Overheard him saying he should have married someone else

@YourRealBiscuit

I'd say it's closer to DARVO: Deny, Attack,Reverse Victim and Offender

He stopped Denying after being shown proof, but he did Attack you and make himself the Victim and you the Offender for bringing it up.

I know you're 'working your way free', but this just shows once again how little he thinks of you and that you are simply a 'convenience' to him. And that he thinks if he DARVOs that it puts you back in your box.

Is there no way you can just pack up and leave? Worry about the future once you're out. Every day he's crushing your self esteem more and more. So everyday you're having that heaped on your shoulders. Get out now before the load gets any heavier.

Is the word 'gaslighting'?

@YourRealBiscuit Urgh I’m sorry he responded that way but I can’t say I’m surprised at all sadly. It is the hall mark of an emotionally immature man to respond so pathetically to calm confrontation; of course he is the victim here. My experience of men like this is that they are allergic to the truth and it’ll drive you mad being on the receiving end of the mental gymnastics and vague statements, it’s a form of gaslighting which creates a fog so that you’re unable to see clearly. He is self absorbed and rather than listen to you and understand how you’re feeling, he has turned it all around onto himself.

There are so many things here that you aren’t happy with, you deserve to feel like a priority. Hopefully you can take some independent steps forward now, away from him and towards a happy future. You can do it.

If this was me, my rocky relationship would now be over and I would be packing his bag. The hurt I would have felt from that comment would override any thoughts I had of salvaging the relationship.

edited to add that yes, I would definitely bring up the fact I had heard this, clearly stating to him that now he can fantasise about life with ex all alone by himself. You deserve so much better than this OP.

Indeed. Thankfully there have been more helpful posters!

This poster lacks emotional intelligence to offer anything to OP.

Of course it was shitty. This is a guy who had children with the OP but made it very clear that he didn’t want to marry her. Despite the fact that she raised his kids and compromised her career for that he didn’t want to offer her any financial security either by marriage or putting the house in joint names. He then wanted to cut her out of his will entirely and probably has done despite what he says. He doesn’t give a shit what happens to her in old age.
As if that isn’t enough he then mouths off to his mate about how he wanted to marry his ex. Marry as in share his finances with and have to provide for.
Hes a cunt.

It did when I was younger but as I’ve grown I no longer find it very useful

I don't think that I can explain any more clearly than that what the point is.

Still, if you get nothing from figuring out how you got to where you are, then that kind of reflection probably isn't for you.

Sounds like living in the past to me instead of confronting the real problems in front of you at present. Never healthy and nobody has a crystal ball and you can’t change the past so what’s the point!!

Actually, I think it's very helpful - for everyone - to look back at what could have been, and think about what might have come of it.

Sometimes you'll think, "Yep, that would have been a better course to have taken." And sometimes you'll think, "Nah - that would have all gone wrong, if I'm honest." And in either case, you'll never know whether you're right.

But that thought experiment has all sorts of benefits.

It gives context to whatever you're going through now.

It helps you analyse where you are and what you feel about it, just through comparison to an imagined outcome.

If you've done it before, the comparison between this time you imagined it and last time you imagined it tells you a lot about who you were then and who you are now.

I'd say that it's absolutely vital to look back at what might have been, in order to work out what you want to happen next.

It sounds like you're on your journey.

All the very best, OP. There is life as more than an unpaid housekeeper/nanny

I understand it's horrible news to accidentally hear, but realistically you already acknowledge your relationship is rocky and affecting your self esteem and you now know he feels the same.
Your DC will be affected by the atmosphere they live in, so it's time to put a plan to leave into action.
You're in a precarious position anyway.
Words are cheap( re his will) look at his actions.
He is not even kind andcaring towards you.
I wouldn't bother bringing up what you heard as I actually don't think it's relevant. Just confirms how you feel
Take control and tell him it's your decision to leave
Trust me, you and your DC will thrive without him.

I don’t understand all these people saying what he said is ok just because your relationship is struggling.

what he said is unkind, and it’s never helpful to look back at what could have been just because the present isn’t going as planned.

I can see how it's hurtful to hear, even if things are rocky of course it's not nice. The beauty of imagining a different life is that it isn't constrained by reality; he probably does imagine if stuff isn't great with you both that taking a different path would have been better, because he can imagine it however he likes.

This would be the final straw for me to be honest (if the relationship was otherwise good would address it but not necessarily leave).

@YourRealBiscuit

I remember your previous thread and I'm so glad you're getting those ducks in a row. I hope it includes buying yourself a house/flat to move into. IIRC he even suggested it himself so you'd shut up about providing security for you in his home. So take him at his word and do it.

Here's the thing. This man has shown such total disregard and disrespect for you and what you do for him that you can't trust a thing he says, or really even a thing he shows you. His word is worth less than nothing and he could conceivably change his will to give you a life estate to keep you there as his skivvy, show you that will to 'prove it', then quietly change it back to making no provisions for you at all. He has so little respect for you that I wouldn't put it past him. And he'd do it figuring "Well, I'll be dead so I won't be around when the kids kick her out".

I agree with you that your self esteem has taken a huge hit. But that's something you can do something about right now. Get into counseling to build up your confidence then get the hell out.

You said you'd asked him if you should be more like his ex.

She left him.
Be more like his ex.

Glad it wasn't just me thinking 🤔 he recorded a bit of a concert, the concert ended, he left the venue, he got back to the car, presumably some time passed in the car to start this conversation and yet he was filming the entire time??

And then you sat and watched it all until it reaches that point??

I wouldn't give him the satisfaction of saying that you know, but it would give me the drive to leave. Good luck with whatever you choose to do

Ps ... it's not uncommon for people to say unpleasant things whilst in the throws of breaking up, it's a sad thing to do about someone you once loved but all too common

I looked at your other thread OP and I was disgusted that your DP thought that was a reasonable way to treat the mother of his children. And very sad that throughout your relationship with him that you have felt like a " bolt on " - to use your own words.
So to hear your DP actually say this to his friend must have been devastating for you. And the fact that his friend agreed must have felt really humiliating.
No wonder your self esteem has taken a big hit.
Hopefully when you split up from this unpleasant man you will be able to flourish and find happiness.

This. Big girl knickers and LTB