to say no more DC - occasional verbal abuse from DH

I'm glad you're in a place of safety and have your sister's support.

His abusiveness becoming more and more obvious is helpful in that it enables you to feel anger and determination instead of doubt and guilt, but it must be horrible for you to watch your marriage unravel, and I really feel for you.

I can't add to the good advice you've had from pp but I'm thinking of you.

I am pleased / relieved that you will not be alone when you return to the home to collect stuff.

So he is not that bothered about seeing his child, as daytime is obiv best for child not the evening when it's bathtime/bedtime etc.

Be prepared for him to be there anyway, despite saying he won't be.
and be prepared for crying or anger or both, manipulation, following you around when you try to get things, not allowing yo to have certain items.

I hope you have a strong sister who won't take any bullshit.

I texted him I am stating with my sister and all bring DS in the morning for him to see. He replied he plans to go to the office tomorrow so evening would be better.

So the moment you offer to do something he wanted, but not 100% on his terms, it’s not as urgent as he made it sound. He can wfh because he messed around until late, but he can’t to see his son. He can’t wfh so as to stay with his family, but he can wfh to allow him to wake you up and harangue you.

We share a car. It is in my name. I couldn't find the log book when I last looked (my own disorganisation as everything else is kept together)

I wouldn’t be so quick to blame yourself for the log book going missing. You can get a replacement from the DVLA but it will cost, unless it’s when you tell them your new address. Could you start that process now? Stay at your sister’s? Otherwise any fines or points will be logged to your name and it wouldn’t surprise me if they started to arrive. I hope he hasn’t sent in the new keeper slips to steal your car from you.

while you are at the house, please gather up important documents:
passport and birth certificates (yours and DS)
marriage certificate
financial documents and statements
anything allowing access if they have information contained in that paper. Stuff like your unique taxpayer reference number.

Good luck. The anger is good and useful, but it might be nice if you can do something physical to move it through and out of your body- boxing is ideal, but bashing a stick on the ground works too.

This is the start of the campaign to simultaneously

• get people thinking you are out of your kind/mentally ill/toxic/abusive
• position himself as the victim

Does your sister know ehat is going on?.

You’re doing the right things @climbelon

Of course. Nothing wrong with him. All wrong with you.

Yes, this..

the usual legal (ish) advice is to stay in the house to make it easier to retain your claim on it, BUT in an abusive situation, forget it, just get to safety and sort the details later.

like any life threatening situation (fire, flood etc) you just get you and your child out.

you are fleeing abuse. And,this is the most dangerous time.

What did for the end of my marriage was what h said to me. Don't under estimate the power and danger of verbal interactions. Don't let him tell you how you feel. How to feel.

I have just rtft and oh my goodness, you've been through it the last couple of weeks.

You have some great advice from PP and we're here to listen and support you.

Sending you love and strength ❤️

He was constantly waking you to abuse you.
It was a safety issue so you had to flee the house.
Language is important.

You have fled the house because of his abusive behaviour.

Tell your sister everything.

Thank goodness, that should mean you and baby are safe for tonight.

The priority has to be to stay safe though, no? And if being safe at home can only be achieved by keeping him out (which would have to involve the police since it's his home too) or having someone there with OP and her DS at all times, then that would not only be stressful in itself but might also add fuel to whatever stories the DH is spinning about how OP is unstable/losing it and a danger to their DS.

But I admit I'm not up to speed on the legal aspects.

I often come in for criticism on MN because I have quite a high bar for verbal abuse vs bouts of bad temper. My parents had a marriage characterised by DV so my perception is probably skewed. But FWIW…

Swearing I can live with. I think it is relatively normal to swear in an argument IRL. Obviously on MN nobody ever swears and nor do their DH.

What is intolerable and overtly abusive is the threat of divorce and kidnapping your child. The extreme and calculated nature of this threat is designed to bring you to heel. He using a ‘weakness’ (your love for you child) to control you. That is a very uncomfortable dynamic from the man who is supposed to support and nurture the both of you.

My view is stay in the house because it saves you the upheaval and stress. He probably aims to drive you out of it.

Don't listen to me if other people have more knowledgeable opinions, but personally I wouldn't worry about staying in the house, whereas I really would worry about safeguarding yourself and your DS, as your DH sounds capable of erratic behaviour to me. To me, the house is a marital asset and who gets to own it, live in it or benefit from the sale of it after a split is all something that can be thrashed out later, through solicitors and/or with the help of the police if necessary. In your shoes, I would be thinking more of protecting myself and DS physically and mentally.

Phoning your sister like that is shockingly manipulative. It helps in a way that his mask has really slipped fast, as you'll remember this kind of thing when you have low points and question whether you made the right decision. It's also stupidly arrogant - did he think she wouldn't mention it to you? I hope she can be an ally to you and hopefully shield you from him to some extent. I know sibling dynamics can be difficult when there's been a narcissistic parent.

Yes he will say he is “concerned for you”. Assume he is visiting friends and family, presenting your situation as if you are mentally ill and won’t let him have the children, and he’s worried.

He is lying his arse off and you need friends right now

Get a lock for the door of the room that you and DS sleep in, or at the very least a wedge to delay him getting in. Have your phone charged and beside you at night. I'm sorry to say OP, but the chances of him escalating are really high as he realises you are no longer under his control.

Having read your update from the middle of the night and now, there is a knot in my stomach.

He is ramping up his manipulation !

It's a brilliant time to get into your head by waking you at night, this was a calculated move on his part.
then the phone call / crying / yes i will move out then come back !!! now he is refusing to leave.

any tears etc from him are put on, just for affect - to control and manipulate you.

KEEP your child very very very near to you !!!

Has he not gone to work today ?

I think the minute he does eventually leave the house you need to get an emergency bag ready - birth certificates/passports, bank details etc. clothing/nappies/toiletries medicines ? favourite teddy etc. buggy
anything and everything you would need for a couple of days or so.

do you drive/have your own car ? if so make sure you have both sets of keys and of course the paperwork re the car i.e. ownership/insurance

Woman's Aid can advise on emergency housing, so can domestic violence charities in your area if there is any ?

and

you can turn up at the housing department of your local authority ( there is a 24 hour service but it works ' better ' during the working day )
or any local authority !
and say you are escaping domestic abuse - his actions/behaviour/talking is abuse and they will find you somewhere safe - it may be very short term until they place you somewhere ' better ' / more suitable

but they can and will find you somewhere for right now.

Stay strong, stay strong, stay strong.

Do ring the advice line rightsofwomen, they’re qualified and can give good legal advice. And women’s aid as well.

you are doing really well.

Remember to tell 101, GP, DV services about him waking you constantly during the night, refusing to leave the seperate bedroom you moved in to, refusing to allow you to sleep, badgering you that you are wrong to want to end the marriage.

This is a huge abusive tactic to deny you sleep to confuse you, and grind you down.

Please tell them everything.