To question how other parents make it look

This is me most weekends. Feeling like I should be doing more with my kids but only having the energy to take them to swim and dance lessons, get the clothes ironed and washed for the next week, tidy the house all ready for another week of work and school. Social media has so much to answer for. No I'm not wreath making this weekend at a ridiculous cost. No, I'm not at a Christmas market drinking overly expensive hot wine....bleurgh. No I'm not in a posh garden centre buying matching fookin baubles and six foot bloody reindeers. No, I'm not making a Hansel and Gretl style Christmas house with the kids. No, I'm not because I have a nine year old with autism who can only manage one weekend day of activity every other weekend. We learnt the hard way and tried to do too much. We don't now. If everyone put on social media what they really do each and every day, it'd make people like me feel a whole lot better about my life.

That's obviously not what the pp was saying though.

You went to get the decorations and said you would all do the tree. Then actually didn't do the tree because you decided it would be game time first. He wasn't focused on the game because he's still thinking about the tree. Now you don't want to do the tree... Why not put a film on for the kids to chill to while you do the fiddly bits then you step back a bit and they put the decorations on? Then play the game after?

As for you tube etc well, no one is forcing you to let them watch that really. I'm not saying zero screens by any means but if you think you tube/tablets whatever is making your kids entitled then don't put it on for them?

THIS
Parenting is exhausting!!!! Trips to the shops are frequently fraught

There is too much made of all the Christmas things these days. It's too much for kids.

Kids don't like being dragged around shops with their parents but Instagram have told us taking them to a Christmas Market and having hot chocolate is a Christmas must do, so we do it, no one enjoys it, we feel like a failure.

Putting up the tree is actually a bit boring but Instagram tells us we should do it while wearing our Christmas jumpers, drinking mulled wine and watching Christmas films while eating the cookies we made by hand earlier. Everyone gets stressed, no one enjoys it, we feel like a failure.

And so on and so on.

PS if you do consider asking your GP for a private referral I’d be happy to share more of our expeience, private consultant and costs. Good luck OP. Tomorrow is another day. X

You sense your child is ND, you think ADHD. You will be correct on that. Mum's instincts trump everything. Your feelings and words resonate with me and will many parents with ND children.

Children mask in school or don't fit the stereotype in the eyes of the school staff. Schools also lie and gaslight because this will cost them time and energy to pursue, make them accountable and sadly they have little resources given to them to support ND kids.

All requests for NHS assesments were denied for us. We just went private in the end. The SENCO provided zero supporting information. ( My child has multiple ND conditions which are obvious!)

You will be best pursuing a private assessment. It's going to cost money which might be really difficult. You'll lose your mind going to the school again for validation trust me. They'll just make you doubt yourself. As a complete stranger on the internet I'm telling you you're correct. Mum's always know. You know.

The tree is effectively a whole day activity. If you’re doing the tree, that’s all he’s going to want to focus on; traipsing round the shops and playing a game sounds frustrating to me, and I’m not 7 years old. FWIW I wouldn’t expect my two to happily traipse round the shops and then focus on a game before doing the promised thing they were looking forward to, and mine are fairly easy children 8 and 11. Whilst they wouldn’t kick off as such, they’d definitely find it boring.

I work in a school and honestly if your child is showing zero signs of ADHD in school, you’re on a hiding to nothing unless you go private, as the assessment will look at behaviour both at home and at school.

I wouldn’t say this generation are any more entitled than previous ones if you teach them to have reasonable expectations.

Young children live in the moment. I think you very rarely have perfect days with them as they can't carry over all the nice things you do earlier in the day to later in the day - they're not wired like that. So instead of perfect days, I find it more helpful to think in terms of good moments. And quite often the whining or the tantrums come after we've made a big effort for them to do something special or it's been a big occasion like a birthday or Christmas, because not only can the big fun events be stressful because they're out of routine, but transitioning back to the everyday monotony from them is quite stressful too.

I think you were onto a losing wicket expecting an excited child to settle down to something requiring concentration like a board game. If you really needed a breather, you might have done better to stick the TV on.

Lesson learned for next year. If you're doing the tree you have to do it first thing of the day, they're not going to want to sit nicely and play a game first. We have an artificial tree, I get it out the night before and fluff up the branches in my own good time ready for chaos the next day. Also why put the tree up so soon? I know so many people opt for Dec 1st these days but way to much pressure. Also kids can't also be happy all the time, we all have sulky can't be arsed days kids included

Yeah I think you're expecting way too much of him. Was the 9yo easy at the same age in comparison? I think that's your problem. If you'd have had the other one first you'd realise what a lucky aberration your 9yo was!

It sounds very boring to be honest. At 7 he should be off running around the playground and climbing trees, scooting around daily. Not sitting trying to play a board game and having to hold in his excitement to do the tree..!!!

Hm nope just treat him like the 6 year old he is and understand he doesn't have the self control of an adult and he's allowed to be excited about something exciting to him that you can't be arsed to do!

Do some research into the developmental stages of children and work out what your child needs from you

He was thinking about doing the tree and wanted to do the tree and then you got the game out to play and expected him to concentrate on it. He is 6yrs old and he probably isn’t developmentally at the stage where he can concentrate on one activity while he is excited about something else. It is a bit like expecting a baby to start walking before they are ready. They do it when they reach that stage and that stage varies from baby to baby. A lot of children get overstimulated on trips out unless it is the same formula each time. Routine is the key to a peaceful life.

Was all this in one day? If so I feel like you're expecting too much and making things overly difficult.

Your childs only 7 and wants to do the xmas tree but you have messages to do and shops to go to and then wsnt to play a new board game that you need to explain. Meanwhile, he is expected to keep all the excitement in, sit still, concentrate and listen. It's too much, I'm getting tired just listening to all of that, most of it does sound so boring.

Boys just are not wired that way and although its generalizing there is a difference between boys and girls. Theres a difference between all children but I've found the more relaxed the parents, the more relaxed the child.

Essentially you do need to make allowances and work round him a bit more, hes 7. Pick your battles.

We're suspecting PDA as well, waiting for the formal assessment.

Life is better than it was but it was definitely us that made the changes. We homeschool because he wasn't coping, solid routine, involve him in planning things even if it's to choose from 2 options that we have pre-approved.

We just had to accept that he works the way he works and go with that. Life is much better now but there are still moments when I just feel battered by all of it.

I remember a mum at school with twin boys in my son's class. They were a nightmare. If there was trouble either one or the other or both were behind it. When they came to our house for a birthday party with an entertainer even he had to tell them off. I overheard her talking in the playground. She was a lovely woman and I always thought maybe overwhelmed, but she said: 'I have two other kids who are perfectly well behaved. It's not me.'
And she's right - of course lax parenting can lead to a wayward kid but often it's how they are wired. Raise three kids the exact same way and you will not have three identical kids.
You just try your best, however disheartening it can be.
And you must know that the lucky family with well behaved children at some restaurant may well be in total chaos when it comes to bed time.
I must say it's only when I became a parent at the age of 41 that I finally appreciated what my mother must have gone through. She worked too. But three of us, the cloth nappies, no washing machine or dishwasher! No online grocery deliveries (even for me I can't believe the amount of wasted hours trudging around the supermarket with two alternatively cranky or overexcited kids). It must have been so much drudgery

you are his parent - you know him best and lots of kids mask effectively at school.

do I feel guilty about medication? 1000% no. My daughter is succeeding in school. She feels
understood and supported. She has friends. She has been able to achieve a black belt on martial arts. Her self esteem as a result has rocketed and she has a level of self awareness from the diagnostic process that helps her understand herself. The medication allows her brain to regulate itself. I would no more deny her that than deny a diabetic child insulin.

it’s a journey to explore and understand a neurodiverse brain. My daughter is intelligent, clever, funny and affectionate with or without medication.

My DC are grown up now but I had 2 DC who were ADHD. We waited until they were in bed on a Saturday then DH went and got a tree from homebase, and put the lights on it and then they could decorate it the next morning. When they went to bed Sunday night we'd reshuffle it a bit if necessary so it was balanced and not all baubles of the same colour in one area. I found it was just too hard taking them both to get a tree. I used to worry they'd grab at and break the baubles in the shop.

My kids were always pretty easy, they are teens now and still are. Ds is autistic but has always been quiet and follows the rules. Dd has always been a very easy going happy kid.

I'm laid back too though so if the kids wanted to do the tree we would just do the tree. A 'nice weekend' is doing was doing what the kids wanted to do not doing things for the sake of them because they should be fun if you know what I mean? Our home was always very child led so if they wanted to play games we would but if they'd rather put up the tree than what is the point in forcing people to play games and do other stuff first? You can't force people to have fun or enjoy certain activities.

@WasThatACorner so what did you do with DC3? Did it ever get to a point where it was enjoyable and night just a fight all the time?

I am suspecting PDA in mine but she is only 4. She’s not “just a 4 yo” tho. She is just so difficult every day life is miserable and we/ she can barely function.

before anyone asks , yes I’ve read “how to talk so little kids will listen”.

i think that’s the other thing isn’t it, when you moan about, everyone just says really stupid basic shit like “have you tried offering choices?” Like yes fuck off NOTHING WORKS.

I hear you OP. Our youngest is now diagnosed with ADHD and medicated. Yesterday, she was poorly at home and talked at me for 4 hours without stopping between 4pm and 8pm.She followed me around the house doing it. 🤯

At 7, unmedicated she was exactly as you describe with your son. We gave up on most days out (unless very active/climbing trees) and I learned never to take her shopping (she used to run across roads with no warning) or on errands. Baking/cooking at home ended in the kitchen being destroyed. We don’t play board games unless they are very simple as instructions get ignored. It just gets too stressful.

My advice would be work out what works for you and stick to it. If you seriously think your DS is neurodiverse, pursue this with GP.

I am beginning to loathe winter family time. My 3 bicker and argue over the teeniest non thing, or else they decide to "play" but it's ends up with wild screaming and running around the house (but take them to the the fucking park and they have to be actively forced to go and run around!). It's a constant barrage of them wanting something from me. They cannot go 5 minutes without some kind of intervention being needed. They make a mess, they complain of being bored.

I made the mistake of letting the older two play Fifa earlier. 10 minutes they argued and shouted and they were on the same fucking team. So the console is banned.

Thankfully 2 out of 3 of them are going to a party soon and I'm going to sit and drink tea whilst they are someone else's problem for an hour or so (it's an activity party so I know I'm going to get an hour!!)

Mine are better out of the house but they are too young to do anything by themselves so anything we do out of the house involves me. DP works most weekends and I'm quite jealous.

Makes me want to bin the tree and decorations which I've dragged down from the loft to put up tomorrow.

Edited to add mine is definitely a numbers game. Individually they are delightful. Even taking one out of the mix (and it doesn't matter which child it is!!) makes life a lot easier.

I 'make it look easy' ~ because I got luck of the draw and, at this stage, I have a very laid back, well behaved child - so it IS easy. I can tell you now, it's not my parenting, and it's not my genes - I always feel like a fraud when someone compliments my parenting or his behaviour, because it's not me 😂

If it was more challenging, I'd be tearing my hair out. I already struggle when DS has more boisterous friends over for a play date! I have upmost respect for parents I see out and juggling multiple kids who are energetic/dashing around, because in that situation Im not sure I'd actually take them out for many fun things at all!