Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Xmas eve boxes for children who aren't here on Xmas eve?!

185 replies

georgeballooney · 30/11/2024 19:22

I KNOW this is super early but we are away for 10 days from Monday and then I am working a lot until Christmas so today I have done a lot of my christmas shopping.

This included the contents of my DCs Christmas eve box PJs, hot chocolates, book, toy, sweets that sort of thing. She is 4.

Was putting this all in the box this evening and DH was asking why I haven't done one for DSC who are 15 & 12. I said because they aren't with us Christmas eve this year. He thinks this is unreasonable and I "would still do it if it were DD" whereas I think it's unnecessary if they aren't even going to be there (probably get one at mums).

I did them one last year when they were with us (that was the first year I'd done any at all).

So basically aibu to not do a Christmas eve box for children not even here on Christmas eve? They would be here but only until about 11am on 24th then with mum until boxing day.

And aibu (probably am) to tell him to make his own damn boxes if he wants to.

OP posts:
Woodstocks · 01/12/2024 06:30

I’m amazed nobody has mentioned the “mental load” yet but just assumed that OP should “just do it” and “what’s two more boxes if you are already doing one” like it doesn’t take effort to prepare something for a completely different age and interest group to her own child. At least some people saying the dad should do it if he’s that bothered

Woodstocks · 01/12/2024 06:28

Edingril · 01/12/2024 05:33

So when children are not around they miss out, would this work in reverse there has been times when an ops children have been treated differently and people say that is not fair

So i take it there are instances where whatever an op says is agreed on regardless?

But presents Christmas eve and again Christmas day is overkill, same with presents to go with advent calendars on 1st dec

Yes that’s one of the rules: step children always miss out even if they aren’t even there to notice anything. However it’s totally fine for them to be treated better and receive more than the other kids as we have seen. If they get nothing because they aren’t even there they miss out but if they get two boxes because mum makes one too then that’s only right because of their hard years of being in a separated family.

Edingril · 01/12/2024 05:33

So when children are not around they miss out, would this work in reverse there has been times when an ops children have been treated differently and people say that is not fair

So i take it there are instances where whatever an op says is agreed on regardless?

But presents Christmas eve and again Christmas day is overkill, same with presents to go with advent calendars on 1st dec

RosieLeaf · 01/12/2024 05:26

If he wants them to have one, he can’t sort it himself.

Eenameenadeeka · 01/12/2024 05:21

Sounds like he wants all of the children to receive the same, which I think it's nice. He can definitely organize though it's not all your job.

Bournetilly · 01/12/2024 01:09

Blondeshavemorefun · 01/12/2024 01:00

@Bournetilly my dd opens hers around lunchtime. Has colouring books /painting stuff in it so activities for the day

All cheap from home bargains

Just everyone is saying kods aren't there Xmas eve

They are in am. Just not Xmas eve evening

Thats true. I think as long as they give the box after 11am then it’s fine. I’m sure OP won’t give the box to her DD whilst SC are there.

Obviously if planning to give it when they are there then they get something too.

Blondeshavemorefun · 01/12/2024 01:00

@Bournetilly my dd opens hers around lunchtime. Has colouring books /painting stuff in it so activities for the day

All cheap from home bargains

Just everyone is saying kods aren't there Xmas eve

They are in am. Just not Xmas eve evening

Anxioustealady · 01/12/2024 00:41

Startinganew32 · 30/11/2024 22:51

Get her another sachet of hot chocolate then. Ffs. All these complex reasons why these older kids need to be left out.

Show quote history

All this aggro over £15, just so they can justify not doing something kind for stepchildren.

Bournetilly · 01/12/2024 00:40

Heartbreakanddamage · 01/12/2024 00:30

They are there til 11am on Christmas Eve so yes, they are there!

Show quote history

Christmas Eve boxes typically contain things to do on Christmas Eve evening (pyjamas, hot chocolate, reindeer food, bath bombs etc). They are not going to be there to use these things and their mum may have arranged this anyway seeing as she has them on Christmas Eve.

Blondeshavemorefun · 01/12/2024 00:40

Tech they are there on the 24th till 11/noon

So you could do them one esp as doing your dd one

When did you open them last year ?

If you did then last year for all I can get why dh thinks you will this year

Yellowbananasarebetterthangreen · 01/12/2024 00:38

OR just not do Christmas Eve boxes at all. They seem to now be an almost essential thing. Even though only a few years ago they werent a thing at all.

I adore Christmas but totally cba with all the instagram worthy extras (xmas eve boxes, that nasty elf, matching pjs, a new story book everyday through December........ Im sure there are more. Dont even start me on nonsense like crackers at Easter!)

shittestusernameever · 01/12/2024 00:34

@Lwrenn I'm from the northwest and we always got pjs and hot chocolate things on Christmas Eve, and a little book. Must be regional

I've always done my kids a first of December box. It's filled with Christmas crafts, cookie kits, advent calendar, Christmas socks and pjs.

Drivingoverlemons · 01/12/2024 00:32

twentysevendresses · 01/12/2024 00:18

But their own mother will want to have this job...can you not see this?? She is having 'her turn' to have them this year. OP and their dad had 'their turn' last year. It's not a case of the OP just being mean!

Show quote history

This is a very good point. I’d get him to check with her.

Anxioustealady · 01/12/2024 00:31

AwfulAmount · 30/11/2024 21:15

Could you give all the children their new pj's December 1st instead, or whenever you see them after that? Then they get a few weeks wear out of them.

Do you know what day it is and what time?

You can go buy them today (Sunday the 1st) and give them to them when they next see them? Next weekend is kind of the first weekend in December.

Don't be condescending to me when I'm trying to offer solutions so everyone's happy (tag me next time)

Drivingoverlemons · 01/12/2024 00:30

cgwmtl · 30/11/2024 20:02

If they aren't there it's a bit pointless because they are meant to be Christmas Eve boxes. If he wants to do something like that he can do it on another day and make that evening special for them. But the point is he can do it. He knows (or should know) what they like. He should be the one choosing things so they feel special and loved.

I'm feeling quite miserable today for various reasons and when that happens grief for my parents hits me hard. And this post has upset me. My Dad died 5 years ago. Once I left home my Dad occasionally made up boxes of treats and posted them (even when I lived abroad and it cost a lot to send). He absolutely loved doing it and that was his special thing he did for me. My Mam did different things but they both did things from time to time that were special. It wasn't just my Mam doing stuff (or in your case the stepmum).
What sort of Dad is he that he can't make up a Christmas Eve box for his children himself?

That is so lovely. I am going to steal your Dad’s idea for when my kids are adults. Mine died five years ago too. 💐

OP, tricky one, I would probably just do one because I know that kids can get upset about things you don’t expect. But it is another thing for your list so I’d be asking DH to do it for his kids.

Heartbreakanddamage · 01/12/2024 00:30

Bournetilly · 30/11/2024 19:37

YANBU. They aren’t there, if they were then they would have one like last year. If you give them on the 23rd then they aren’t Christmas Eve boxes and your DD would also have to have hers then or would wonder why she wasn’t getting one. Their mum probably has something planned anyway.

They are there til 11am on Christmas Eve so yes, they are there!

Onlyvisiting · 01/12/2024 00:24

Meh. My view is probably skewed by thinking wtf re Christmas eve boxes at all 😅.
BUT- are you responsible for buying their regular presents? If for some reason you have taken responsibility for sorting Christmas stuff for all the kids then yes, I would do the same for all. It's worth making extra effort with a split family to include everyone.
But why would you be solely responsible for presents for all the children? And if he is sorting their other gifts (and I think he should at least be taking the lead on it) then why can't he do his own boxes.

DianaRiggsCatsuit · 01/12/2024 00:22

@georgeballooney
If he wants the DSC to have Xmas Eve boxes then he should buy and organise it, not you. He is their Dad. He's got a cheek.

twentysevendresses · 01/12/2024 00:18

This reply has been deleted

This message has been withdrawn at the poster's request

But their own mother will want to have this job...can you not see this?? She is having 'her turn' to have them this year. OP and their dad had 'their turn' last year. It's not a case of the OP just being mean!

Wendysfriend · 01/12/2024 00:15

I don't really get these Christmas eve boxes but I do think that if you do one for one you do one for all.

I get they're his children but surely they are part of your family, I would absolutely die if my children had a stepmother who excluded them, yes he can make them if he wants but if you are already filling a box what's 2 more.

I really don't understand the thinking on here regarding stepchildren, it's always, well they're his kids, they're not my kids, but I could guarantee if your husband left you and remarried and they didn't bother to include your child you'd be upset.

They're with you until 11am you could give them it just before they leave, if their own mam has done a box, great, they have 2. Poor kids they have to go through marriage breakups and all that goes with it, then having 2 homes, then step siblings arrive and they don't even get a lousy Christmas eve box.

Mumof2girls2121 · 01/12/2024 00:01

We do December 1st boxes, get more use out of the stuff in it

seagulldown · 30/11/2024 23:56

I have my kids this year for Christmas Eve. No idea if their Dad/stepmum do Christmas Eve boxes for their other children, but if they do I wouldn't expect them to give them to mine if they aren't there. I don't think they are a big deal.

I imagine the sort of things in the box would be given another time anyway, perhaps just wrapped as a present on Christmas Day (PJs and chocolate)

Printedword · 30/11/2024 23:44

So your DC is too young to realise Christmas Eve boxes have become a thing and the other kids are not there on Christmas Eve and too old to need this ridiculous extra set of presents/weird imported idea that wasn’t a thing when my DC (now 19) was of appropriate age. It’s like the Elf on the Shelf, ie something one only does if forced into it by every other kid in infants end of primary.

Flumoxed · 30/11/2024 23:37

AffIt · 30/11/2024 19:37

Given that they're going to be with their mother, is that not stepping on her toes a bit?

If they have done them in the past, presumably she'll have something organised. If not, it does look like a bit of an imposition.

(And yes, they are a bit old tbh.)

Yes, totally agree!

Duckyfondant · 30/11/2024 23:33

All those expecting OP to make all the kids boxes so they don't miss out are forgetting that it can also be really shit knowing that your actual parent got his wife/girlfriend to sort you something special because they couldn't be arsed..