To judge friend's approach to Christmas?

All of these parents who have the mentality of "just me and my little family, don't need anybody else" end up isolated and lonely when their children grow old enough to spend time with their own friends. When her children are older and want to spend Christmas with their own partners and families they will be at a total loose end having excluded their wider family and friends.

OP you write just like a journalist!
hmm…

It’s not about feeeling onligated though is it? It’s about not being a self-centred wanker and showing your loved ones a bit of compassion.

In 1987, my lovely DM only 63, was told she had 6 months to live, just before Christmas in fact and she died in may the following year. I told my DKs, youngest was 5,that this would be nanny's last Christmas with us, I wanted it to be special. It was, still laugh now, because we were playing Trivial Pursuit, and Mum kept answering when it wasn't her turn!

I can’t imagine wanting so spend Christmas without my mum.

I would definitely ask her whether she thought her children would invite her to Christmas when they were married.

OP have you thought about the logistics of having the terminally ill parents over? The picking them up, dropping them off, is it even possibly to get them in a car? The toileting, medication, changing pads, feeding and that it may be upsetting for adult DC?

Why don't you ask her to stop talking about it if it upsets you?

It depends on the extra guest and their expectations. I know I'll have to prepare more meat this year due to our one guest no doubt rejecting anything vegetarian!

I'm just really trying to understand, because friend keeps talking with glee about how she's having the Christmas she wants, and I'm having difficulty not judging

Make the choice not to judge and allow her to do her own thing

HTH 😀

I used to not have anyone over at Christmas because of my ex husband. His mother wouldn't come because his father wan alcoholic, and she wouldn't leave him. Therefore we couldn't ask my parents or sister as it would look like we were favouring them. According to him.
I probably looked like a selfish person.

Now I have a full house every year and I love that.

You need so many threads on here about women who spend 30years catering to everyone else at Christmas and completely resent it. They miss all of their children's Christmas' serving drinks to everyone and cooking and cleaning

This is due to lazy bastard husbands, not Christmas itself. If they pulled their weight the women wouldn’t haven’t shoulder all the work.

And one extra guest really doesn’t create a lot of work.

Well said.
I refuse to be the person you describe and I feel no guilt.

I can understand why you'd find it unusual. I think the majority of people would spend it with a terminally ill relative.

I think there is more to this. Have the kids got SEND which makes the day stressful? Does she have social anxiety around the day itself or her husband/partner? Traumatic memories of Christmas as a child? Could just be as a simple as she wants a nice quiet day just them which seems unusual to those of us who feel it's a social event but odd to exclude dying relatives.

May well be that she's physically and mentally exhausted juggling 4 kids, sick parents, family drama, the constant, unrealistic expectation that she'll be available to sort out everyone else's needs 24/7 and so on to infinity.
It's impossible to keep everyone happy all the time, but it usually falls to women like your friend to do this.
Families are complicated - so much of the drama is unseen by others. You may be giving the people around you everything you can of your time, care and energy, but it still isn't enough for them.

She's taking one day, and perhaps only a part of that. I would not judge her.

Maybe her DH is a shit who makes her life hell if she has people over.

Maybe she is a very rare woman who isn’t trying to keep absolutely everyone happy.

Nobody knows the whole situation.

It wouldn't just be a year or two would it, it would be a couple of years for her family, then sister, then in-laws and before you know it the kids are past the most magic age and all you've done is spend it serving everyone else 🤷🏻‍♀️ at least it's a blanket decision and she doesn't lick and choose!

It's not necessarily what I'd do but I can sort of see why she does it

Don't judge her just because she does things differently than you, if she's otherwise a good friend. Some folk just prefer a quiet day, no hosting, no having to pander etc. Also, there may be a back story you don't know about.

Well I did read that.

To me it sounds as though she is being defensive. As though she needs to justify how she choses to spend Christmas.

Personally I find Christmas a very upsetting time. I try and ignore it as much as possible. If any one talks to me about Christmas I just nod along and try and be polite but not to encourage the conversation. I try and let it wash over me.

I don't see why , even if she initiates the Christmas conversation, you have to be invested in it and be invested in how she spends hers.

I wouldn’t leave anyone on their own, but as the woman/DD/DIL/ wife, it seems MY Christmas doesn’t matter.

I’m the one doing the mental load, planning, shopping, wrapping, cooking, baking, cleaning, and tidy up, as do a lot of women in here. I’ll have to deal with MIL doesn’t like sprouts or Turkey, FIL wants his vegetables boiled to a pulp, they don’t want to watch a Bond movie, comments about drinking too much after 1 sip. In return I’ll get little thanks, and if I’m lucky a thoughtless present.

Hey, but so long as extended family are happy eh? It doesn’t matter that I’ve spent loads of Christmases going to bed at 9pm exhausted and massively disappointed.