To judge friend's approach to Christmas?

Christmas is more than one day, perhaps she spent Christmas with her mother and sister on other days over the holiday.

How do you know they were deeply hurt/upset, do you know them personally, did they tell you? I'm sure in their place I would have told nobody how I felt., certainly wouldn't have gossiped about it to my daughter's/sister's friends.

It doesn't sound good from what you've said but it really is none of your business, don't get involved.

I’d be so tempted to point out that she’ll be the one spending Christmas alone when her kids have grown up because she’s taught them that it’s not for extended family.

But if it were your DM or DF's last Christmas would you let them spend it without you?

Although she is your friend you do not truly know the dynamics of the family relationships and what's gone on in the past. My closest friend thinks my parents are 'sweet' and 'cute' because they are old and they act like that when they see her. I get on fine with my parents but in private they are rude to my husband, quite anti-social, inconsiderate and when I was a child, frankly, not good parents and they pretend now my childhood was all roses when my mum was abusive and my dad an enabler. My sister and I were scared of our mum. So we like to protect our children from their worst excesses and do not invite them for Christmas. To others this may look mean and we never have the 'piles of people round for Christmas' but it works for us.
Same deal for DH's side as well really. In other words, perhaps don't judge what you truly don't understand.

Well it's not the way I do things and I do sometimes wonder at how some people can seem to be so self centred. Some seem to the take the message that it's ok to say no, take time for yourself etc to a whole new level and never do anything that might make someone else happy. I'm slightly envious because I grew up with quite a log of obligation and am still too much of a people pleaser at times with my family.

Other people's expectations are not your obligations.

People can invite whoever they want. And people have different views on Christmas as well. My experience is that sometimes people expect too much from others, without seeing their background.

You’ve been asked why her sister didn’t host their parents in the past, what’s the answer?

if she doesn’t invite her mum and sister why would she invite her in laws?

You seem to view hosting Christmas as a woman’s duty.

Not in any of your posts have you considered that perhaps she doesn’t want to cook a big Christmas meal. Have you asked her why her husband doesn’t host?

I like having everyone around but we are a fairly small family. We were forced to have Christmas just me and children when my daughter caught covid in 2020 and we were all bored without seeing everyone else. I haven't got a partner though so that might change things a little.

My adult children are starting to find boyfriends and they will be over at Xmas this year for either after dinner Xmas say or Boxing day. I want to make them welcome because if they do settle and then have children I'd want it to be normal for them to see me at some point over Xmas but I know at that point I'll be sharing them with their partners family.so Xmas will change again.

She isn't selfish doing what works for her.

Not read the whole thread, but my general thoughts are that it’s complicated. You can never truly know what’s going on with someone else and the relationship difficulties they may have for whatever reasons. How would you feel if you cut this friend off and then discovered that she had some awful situations in her background that explains why she is protecting her Christmas in this way? Not that she needs an explanation.

However, speaking as someone who has very complex relationships with my family, and someone who has gone low contact, I also have found that my own ability to process my trauma and reach a place of acceptance and forgiveness has allowed me to step up and be there for some of the people who have historically been awful, and I’ve discovered that it’s given me a strange sense of peace - that I don’t need to respond ‘like for like’, that I can uphold my own ethics and values and respect myself more as a person for it. So, for your friend’s own personal development and sense of self, I would hope she can get to a place where she can detach but also hold space for others. But that’s her own journey, and not yours to judge.

I wonder if her husband has a choice? Women seem to make all the family decisions and he's expected to go along with it.

She's selfish. Home alone with the children would be easier, but we don't do it.

I'd feel the same way op. There is a sense of obligation around Christmas and the idea of leaving someone alone or out of everything seems wrong.

On the other hand there are plenty of other times in the year when you can see family. New Year is one where we have an extra day off.....

Currently my family and I spend all our Christmases away with the rest of our close extended family. It's fun but slightly overwhelming and samey. I like to see family though and don't want to let them down.

I do miss having Christmas at our house but it's not as convenient for everyone else.

I can understand your friend wanting to focus on her 3 children but leaving her terminally ill mother out etc does seem like a step too far.

I'd try to change the subject if she kept mentioning it. Prepare some left field questions!

OP not everyone thinks like you.

Some people just cannot cope with losing someone from a terminal illness, to the extent they distance themselves. It doesn't make them evil, it's just their way of coping with death.

When you can accept that people have different perspectives and ways of dealing with life's challenges, you'll be a lot less judgemental and more kind to those who think and act differently.

I never wanted to but travel logistics mean I've had to.
Also, some people's parents aren't nice people.

Here’s an idea, OP. Have a baby and see if it turns you from your public-spirited ‘invite everyone’ self to someone who says ‘I only need my own little family’, pulls up the drawbridge, and leaves a queue of terminally-ill and recently-separated relatives weeping on the street?

According to your own posts op you have been friends with this woman and have known her family for decades - maybe you could invite them round for this lovely Xmas that you believe your ‘friend’ is denying them? Or as people say, mum and sister can have Christmas together and no one is alone then. I think you are mistaking being a mum in the real world with being an archetypical mother figure who nurtures and cares for all and has no feelings for herself about it in the process.

Then surely she is so excited because it is a rare day, getting to spend it exactly as she wants? I'd be happy for her. If she was a close friend I would have already talked the terminally ill parent situation with her and know her reasoning. Do you know that the sister wants an invite? I'm choosing to be alone for most of the day this Christmas. I don't want to go to the people's I've been invited to. I see a lot of my adult children and GC (they go to their dad's anyway) and like my day off on Christmas day. Christmas is a season, her in-laws don't get to demand the day.

Why?

To me it’s selfish, I couldn’t imagine having Christmas knowing parents we on there own especially if terminally ill 💔 heck we once invited an elderly neighbour because I knew he would be on his own on Christmas

This is an extreme response - to call someone vile that you have never met.

She hasn’t come on and named her friend and said nasty things about her so is hardly “slagging her off”? She has stated the facts and that she is feeling she is judging her friend because of these facts. She is allowed to feel how she feels and she has come on here to ask others their opinion and get some perspective on the matter. That’s surely the point of an anonymous forum? And it’s definitely the point of AIBU board.