To judge friend's approach to Christmas?

I have my dad and my sister round. Do I want them? Not really as it's added stress/less relaxing. But I wouldn't want them to be alone.

I dread to think that one day my children will be complaining about who gets me!

I think there’s more to it than she’s letting on, not that it matters as it her decision.

we used to spend Christmas at the in-laws, I love them but hated Christmas there as my MIL would always be so stressed but not allow help, my late FIL would kick off about something random in the afternoon, no doubt overwhelmed by so many people in his home and his stressed wife. When my kids were old enough to express an opinion about wanting to stay home that’s what we did. We hosted for a couple of years but my MIL just brought her stress with her! We’ve had Christmas in our own for a few years now and it’s bliss. Our eldest lives away from home and she and her partner do Christmas alone too. We celebrate the week before together and everyone is happy.

i do think it’s sad that she has/had loved ones who desperately wanted Christmas with her but refusing is her decision. I’d be curious if her kids and partner agreed or were just not able to have an opinion.

I will preface this by saying I don't celebrate Xmas so this is like 'an outsiders observation'

Every year, year after year there are posts on here by women so frazzled and exhausted that they've bent over backwards to accommodate everyone else's needs, family members that are rude awkward and overstay, DH that don't get presents or help or just drink too much and honestly it sounds awful. Then all the posters pile on and say, don't do it, just have your family, don't host, just chill get a takeaway, etc SET BOUNDARIES.

Then you have this scenario where someone has clearly set boundaries and a lot of ppl think she's a mean old scrooge who will have mean kids that won't want her at their house for xmas when they grow up. Does anyone win??

The 25th Dec is one day...will the terminally I'll widowed parent be alone on the 2nd Dec, the 26th? Jan the 15th?? Does she NEVER have them over? Must she be judged on this one day that very many people aren't even bothered by the religious aspects of?? The hype truly baffles me. If she is always like this then it's mean, if she not always this then maybe she's just trying to create that pretty matching postcard of little nuclear family in matching pj's and hot chocolate stations that's very hard to create when you start hosting anyone else with needs different to your own immediate family.

I've noticed xmas means different things to different people...clearly it does not mean the gathering of family and being together for her, but maybe she has other times in the year for that.

I find it a bit strange that you've apparently talked about it so much but you haven't gained any insight into why she prefers it this way.

As for hosting terminally ill relatives, are you sure they wanted to be part of the day? Depending on their health a full family Christmas could be too loud and overwhelming for them, a shorter visit might be the kinder thing to do.

Some grandparents talk a good game about wanting to see their grandkids but don't actually ever make any effort to do so. Family dynamics can be complicated. Maybe there was some huge sibling rivalry with the sister who insisted on having the parents with her so the friend's nuclear family only Christmas is actually a defensive move.

If the only motive you can ascribe to your friend is that she's horrible and selfish then you probably don't like her much and might be better off not being friends.

Goodness 🤣🤣🤣🤣

You must be very close given all your knowledge about what the sister does for her Christmas and who she invites for dinner! Couldn't tell you who even my best friend has over for hers! or are you the sister

Your friend does sound incredibly selfish. I know that people have all sorts of reasons as to why they arrange Christmas as they do but her going on and on about it is odd.
For a number of reasons I'm having to have Christmas Day just with DH and children but will be seeing grandparents and other close relatives on Boxing Day/during 12 days of Christmas.

No one was alone. The sister hosted the parents

Is she generally selfish or is this Christmas stance a one off type thing? I don’t know, some people, particualrly women, seem to have the “perfect Christmas” down as some kind of massive deal. I don’t get it, it’s just another day of the year. And even if you’re religious, surely it goes against the meaning of the day anyway. But anyway if it was just this one thing I’d just nod and look past it. Maybe she has her weird reason. If she’s generally selfish and self absorbed and this is just the icing on the cake, then I’d probably be steering clear.

I didn’t necessarily mean they abused her. I mean Xmas can be very triggering if you experienced some sort of trauma at Xmas (e.g. child abuse from another relative or friend staying in, or visiting, your parents’ home or rape at a party or on the way home or even things like a serious road traffic accident). You just never know. She may not have told anyone. Not her parents, sister or even her partner.

As for the in-laws, it may be linked. Maybe she finds it v difficult to be with the in-laws, so that made/makes it difficult to invite her own family. As it’d be clear it’s only the in-laws she wants to exclude and that could cause trouble with her DP.

I spend the majority of the day with just my husband and kids. I see some family on christmas morning and others in the run up to Christmas or boxing day. I don't have the physical space in my house or mental headspace to be hosting my parents, in-laws and siblings when I've got a lot of my own kids. Everyone in the family has their own plans that they do every year and that's what we're used to. How do you know her mum was desperate to spend Christmas with her?

The parent was with the sister. So NOT excluded from a family Christmas

I agree with you op - I cannot understand this woman. The thought of leaving my mom alone, let alone if she were ill, makes me feel tearful.

And those talking about a back story or “there must be more to this”? Well yeah, maybe this woman is a selfish arsehole. That could really easily be the back story.

some of my happiest childhood Christmas memories were of being with my cousins.

Agree with this^^

Would you exclude your dying widowed parent though?

You don't really like your "friend" much, do you.

Consider distancing yourself from her. Obviously I don't know whether you're justified or just being a mean girl, but life's too short to keep these "frenemy" style relationships. Consider making friends with people you like and respect.

Why can't you tell her yourself?

We've always spent Christmas just as us 4......but fucking hell if anyone was going to be alone I'd be the first to open my door. What a strange woman ! And her husbands worse for going along with it. 😬

When I grew up my DH and I both spent every single Christmas with just our siblings and parents. I then visited grandparents/cousins etc on Boxing Day. I don’t think what your friend is doing is odd.

YANBU OP.

I totally understand it might be their preference to spend Xmas as a nuclear family but you don’t always get what you want and I would never see family members alone just because I would prefer it to be a specific group.

I couldn’t enjoy Christmas thinking of MIL sitting at home on her own. Next Christmas it is my side’s turn to have Christmas with us but I am already thinking I might have to speak to my parents about inviting my in laws as FIL is so awful these days that leaving MIL with FIL would be tantamount to leaving her alone tbh

MN gets its knickers in a twist about Christmas because women choose to do it all. This doesn’t happen in this house plus it’s just a big roast dinner with extras.

If people don’t like relatives that’s different, abuse, horrible views over the pudding, creepy relative, won’t have the heating on, alcoholism issues, stuff like that. There can be totally valid reasons.

But everyone obsessed with their family unit only better be ok with their kids leaving them alone at Christmas. They will think that’s the norm, learnt behaviour and traditions and all that.

I do wonder if she might have MH problems. I wonder if that's the most likely explanation. I know she worries about things

Does she start judgemental and unpleasant threads on public fora?

This is partly on you for not making sure the load is shared - eg my husband and I wrap the presents together, I also get my teenager to help with the wrapping for extended family. Husband is also responsible for getting presents for his side of the family and I ask him to research/buy various presents for the kids. He also helps tidy and clean before family arrive and I ask him (and others) to help peel veg etc.

Don’t bend over backwards for everyone. Mil doesn’t like sprouts or turkey? Fine, she doesn’t have to eat them. FIL wants overcooked veg? Tough, he’s not the one preparing the meal.
Also no need to host every year, share it around.