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AIBU?

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Original poster

To be so unhappily married

30 replies

Tryingtodobetter82 · 30/11/2024 22:18

I know I am being unreasonable, so please don’t judge me too harshly.

My husband is a lovely man, and we have two beautiful kids together, and I do love him but I’m not in love with him anymore.
I would like to separate but I am a SAHM, where my little boy is in nursery two days a week from 9.30 - 2.45 and I am studying to go into a different career. And i don’t have any money of my own at the moment 😔

We have been together for 15 years and married for 11, but there is no passion - wasn’t even any on our honeymoon. I had been turned down by him a few times before so my self esteem was too low to get turned down again.
He has never once told me I look nice when we very infrequently go out, will make the joke of “aren’t you going to get changed” which he thinks is funny and I have to tell him each time that it’s not.

sometimes he is great with the kids other times he will lay on the sofa on his phone for the afternoon and let the kids do what they want.
He isn’t abusive, defensive and sometimes gaslighting but not abusive. And he isn’t out all the time with his mates so he is always around just isn’t “present” a lot of the time.

i do the most of the cleaning, all school / school club pick up and drop offs, washing. Which is obviously a given as I am not the one bringing in the money to our household.

I just feel like I’m living in a celibate, last time was 7 months ago, before that it was a year. And loveless marriage.

I had an old friend message me a little over a year ago telling me I was really beautiful and I still looked the same. But I shut it down immediately.
I couldn’t believe him though because my self esteem is rock bottom.

Sorry the post is long & thank you for reading this far.

OP posts:
Original poster
Tryingtodobetter82 · 30/11/2024 22:57

But I also feel like I should not be even thinking like that being a mum.
kind of like my feelings should go on the back burner until my children are older x

OP posts:
Original poster
Tryingtodobetter82 · 30/11/2024 22:55

Thank you everyone.
He is a kind man but can be very cruel at times also.
I have raised how I feel and it gets flipped - “I’m a terrible husband” comments.

raised about the sex issues many many times and nothing ever changes.
I love him and our family, but I can’t live another 10 years in practical celibacy, so I have very carefully brought up the idea of an open marriage.
I’m not sure if that aspect of our marriage was out of the way, there might not be so much resentment about never having affection.

i don’t really know what to do 😔

OP posts:
GivingitToGod · 30/11/2024 22:37

So you love him but aren't in love with him anymore????? That sounds pretty normal for a couple with very young children. I appreciate that the sexual side of your marriage needs addressing but that can be worked at.
I think you have unrealistic expectations OP. You described your husband as a lovely man, please tell him how you feel.
As for the old friend messaging you, I appreciate that you need to feel loved and it is lovely to be told that you look nice/attractive but some people are better than others at that.
You have been together for a long time. To me, it sounds worth working at.
Take care OP

Hobbes8 · 30/11/2024 22:23

In what way is he “a lovely man”? He sounds quite lazy and gaslighty.

Hillrunning · 30/11/2024 22:21

Have you tried asking him of her is also unhappy?