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AIBU?

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Original poster

to say no more DC - occasional verbal abuse from DH

182 replies

climbelon · 30/11/2024 13:43

DH and I have 1 DS, age 2. There have been around 10 instances of verbal abuse since DS was born. (Thank you to a poster on a thread a few days ago who linked to a free PDF of Why Does He Do That - I am less than halfway through and already it has been very enlightening.)

There is no physical violence and I do not feel afraid or like I am walking on eggshells.

DH agreed (my idea) would pursue counselling after the last instance. The conversation in which this was agreed felt like a step forward to change. He had various reasons not to pursue free avenues and was too overwhelmed with choice of private practitioners to choose.
I told my friend that he was going to try counselling (not about the abuse). He was upset I shared this and as a result said he will no longer go to counselling. I waited it out as he often says things he doesn't mean when he's angry. Nothing further was mentioned.

A few weeks later I came to the conclusion that we should not have another child while I don't know that this abuse won't continue and/or escalate over time. While I love the idea of DS having a sibling, and I have leaned on my own siblings for support and validation managing the relationship with our abusive DM, it does not feel fair to have another DC, on me or the potential DC, and I guess would make it harder to leave if it comes to this.

The evening of this realisation, DH could see something was wrong. I told him I was upset he wasn't pursuing counselling and that it doesn't feel he is taking how he has spoken to me seriously. He minimised it, saying it's not a big deal, it only happened 3 or 4 times when he was stressed at work. (It has been more like 10 and the first time was while he was on pat leave.)

I also said that I don't think it's a good idea to have another DC. He said he doesn't want one anyway and called me manipulative for saying I wouldn't have another DC unless he gets counselling (which is not what I said). He went to sleep in the spare room as he was 'stressed' and we haven't spoken about it since.

Outside of these incidents, DH is a wonderful husband and father and speaks to me respectfully, if critically at times. However I cannot overlook the 0.1% of the time he is verbally abusive, nor his minimisation or 'are you STILL upset' when I'm not over it.

AIBU to rule out more children?

OP posts:
Original poster
climbelon · 01/12/2024 11:39

Gameofmoans81 · 30/11/2024 19:37

My husband is 99.8% lovely but about 4 times in our relationship he has really really shouted at me and said awful things. The last time was when we were trying to conceive for a second time and I went back on the pill the next day. We’re a couple of years since then and in a good phase but no way will I have another child with him

Sorry to read that and well done for quick decision making! Luckily I already had had the coil fitted as we would have waited at least another year to start trying.
So hard when it's such a minority of the time - for me it means it is easy to doubt myself about my reactions and question whether he's right about me being too sensitive. I hope you find the resolution you need and would recommend the book linked above if you haven't already.

OP posts:
bombastix · 01/12/2024 11:28

Get out

Original poster
climbelon · 01/12/2024 11:26

Noseybookworm · 30/11/2024 17:56

I definitely wouldn't be thinking about more children while the relationship is in trouble, which it clearly is. You say he's normally respectful if critical, how is he critical? The fact that he is verbally abusive and then minimises it and tries to blame you for not 'getting over it' is a huge red flag. It doesn't sound like he's even sorry.

If he's not willing to go to counselling, I don't see how you can carry on in this relationship to be honest. You deserve better and so does your little one.

Thank you. Critical about lots of little things. Doing laundry too much. Putting machine on when he's in the house which is too noisy. Leaving crumbs on the worktop. Wearing stripy clothes. I shouldn't be excited about a hotel spa break because as we are visiting his family there will be no time to use the facilities. Adjusting furniture in DS' room. During an argument, being 'obsessed' with my hobby (go out 3x a week for it when I can before he gets ready for work).

OP posts:
Wrinkleyoldbag · 01/12/2024 11:23

If at all possible, hold off on the mortgage, let it go to a variable rate (even if it costs more in the short term) to not get tied into something you will regret. It could buy you some time to think things through. X

Original poster
climbelon · 01/12/2024 11:20

@Olinguita highly recommend this if you haven't already read it

freebooksmania.com/2021/01/why-does-he-do-that-pdf-free-download-by-lundy-bancroft.html

OP posts:
Pussycat22 · 01/12/2024 11:20

MissChanandlerBongg , spot on.

Original poster
climbelon · 01/12/2024 11:16

Wrinkleyoldbag · 01/12/2024 10:54

He’s more than ‘verbally abusing’, he’s emotionally manipulating you.
That fact this has escalated after your child was born and you’ve ‘dared’ to have an opinion which doesn’t align with his is very telling.
I’m sorry but this will get worse. Get out now.
I hope you have supportive family/friends who can help.

Edited

Yes. My reaction to this is to defend him, I have his excuses in my head. Need to tune into my own voice.

Family support is a little difficult as I am in the process of extricating myself from abusive mother (history of physical and emotional abuse) which complicates relationships with other family members and means I don't want to open up about them. DH is protective over what I share outside of our relationship as it's private. I am now realising why. Thinking about opening up to a certain colleague who I am sure will be supportive.

Luckily I have savings so could afford accommodation for a few months if I left quickly. However a significant percentage of my savings will be going into the mortgage early next year, which will leave me with about 5k in the bank. I know logically that I should not go ahead with a shared remortgage. But I cannot compute that I will act this quickly if that makes any sense. And I don't want to compromise the security of having a house when there is a housing crisis and I have seen people in this situation living in temporary accommodation for many many months.

This has turned into a bit of a ramble! It's the first time I have processed this outside of my own head. I used to write to reflect and after an argument fairly early on I shared this with DH who called it my 'crazy writing' and I haven't done it since. Need to start again!

OP posts:
Ponoka7 · 01/12/2024 11:14

climbelon · 01/12/2024 10:50

I feel I need it to get worse to justify leaving. Logically I know it is likely to escalate but I can't really make myself believe it.

@ginasevern Some examples of what had been said:

  • 'you're not looking after DS, you do nothing all day, you only have one thing to remember' when I'd forgotten to give DS his vitamins for a few weeks
  • 'I've had enough of your shit, I'm done, I dont want to be in this relationship anymore' several times and once when I was going out told me that him and DS won't be here when I get home and I'll never see them again
  • last time we were arguing about something he said 'I'm done with your shit, I'm done with work's shit, I'm going to go and kill myself'. He cried afterwards and we had a seemingly very productive chat later which concluded with the counselling decision

He's told me he doesn't need counselling, thinks they're all scammers, and that he had been reading things online to help himself, control his anger. I was happy with this and to wait and see, until he minimised and accused me of manipulating. I have since noticed how critical he is on a daily basis, often with a laugh afterwards as if it's a joke.

@Gymnopedie pre-DS I would go along with his opinions and be easily swayed but have had more boundaries and disagreed with him about more since becoming a mother. I think it may have presented itself earlier had I been stronger.

Go and read the thread about the OP being severely verbally abused by her 12 year old and he questioned why it isn't ok because she takes it from his Dad. Hearing your Mother criticised destroys self esteem in girls and makes boys loathe women. When your son develops anger issues, at least be honest with his teachers.

Original poster
climbelon · 01/12/2024 11:06

Olinguita · 01/12/2024 10:45

I admire your boundaried approach, OP.
This needs to be sorted out before you contemplate having another child.
I'm actually in a similar position to you and have a DH who blows up and says awful things and gets into terrible moods (despite being lovely much of the time) and I just can't face the physical, emotional and financial vulnerability of pregnancy and post-partum again with someone who behaves like that. Wishing you all the best whatever you decide. You sound very level headed.

So sorry that you are in a similar position.
I hope that you have the support you need. If not IRL, mumsnet is amazing!

OP posts:
bombastix · 01/12/2024 11:02

Beware men that cry and make you feel sorry for them after they are cruel to you. It’s the definition of emotional cruelty and it will mess you up if you stay.

bombastix · 01/12/2024 11:00

You need to not to have any more children with this man. And you want to think about the future because the moment you said he had threatened to kill himself is the moment he’s told you he will say or pretty much do anything to get you in line, boundaries or not.

He’s going to work you over on those boundaries until you “change”.

I would make plans to leave.

Wrinkleyoldbag · 01/12/2024 10:54

He’s more than ‘verbally abusing’, he’s emotionally manipulating you.
That fact this has escalated after your child was born and you’ve ‘dared’ to have an opinion which doesn’t align with his is very telling.
I’m sorry but this will get worse. Get out now.
I hope you have supportive family/friends who can help.

EnjoyingTheSilence · 01/12/2024 10:53

Hopefully this will make him take you seriously and he’ll realise he has to make some changes

blackerfriday · 01/12/2024 10:50

MissChanandlerBongg · 30/11/2024 13:47

“DH is a wonderful husband and father”

No, he’s not. I’m sorry but you’re minimising too. You’re absolutely right not to have another child with him, but really you should try to think about leaving.

Nailed it.

Original poster
climbelon · 01/12/2024 10:50

I feel I need it to get worse to justify leaving. Logically I know it is likely to escalate but I can't really make myself believe it.

@ginasevern Some examples of what had been said:

  • 'you're not looking after DS, you do nothing all day, you only have one thing to remember' when I'd forgotten to give DS his vitamins for a few weeks
  • 'I've had enough of your shit, I'm done, I dont want to be in this relationship anymore' several times and once when I was going out told me that him and DS won't be here when I get home and I'll never see them again
  • last time we were arguing about something he said 'I'm done with your shit, I'm done with work's shit, I'm going to go and kill myself'. He cried afterwards and we had a seemingly very productive chat later which concluded with the counselling decision

He's told me he doesn't need counselling, thinks they're all scammers, and that he had been reading things online to help himself, control his anger. I was happy with this and to wait and see, until he minimised and accused me of manipulating. I have since noticed how critical he is on a daily basis, often with a laugh afterwards as if it's a joke.

@Gymnopedie pre-DS I would go along with his opinions and be easily swayed but have had more boundaries and disagreed with him about more since becoming a mother. I think it may have presented itself earlier had I been stronger.

OP posts:
Olinguita · 01/12/2024 10:45

I admire your boundaried approach, OP.
This needs to be sorted out before you contemplate having another child.
I'm actually in a similar position to you and have a DH who blows up and says awful things and gets into terrible moods (despite being lovely much of the time) and I just can't face the physical, emotional and financial vulnerability of pregnancy and post-partum again with someone who behaves like that. Wishing you all the best whatever you decide. You sound very level headed.

Original poster
climbelon · 01/12/2024 10:36

Thank you for all your responses. I am quite emotional reading them all and it has given me a lot to think about. I have read similar comments on other posts and never thought it would apply to me.

@AmusedMaker he does not shout. He does swear, and maintains that swearing is normal in an argument. Which I can understand, if it was a healthy argument. He is coming downstairs I will answer the rest later

OP posts:
ttcat37 · 30/11/2024 20:14

He said he doesn't want one anyway and called me manipulative for saying I wouldn't have another DC unless he gets counselling (which is not what I said).

That is not manipulative, it’s having boundaries. Unless he proves that he is willing to put the work in to be a better person then why would you want to reproduce with him again?

Outside of these incidents, DH is a wonderful husband

Is he? Because he sounds like a right twat.

usererror99 · 30/11/2024 20:02

Depends on what you consider "verbal abuse" I suppose - there was a recent thread by a poster who said her husband was abusive because he called her a "clown"
It's very subjective.

Cherrysoup · 30/11/2024 19:50

Gymnopedie · 30/11/2024 18:54

Abuse very often starts when the woman is pregnant or just after she's given birth, when she's vulnerable.

This is straight out of the abusers' handbook. He can't be nasty all the time or you'd be in no doubt that you should leave him. So in between he keeps things nice. Then he minimises what he's doing, and as time goes on it will be more and more abuse and shorter periods of niceness in between.

You're right not to have another child with him. And you need to have a good think about which is the real him. The nice husband and father or the abuser?

Edited

Please keep re-reading this, OP. The amount of times I’ve seen posters writing pretty much what you have then coming back months or years later to say it escalated is ridiculous. It’s absolutely unacceptable.

StrawberryWater · 30/11/2024 19:46

Oh get rid of him. He's not going to change because he's not willing to.

My dh was verbally abusive but went to counselling on his own volition when he realised I was serious about leaving. Not a single bad word said since.

Men have to want to change. Yours doesn't.

User37482 · 30/11/2024 19:43

My husband shouted at me once, really had a go in public (no swearing) after DD was born. He booked himself into anger management therapy that week without my suggestion. If someone is really willing to work on it they will work on it. He’s avoiding taking responsibility for it. I wouldn’t trust that it will get better if he is minimising it. None of us are perfect but when we do something fucked up we should be able to own it.

OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevon · 30/11/2024 19:40

Do not even think about bringing another child into this relationship.

Gameofmoans81 · 30/11/2024 19:37

My husband is 99.8% lovely but about 4 times in our relationship he has really really shouted at me and said awful things. The last time was when we were trying to conceive for a second time and I went back on the pill the next day. We’re a couple of years since then and in a good phase but no way will I have another child with him

Gymnopedie · 30/11/2024 18:54

Abuse very often starts when the woman is pregnant or just after she's given birth, when she's vulnerable.

This is straight out of the abusers' handbook. He can't be nasty all the time or you'd be in no doubt that you should leave him. So in between he keeps things nice. Then he minimises what he's doing, and as time goes on it will be more and more abuse and shorter periods of niceness in between.

You're right not to have another child with him. And you need to have a good think about which is the real him. The nice husband and father or the abuser?

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