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AIBU?

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Original poster

Overheard him saying he should have married someone else

135 replies

YourRealBiscuit · 30/11/2024 11:34

Hi all.
as you all may remember my relationship is heavily on the rocks but I wanted to get your opinion still…
I was watching a video my partner had taken on his phone of a concert - he knew I was watching it.

What he didn’t really realise is that I watched all of it and at the end he forgot to stop the video.

it went on to a conversation with his friend in the car where he said “I should have married her” in reference to his ex. How lovely she was and his friend agreed it would have been a great idea.

we’ve been together over a decade!

AIBU to be extra hurt with this? Or should I have expected it? Is that what people say in a rocky relationship??

OP posts:
justasking111 · 30/11/2024 13:55

His admission to friends was honest, as are your admissions on here. This doesn't make him a bad person, nor you.

It's what you both do moving forward that is important.

Nothatgingerpirate · 30/11/2024 13:51

YourRealBiscuit · 30/11/2024 11:48

Thank you. Would you bring it up or try to forget about it?

Show quote history

I wouldn't bring it up at the moment, I'd get rid of him, if practically possible.
🙁

BiggestFan · 30/11/2024 13:50

Things couldn’t have been all that great with the ex as he’d still be with her and he would never have got together with you. I wouldn’t stay with someone who said that though, the relationship is over if either of you think like that. His friend was probably just agreeing with him to not challenge him about it instead of saying ‘wtf are you talking about, you’ve been in a reltionship for over 10 years to someone else, why are you dredging up a relationship from over 10 years ago that didn’t work out’.

Startinganew32 · 30/11/2024 13:47

He’s an awful person. It’s a shame that there isn’t anything you can do legally about the house and stuff because surely you can’t put up with living with him until the end of your life? I’d rather live under a bridge than live with this selfish arsehole.

Original poster
YourRealBiscuit · 30/11/2024 13:46

JFDIYOLO · 30/11/2024 13:39

Practical things:

How old are you both?

How old are the kids?

Is their mother about?

Does he own the house outright?

Do you have a good job, income, savings, pension?

Do you have family & friends about you to confide in?

What do you own?

What is the rental market like near you?

Is a mortgage possible?

Thanks so much for trying to be helpful. I’ve got all these ducks in a row, it’s just time now, time to save up deposit and time to find a home.

OP posts:
Original poster
YourRealBiscuit · 30/11/2024 13:45

NeedToChangeName · 30/11/2024 13:40

He shouldn't marry you if he doesn't want to. No one should be forced / pressured to marry. And I wouldn't want to marry someone who didn't think he was the luckiest man alive to have me in his life

Sorry, but he's just not that into you. But, better to know that. Move on. Be the master of your own destiny. Good luck

Show quote history

Just to clarify, the not being married is merely an observation. I no longer would marry him because of the state of the relationship.

OP posts:
Original poster
YourRealBiscuit · 30/11/2024 13:44

Cheesyfootballs01 · 30/11/2024 13:28

Sorry OP but I agree with @ExtraOnions

Im struggling to believe that a phone picked up all that conversation clearly enough that you could understand it…

But it’s obvious that your partner isn’t that in to you and probably does wish he was with the other women… he doesn’t want to marry you or put you in his will.

How much older is he?

And are the kids yours or his?

Show quote history

How do you think I would hear it? Do you think I’d stuffed myself in the boot? Or do you think the whole thing is a lie??

OP posts:
BobbyBiscuits · 30/11/2024 13:44

It was a throwaway comment not meant for you. It was either indicative of the fact he was at that moment pissed off at you, or a more long term issue of the fact your relationship isn't going well from both sides. He doesn't literally mean it. Like she probably wouldn't have wanted to marry him even if he did think that. Not that it's not hurtful. But it sounds like things aren't going well so it's not an out of blue shock.
It seems like there's a lot of issues underlying. Whether it's flogging a dead horse to try and see a solution at this stage, only you will know.

NeedToChangeName · 30/11/2024 13:40

YourRealBiscuit · 30/11/2024 12:13

We get on great on the face of it, but there have been some clear alarm bells such as not being married. Not being included in his will etc
If you looked from the outside it would look fine and even though I’m trying to sort out my future independence I had hoped things might improve.
Im certainly not sharing thoughts like that about him with friends.

He shouldn't marry you if he doesn't want to. No one should be forced / pressured to marry. And I wouldn't want to marry someone who didn't think he was the luckiest man alive to have me in his life

Sorry, but he's just not that into you. But, better to know that. Move on. Be the master of your own destiny. Good luck

JFDIYOLO · 30/11/2024 13:39

Practical things:

How old are you both?

How old are the kids?

Is their mother about?

Does he own the house outright?

Do you have a good job, income, savings, pension?

Do you have family & friends about you to confide in?

What do you own?

What is the rental market like near you?

Is a mortgage possible?

Caerulea · 30/11/2024 13:35

OP I'd be absolutely crushed over this &, for me, it would be game over. In some ways it's more hurtful than a one night stand.

He'd be getting no more of my time from this moment on & I'd be out.

JFDIYOLO · 30/11/2024 13:32

So what are you going to DO, OP?

He's said he wished he'd married his ex, you aren't married, aren't in his will ... (Hope he isn't in yours).

This isn't a relationship, is it.

Are you going to keep trudging on?

Ragruggers · 30/11/2024 13:31

Look at the positives you know now for certain how he feels about you.How old are your children,do they have a good relationship with him? You have a job,great now make plans to leave in the new year.Start getting practical things together ie paper work,sort out benefits,Cms.Look at how finances will work.Take control.You need to leave so start to act on this.Youwill feel better knowing you can look forward.I wish you happiness n your new life.

Cheesyfootballs01 · 30/11/2024 13:28

YourRealBiscuit · 30/11/2024 13:12

Well it did 🤔

Show quote history

Sorry OP but I agree with @ExtraOnions

Im struggling to believe that a phone picked up all that conversation clearly enough that you could understand it…

But it’s obvious that your partner isn’t that in to you and probably does wish he was with the other women… he doesn’t want to marry you or put you in his will.

How much older is he?

And are the kids yours or his?

adviceneeded1990 · 30/11/2024 13:26

YourRealBiscuit · 30/11/2024 13:19

Clearly I think my self esteem has gone completely hence putting up with what I have so far. I am taking the steps everyone said to me I should though. It’s just a slow and painstaking process and in trying to keep things nice at home for the kids. All the while I’m thinking ok maybe we could work through it after all it’s ME who left myself vulnerable maybe as I get stronger things will change.

and then this

Show quote history

Do you want to be married to him for reasons other than financial security? I’m assuming the will issue is that he owns the house? If not then I’m sorry, it’s not totally clear. Are there relationship issues beyond money/inheritance? No one is inherently responsible for supporting anyone else financially other than their children. Presumably you chose to have children without marriage, not buy your own property, not ensure an interest in his property before moving in? If you have a job then you’ll have your own savings/pension? Get strong, get 100% financially independent, then make relationship decisions based on want and not need. If my DH left tomorrow I’d be emotionally devastated. However my ability to provide for myself, my family and my old age would not be changed. The magical penis owners aren’t coming along to save, protect and provide for us.

Original poster
YourRealBiscuit · 30/11/2024 13:23

Thank you Plastictrees

OP posts:
Plastictrees · 30/11/2024 13:22

YourRealBiscuit · 30/11/2024 13:19

Clearly I think my self esteem has gone completely hence putting up with what I have so far. I am taking the steps everyone said to me I should though. It’s just a slow and painstaking process and in trying to keep things nice at home for the kids. All the while I’m thinking ok maybe we could work through it after all it’s ME who left myself vulnerable maybe as I get stronger things will change.

and then this

Show quote history

Good luck OP. Keep taking the steps and you will get there.

courtcox · 30/11/2024 13:22

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Plastictrees · 30/11/2024 13:21

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Yes in a perfectly appropriate way to give context. You seem incredibly interested in my marriage and also very argumentative on this thread. Perhaps focus on trying to provide comments of value, rather than sniping.

Original poster
YourRealBiscuit · 30/11/2024 13:19

Plastictrees · 30/11/2024 13:16

How much more are you prepared to accept before walking away? This will erode your self worth.

Show quote history

Clearly I think my self esteem has gone completely hence putting up with what I have so far. I am taking the steps everyone said to me I should though. It’s just a slow and painstaking process and in trying to keep things nice at home for the kids. All the while I’m thinking ok maybe we could work through it after all it’s ME who left myself vulnerable maybe as I get stronger things will change.

and then this

OP posts:
courtcox · 30/11/2024 13:19

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Plastictrees · 30/11/2024 13:17

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

This thread is not about me, the OP is clearly in a very unhappy situation here and her feelings are valid.

courtcox · 30/11/2024 13:16

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Plastictrees · 30/11/2024 13:16

YourRealBiscuit · 30/11/2024 13:15

I feel betrayed and embarrassed and of course I feel stupid that again. His feelings are confirmed as I keep saying to myself they are.

Show quote history

How much more are you prepared to accept before walking away? This will erode your self worth.

Original poster
YourRealBiscuit · 30/11/2024 13:16

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

I have a job. Please take the time to get the situation correct if you’re going to have such a strong stance.

OP posts:
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