotomy (I think I'm using that word correctly!).

On one hand it's a time of year that most people, left to their own devices and work commitments notwithstanding, would look forward to. Even if you're not religious, it's a few extra days off work, twinkly lights, nice food, presents. It could be as low key or as extra as you want to make it. Or you could choose to ignore it completely and eat chips in your pyjamas, or go rock climbing. Do whatever you enjoy.

But on the other hand, it is also a time where we are expected to put other people's enjoyment before our own, even where they are people who perhaps wouldn't or haven't done the same for us, or who we don't particularly like, let alone love. People who expect to be hosted, but aren't enjoyable company or gracious guests, and would never ever think to offer to be the host for a change. We are expected to not have the Christmas we want, so other people can have the one they want.

And some of us refuse to do that, and are seen as selfish. If it makes me selfish, then so be it, I really couldn't care less. I'm proud of the fact I can put boundaries down and stick to them. I know I'm a nice kind person who is good to the people I love, and even to strangers on occasion, I don't need to martyr myself to prove it.

On the OP specifically, who knows why OPs friend is doing what she's doing. Maybe she's horrible, maybe she's selfish, or maybe she's protecting her peace or her mental health. Maybe she's a really lovely kind woman who has just had enough of other people's shit and expectations. It's really noone's business. I judge my friends on how they are with me, not how they are with other people.

No sorry.
I believe you do it due to guilt and conditioned martyrdom (as all women)

Nobody has been anymore unpleasant to OP than she is being to her so called friend.
OP is calling anyone who disgrees with her a troll.
OP is trying to justify judging her friend, based, at least in part, on gossip.
You can look right at me as much as you like, I'm sure you've tried to use that tactic to shut folk down before.

This!

I’m all for doing your own thing, but if i’ve had a good relationship with my parent who is terminally ill, I’m going to be making sure they have the most comfortable Christmas with me and my family. Same if any of my family or friends are alone, I’m giving them the option of spending it with my family.

When your friend’s kids are grown up and don’t want to spend Christmas with them, then they’ll maybe they’ll understand what they did to their parents.

Don't forget Group D-the ones who don't host but expect to be invited to someone else's Christmas every year. I'm happy to be in Group E-the ones who don't do Christmas, partly because my ability to tolerate Group D has run out.

We’ll have to agree to disagree x

She is entitled to do as she wants and feels for herself and her family.

However, I do think that she has never considered being charitable to other people - sometimes life is about giving to others even though you may not feel that you want to. Giving happiness to other people is priceless and can be the one thing that makes life worth living with for them and it is the small things that can really count at times like this. They don't have a monetary value they are just a gift of love and time because we none of know what is around the corner.

Christmas has always been hyped up ,More so than ever now .Expectations of jolly families ,with Nan and Grandad,various aunties and so on.Reality is tons of work for Mums . Feeling exhausted .If your friend wants a cosy Christmas surely thats up to her? We would have just us Christmas morning, then Mum for Dinner/sleepover and PIL for Boxing day.My MIL always said everyone feels exhausted in January with the run up .

Personally it wouldn’t be my choice and I couldn’t leave someone sat alone but I’d never judge without knowing the background. Definitely not worth falling out over.

I think Christmas is about being inclusive, and would hate to think of anyone on their own. Its not being a martyr to care about others. I am not suggesting that every minute of the whole time has to be about other people. But to exclude dying parents from Christmas is cruel, if the only reason is 'what I want'. It is selfish.

There seem to be three groups of people:

A: the ones who host a big Christmas and love it

B: the ones who host a big Christmas and hate it

C: the ones who have a quiet Christmas and love it

Some of Group A seem intent on dragging or nagging the people in Group C into Group B - because you're never going to get them into Group A...

🤷‍♀️

It is very individual to each family.

I'm relaxed about spending Christmas with or without my DC’s and DP’s.
Just how it is.

My DP’s chose to spend their Christmas’ abroad. Their choice. No recriminations from me, no expectations now on them or me even though they are very elderly.

I have the same relaxed view about Christmas and want to make reasoned choices.
My DC’s have grown up the same.

Maybe everyone in her family is abusive and awful. Maybe. But more likely: she's a selfish cow. No one seems bothered about anyone else anymore, they're all out for themselves. No one seems willing to put themselves out even a tiny bit.

I think that is very chilling 😂

It's smacks of bullying that OP and certain other posters on this thread think everyone should conform to their view point.

The point of AIBU is to ask a question. Obviously the Op has to justify their position otherwise there's no discussion?

The bullying is people coming on (multiple times) merely to be unpleasant to the Op. Looking at you @Nolegusta .

Yes, that much seems clear.

For what it’s worth I agree with you OP. I think it’s quite cruel to leave someone alone at Christmas

Wonder how she’ll feel if one day her kids decide to do Christmas with the nuclear family only and she’s left alone

I think this is the crux of it. Depends what long-standing friendship means to you.

My oldest and closest mates, have done lots of things that I wouldn’t do. They have v different opinions about dealing with big life events: bringing up kids, relationships and their breakdowns, elderly parents, bereavement.

But they’re my mates. I love them. We have a laugh together. They’ve always been good solid mates to me over the years, even when they may have thought I was making mistakes or even being an a-hole. They’ve listened and understood rather than judged. And I with them. That’s what good mates do. They’re there for you, no matter what.

IMHO, what seems to be muddying the waters to you is that she’s a family friend, and you’re hearing things via your parents and her family. I think you need to decide if she’s a family friend, who you see now and again but isn’t a good mate. Or YOUR friend, who you want a close relationship with, come what may.

As I’ve said many times, although these occasions sound slightly heartless, it’s one day in a year.

And the alternative is my life, with 25 years of a guest every year for Christmas, when we’d really like it to be just us.

I really doubt OP wants the drana to be over. 🫣