To not be interested in pursuing counselling

I entirely understand, especially if you have reached a settled decision.

'Go to counselling' is often a knee jerk response and sometimes it's not helpful.

There are many poor counsellors around. It is poorly regulated. Always look for BACP accredited people.

There are some techniques more suited to certain issues than others.

Psychotherapy can be a game changer, but as with all forms of therapy it does rely on finding someone who is a good fit in terms of skills, personality and intellect.

I was lucky. I met, quite by chance, a therapist who turned out to be utterly fantastic. He changed my life (sort of) by giving me insights into who I am as a person.

I had therapy for 4 years and it's the best thing I ever did.

Relationship counselling is something completely different. It can be helpful if a couple want to find a way through a particular difficulty, but the only experience I had of this, the counsellor was crap and the sessions meaningless.

In fairness, there is a significant proportion of people on Mn for whom a slight upset is a total cataclysm, possibly because there’s a disproportionate number of people on here who struggle with day to day relations and interactions with other people.

I think therapy comes up so often because so many of these posters seem to have very little insight into their own mental processes, and also because they literally have no one to talk things through with, as part of the problem is their isolation.

I agree, but it seems to be stock response on MN particularly that any slight upset needs to be resolved with counselling.

That’s if the mindfulness/spa day/snuggle with a blankie and a hot choccy (🤮)/connecting with nature haven’t worked.

I don’t think I’m being dismissive about the cost. I’ve always paid for it, and it’s involved cutting back elsewhere, even at times, buying cheaper food or saving public transport fares by walking or cycling.

Nothing wrong with not wanting to do it. Obviously there are many different approaches to IAPT but most of the ones I’d value have nothing to do with solving an immediate problem, it’s more about knowing and understanding yourself and others on a deeper level. It’s not for everyone. Any skilled therapist would assess whether you have the capacity to engage in the first few sessions. If you can’t or don’t want to, there is no benefit to doing it. Personally, it has transformed my life but it has been a very long and expensive undertaking.

I think when you've had counselling (I would always say with a qualified psychotherapist) and found it really helpful, it is something that you naturally suggest for other people.

This. The right kind of therapy with the right therapist can change your life for the better, but it’s not for everyone and there’s a lot of shit counsellors and psychotherapists out there.

As we say in the counselling world, you’re your own expert so you know what helps.

Then that’s your own misunderstanding. There is no ‘thing’ that is counselling. There are simply individual counsellors, some highly qualified, experienced and accredited, some not, and their clients. It can absolutely be transformative with the right match, but no one’s obliged to do it. I would think that if you’re getting ‘try counselling’ from a number of people, it’s because you’re complaining or dumping on them a lot.

It may or may not be useful. Depends if you are engaged with it and on the quality of the counsellor I suppose. I do think it can be like picking a scab and not letting it heal (that’s based on the reactions of some people I know who just don’t seem to move on from their issue) - it’s not for me.

Maybe she is undergoing counselling herself, and she could have taken your response as a diss of counselling / people who are having counselling. Which presumably would have been a misunderstanding, as it sounds like you just don't think it's right for you, not that it's a waste of time/money for everyone.

I'd add to that: I've had a terrible counselling experience, and a great one. I think the 'match' with the individual counsellor is so, so important.

I can totally understand not wanting relationship counseling and particularly if you aren’t committed to staying in the marriage.

Being dogmatically opposed to it under any circumstances seems a bit intransigent and silly though. You can’t know if it’s going to benefit you until you try: why wouldn’t you give yourself that chance?

You obviously have strong feelings about it. It's not like a cult though. By saying that it seems to me you don't actually believe it helps anyone. It does help people.

It's your choice to make and not her place to suggest it.

Yes, I get that.

I suppose I'm coming at it through my own perspective of having been reluctant to engage with therapy (problems weren't bad enough, wasn't for me) and then finding it life changing and wishing I'd done it years sooner.

I guess I'm also talking more about individual counselling than relationship counselling, which is a completely different beast. But again, I'm grateful that I did couples counselling through the end of my relationship - I felt like it really set the tone for a mature and kind separation. I'm really proud of the way we both handled such an awful period and I attribute that in large part to therapy (but then again, maybe we would have done well without it as the intentions were there).

I come back to it's your life so you know best (but golly as a believer it is hard not to push it! Maybe this is how pushy religious people feel!). Sorry to hear you're having relationship troubles and wishing you all the best in resolving them however you find best.

It's not for everyone and the time isn't always right for people. I was a therapist way back.

No good relationships counsellor would accept a couple with an abusive dynamic. Bully for you that you were able to deal with the end of your marriage civilly. Not everyone can.

YANBU. Its over prescribed IMO. It only works for people comfortable with the idea opening up and who want to engage with it. It's always recommended on here, but it's not the only solution to interpersonal difficulties.

I should have counselling for current issues but they're not really my issues and I cba to pay loads of cash to sort out other people's stuff that just happens to be impacting me.

You do you.

I've lived through a separation and divorce, well before counselling was standard. The both of us as adults were able to come to a civil agreement. I'd expect I could do the same now should I need to, without counselling.

Then add that in toxic relationships counselling is not recommended, and I'm unsure why in such an unregulated area we are pushing couples and singles to counselling, it smacks of paying someone to be your freind and tell you the hard truths.