To judge friend's approach to Christmas?

Who mentioned Instagram? That’s a weird projection all of your own.
also Christmas is not just a Christian festival, it also coincides with Yule and is secular for many people now.
I also don’t see how it’s mainly about being kind? Christian christmas is about worshipping the birth of Jesus and showing gratitude to god.

It is.
Christmas based on deliberately excluding family for no good reason goes against the whole concept of the celebration.

And that's where I draw the line.

No, I wouldn't have vile family members over, people who ruin the day and never would expect others to. Hence why I have never had my alcoholic, drug addict, violent, abusive brother over again. Even though he's alone.

But in this example the OP says her friend and the family are close so that's why the friends behaviour seems a bit cruel to me.

I can't imagine leaving my mother, or any other family member alone on Christmas Day. Surely Christmas is a time for thinking about others, for generosity of spirit and for family?

Good for her.
I hope she has a lovely Christmas

@NoisyDenimShaker unfortunately op many people, some on this thread, do not understand the spirit of Christmas.

They think Christmas is something you buy in a shop.
They don’t want to risk any imperfections so it’s easier not to add any variables eg gp’s.

I’m not religious but Christmas is about a baby being born to save the world.
A baby who relied on the kindness of strangers to be sheltered and fed.

Worth thinking on.

@MooseAndSquirrelLoveFlannel

people who bring benefits to your life, who you love, who mean something to you, then never should they be left alone of xmas

I kind of agree with this to a certain extent, but a lot of people feel they have to martyr themselves at Christmas for people who they don't love, and who don't bring benefits to their life, just because they are faaaaammmmmlyyyy!

She should have at least had her dying mother.

Nope, no nerve touched.
I just find your attitude sad.

🤣 You get married then suddenly your parents & siblings are no longer regarded as members of family. As far as leaving a parent alone on Christmas thats ok as the 'new tradition' means they shoudn't need to be considered. Absolute nonsense.

" Plenty of people see inlaws on Christmas eve, have Christmas at home with their kids and go to the other set of inlaws on Boxing Day."

But not usually if one family member is alone on Christmas Day and doesn't want to be.

It was the nice thing to do, but was also the right thing to do.

If your family members are people who bring benefits to your life, who you love, who mean something to you, then never should they be left alone of xmas (unless that's what they want. Sometimes my mum wants to do it on her own) even if it means changing your plans because that is what family does. We put ourselves out for each other. It's not about being a woman, it's about being decent.

Yes, I don't understand this at all. No 'hosting' would be required for you to just pop over to give the kids some presents. It would cost her nothing.

Yes, it is understanable to just want to have Christmas with your partner and children. Just as it's understandable to want to have Christmas alone, travelling, partying or with a giant family and friends celebration. Everyone should be able to celebrate in the manner of their choosing.

What you're talking about is duty. If she were a dutiful daughter/sibling, she would invite others because it's her duty to do so, not because she wants to. So she should never, ever put her needs or wants first. Presumably your friend saw her parents and sees her sister at some point around Christmas, so what is the need to spend a specific day with them? Plenty of people see inlaws on Christmas eve, have Christmas at home with their kids and go to the other set of inlaws on Boxing Day. Also, you don't really know the nature of their relationships. Your families may have been close for years, but that doesn't mean you know the intricacies of their relationships.

I am grateful to an older ex-in law who highlighted that, once married, the couple has created their own new family and they should start their own traditions (and she was specifically talking about celebrating Christmas), not feel beholden to continue doing what the previous generation set out as the norm.

I'm so sorry. Do you ever get to see the kids? (obviously don't answer if it's too painful).

I don't see how your friend's christmas arrangements have much to do with you. I'd put this in the bracket of 'not my business' and move on. Unless this is a symptom of other behaviour that impacts your friendship, in which case, you are not obliged to be friends with someone who doesn't share your values.

Yes I do. I try not to think of it, try to think of other nice things/memories when putting up the Christmas tree and so on, but will likely have a little cry at some point. Nothing beats the love of a decent partner and loving/being loved by kids. (It was the only relationship in my life that I wanted to go the distance. The reasons we split are heart wrenching and not because we didn't love each other.)

I don't do it at all any more.
I've thrown away all guilt and martyrdom, with the help of therapy.

Having your nephew over though was a nice thing to do.
But for many, it's about grinding themselves into the ground and not enjoying Christmas themselves at all.

I am group D too.

Sometimes I host so my family members aren't alone, sometimes it's just DH and the kids.

But it's never been just me doing it alone. DH cooks, I sort drinks and entertainment. We all muck in as that's half the fun!

I'm thankful my children would never even consider leaving me alone on Christmas day. I still have DH & we've always either hosted or been invited to a member of family.