to say no more DC - occasional verbal abuse from DH

Try not to engagexwith him.
He needs to talk to his family etc
Arrange for him to see ds in public place If you really think is necessary (frankly keeping away for a week would be best )
He will
Be nice
Cry
Be angry
Say he will kill himself

All of those
Might keep ds from you
Might be violent to you or objects

Assume he will do the worst and prep your strategy I e 999 And always have third party present if you speak to him

Yes, I wouldn't stay in the house alone. It's a worry that he has your car but if he really is going to his sister's it will at least give you time to remove more belongings and essentials from the house.

Maybe you should ring his sister and tell her he's coming and you're worried because he's suicidal and you think he has pnd-for-men. (Not serious, obviously.) I would seriously question whether he actually is going to his sister's though. More likely imo that he's planning to stay near at hand and either observe you or ambush you.

Just a thought OP, but if you do want to move back in, could you install some locking door chains, that would stop him coming in without you being aware of his presence, AND enable you to be in your own home, which would presumably be easier for you and your baby? It's very reassuring to hear that your sister is so supportive.

Are you still going to be staying at your sister's? Or are you now going to be staying at home as he's going away? If the latter and he knows that, then he WILL turn up to get you alone.

Agree with pp, he is following the narcissist/abusive script. Do find your car’s logbook and take it with you. I’m so glad your sister is there because 99% I bet he would take your son away with him. It’s all about his supply of your attention. Stay strong, watch him follow the same script. If you’re married I don’t think it will matter so much which of you stays in the house, because eventually it will have to be split as an asset and arguably you’ll be safer at your sister’s as he has no right of entry (nor the means to get in).

Good luck, you’re doing so well in such challenging circumstances!

@climbelon You are in a very difficult situation here. People are going to tell you he's doing all of this on purpose and it makes him a Very Bad Man. But then, you're going to see the hurt and tears in his eyes and it's going to be very confusing for you. @OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevon had it 100% right when she predicted what he was going to do - so I wasn't at all surprised to see that yes, that's what he did.

Here is what I believe is happening with men like this. The behaviour is in line with covert narcissism (whether or not he is one, I couldn't say. Just these behaviours). The key, I have found, for starting to be able to manage it is to understand that at their core, their thinking is disordered. So you can be rational and calm, you can explain things in simple language.... and it will not get through because the basic assumptions that you, and people with healthy normal thought patterns, operate under, will NOT be there for him.

Concrete examples: he can send you vile texts messages threatening you, telling you how awful you are, how awful things are... and then a few hours later your head will spn as he sends you something kind, normal, loving.

This morning was another classic - "no, you can't come in the morning as I am working, it must be evening" and then he's there anyway. He doesn't see this as him being inconsistent. If anything, he will blame you, "well, you told me that you were bringing him in the morning so what was I supposed to do."

Taking your car - again, this is completely normal and standard behaviour and he's not doing it on purpose. He thinks its his RIGHT. You are causing HIM difficulties, so of course he will take the car.

People talk a lot about lack of empathy. The best way I can describe this lack of empathy in people like this is to say that they can ONLY centre themselves. So, for example, some terrible event will happen and they are upset about it... because of how it makes them feel. They are angry because you are telling them they can't do something... so they will do whatever they have to do to make their lives eaier or better, with zero ability to reflect or consider a) why you are doing/saying what you are or b) how their reactions are making things worse.

I was supposed to be working but have just typed up this very long email because I am worried for you. Please, if nothing else, listen to me when I say that attempting to ascribe rational reasoning to any of his actions is a mistake. He is not intrinsically bad or good and if you try to see him as either, you will find this impossible to navigate.

Good luck today.

This is pure manipulation because he will be creating situations where he thinks you will be by yourself. He is very keen you are thinking about him all the time. Don’t expect this behaviour to change and expect him to have excuses all the time for not quite doing what he told you he would. It’s an unsubtle fuck you

with him sprouting this rubbish about staying elsewhere - does this mean he is moving out and allowing you to stay in the home ?

as I suspect he will be back home on Monday then !

I said he would be there.

He is taking YOUR car.

Your sister stays !

He needs to concentrate on playing with his child, and maybe changing a nappy.

so he has taken time off work for your visit or is he working from home again.

He wants access to you directly. And btw if you think he won’t manipulate your child or childcare you are wrong. It’s already started.

He wants you on your own. Don’t be.

@MrsMariaReynolds she's already left.

Get out of this relationship now. If nothing else, realise that in staying, your H's dreadful behaviour is teaching your own child how to treat women. And the cycle continues. That alone would give me enough incentive to go.

Oh good you leaving. Stay strong.

See a counsellor on your own
You seem to be saying if you sayno more dc it s a hold over dh?
Or do you mean you going to get out now while you only have one dc to think about?
0.1% abuse is too much.

Of course you have mental health problems 🙄

The go to for any man when a woman refuses to be abused.

Treat every text as proof that may be looked at by others.

He is saying he will go to counselling because abusing you didn't work.

Keeping you awake all night didn't work.
Refusing to leave your bedroom didn't work.

Now you have had to flee domestic abuse and your home because of his threats that you would never see your child again and he would self harm.

It is very important that the above is central to what you tell the police and solicitor.

After months of verbal abuse from him and when you told him the marriage was over, he threatened you with never seeing your child again, and that he would self harm.
That he wanted you to stop breastfeeding so he could take your child.

This is horrible stuff and it is crucial you make the above known to everyone you deal with.

Spell it out to them, your fear for your childs safety.

You can do this.

You have made the right decision OP. There is so much to unpick here :

Constant very low level criticism is a form of abuse. It's very difficult to call it out as abuse as you'll get accused of being too sensitive, it was only a joke, he is entitled to his opinion etc. Bur ira designed to grind people down

Shouting and swearing is abusive
Threatening to kill himself ia the highest form of manipulation
Putting it all on you (you're being manipulative by crying as you're not supposed to have emotions, you don't argue properly) is abusive, abusers always think their behaviour is the result of someone else's behaviour
Flip flopping between tactics to try and get you to stay when one doesn't work is manipulative
He doesn't want to change, counselling to change behaviour is a long hard process and you have to completely believe you need it and want to change because you know your hebahiour is wrong, not to stop someone leaving
Agree with pp this will not get better as he really doesn't think there is anything wrong (and it's not his fault because of his past gf, and its only a small proportion of the time etc)

Lastly its so common in these threads for the OP to have an abusive parent, it sadly sets off a cycle of abusive relationships and males it difficult to spot abusive behaviour. So I'd recommend counselling to get out of this cycle

So, in the example reply you gave, you've told him directly what it is you would like as an outcome, which puts him in a position to punish you by making sure it's the last thing you get.

In my head I'd reply "too little too late, chum" but best to ignore, I think.

In my experience, every choice he makes about what he says or does (probably always but particularly now) will be made in the presence of an imaginary audience, and he will be looking for a reaction from you too. I think it would be best to deny him the benefit of any feedback, just in case you unwittingly give him information he can use against you.

Give him a 👍

My covert narcissist ex sends this all the time, never says thank you, I use his tactics on him.