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AIBU?

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Original poster

To refuse to drive DW to an interview

353 replies

QuaintSquid · 30/11/2024 08:13

This issue is currently sort of hypothetical but it has caused a bit of an argument already so I just want to know how people would proceed if this actually happened.

For context, my wife's unwillingness to drive is a major bugbear of mine. Honestly, for me it continues to be one of the biggest challenges in our relationship.

We live very rurally and you have to drive to do anything. Our house is provided as part of our pay, so moving to a better connected place isn't an option without changing jobs. My wife never shows much appreciation for the fact that I am the sole driver. It's an hour round trip for me if she needs to return a parcel at the post office. She's had me take leave to drive to pick her guests up from the airport and I can only ever have one beer because I'm obviously the designated driver, but she'll happily see off three or four with no solidarity to me whatsoever. You get the impression. It grates on me a lot.

I have been campaigning for her to start to drive for nearly three years as I find her lack of independence quite suffocating. She first needed to exchange her foreign licence to a UK one, and this took her over two years to actually organise.

Now she needs to get a car. She can't drive mine because it's manual. I've offered to part exchange my car for an equivalent automatic as it makes most sense finally for us to share a car for now, but she says shes scared of a car ‘that powerful’ (it's a 1.8l hatchback, hardly massive). She's only briefly looked at micras and minis. This would sort of solve some of my issues, but obviously any long drives or big errands would automatically fall on me again and we can't split the driving.

This has come to a head this week because she wants to apply for a new job an hour away from us. I asked how she was planning on getting there, and she told me she was hoping I'd drive her to it if she got an interview. She got upset when I suggested she could hire a car because she's not driven in England before and she'd be scared of driving alone the first time.

But frankly I've had enough. She's happily inconvenienced me for years now despite me pleading with her to sort this out. I feel like there needs to be something that finally makes her realise how important driving is and give her the push to actaully do something about it. Taking her to this interview would surely just further enables her putting it off?

YABU - yes your wife needs to get a car and start driving but an interview isn't the right issue to put your foot down on

YANBU - don't drive her. If changing jobs and going to interviews means enough to her, she'll prioritise sorting a car out

OP posts:
WildFlowerBees · 30/11/2024 08:34

She sounds anxious about driving in a country she's never driven. I'd get her some lessons to give her the confidence then look at cars together and find a small one she's happy with.

If there was ever an emergency that would be an issue if she didn't drive given you're rural. I wouldn't make it a bone of contention but I would get to the bottom of why she's anxious and go from there.

Cat5689 · 30/11/2024 08:34

Was she happy with the decision to live rurally? Many people are just not comfortable driving. If they live near a bus stop it doesn't really matter

Lindy2 · 30/11/2024 08:33

Where would the job be if she got it? She'd need to be able to get there.

Perhaps take her to tge interview on the basis that if she did get the job she gets her own car and drives herself to work each day.

She probably has lost her confidence regarding driving. She will need proper refresher lessons with an instructor to get back driving again after such a long gap.

I do understand your frustration. I personally couldn't be in a relationship with someone who didn't drive.

A few questions though;

  • She has an overseas licence. Did she drive when she lived overseas?
  • Where were you living before you got your rural house? Was it more central so she was OK not driving before but you moved because of your job?

If she's always been a non driver and is now living rurally because of your job then that puts a different slant on things.

EmotionalSupportPotato · 30/11/2024 08:33

Our house is provided as part of our pay, so moving to a better connected place isn't an option without changing jobs

Then you'll have to change jobs. I get you want her to drive but at the moment she for whatever reason won't. So you either leave her or you work together on it to create a life where she can be independent of you

Autumn38 · 30/11/2024 08:31

I think if it was me I’d agree to drive to the interview as the LAST time I’d do this sort of thing.

even as a driver sometimes it’s nice to be driven to something like that as it’s nerve wracking so possibly not the right time to put a foot down.

However, I’d absolutely insist that she needs a car if she actually gets the job. It might be a good incentive.

Sassybooklover · 30/11/2024 08:30

I'm guessing that your wife has never driven on British roads, so therefore isn't used to driving on our side of the road? She is probably nervous and a bit scared, which is why she's put off exchanging her licence etc. Of course you could take her to the interview but what happens if she is offered the job?! You can't then be expected to take/pick her up from work every day!!! That's unreasonable. If she wants to change jobs, then she needs to find a driving instructor to learn to drive on British roads. Having a professional with her, will help build her confidence. It's not as if she doesn't know how to drive, it's learning how to navigate the opposite side of the road etc. You need to sit her down, and ask her in a non-confrontation manner, if she is scared of driving on the road? Reassure her that you can find a suitable driving instructor to help and buy her a smaller automatic car. I suspect she's embarrassed by her lack of confidence and when you are getting cross with her, it's making her confidence levels worse. Explain to her, that in order for her to change jobs, gain independence, she needs to be able to drive herself, rather than relying on you. It's unreasonable for you to have to take time off work, to take her to do every day tasks. I know your frustrated but the more you get cross with her, the more she'll retreat.

Seeline · 30/11/2024 08:29

How long is it since she last drove, and how long had she been driving for?

Has she ever driven in the UK?

I can understand that she might not be confident to start again if there have been long gaps. She needs some refresher lessons, locally and a small automatic.

Dooooooogle · 30/11/2024 08:29

But, also, if she can’t manage to drive, you need to change your lifestyle and move somewhere on a bus route. It must be a pretty stressful life for you both right now.

Doingmybest12 · 30/11/2024 08:27

You need to talk about the viability of your job and life style if she won't begin to drive. It's not workable . There's no point driving her to an interview when she won't drive daily for work. You need to stop letting it drag on like this.

Dooooooogle · 30/11/2024 08:27

I don’t think you’re being unreasonable on the car and driving thing.

Maybe she needs some CBT? Sounds like she’s built up some major anxiety over it.

But I do think you should suck it up and do one more thing - AS LONG AS she knows you’ll never drive her to work if she gets the job - which is the interview, as she’d arrive really frazzled and nervy after a drive and probably f it up. So I voted YABU - even though, really, you’re not.

Unless she can get a taxi to the interview and back?

But she would also have to show willing and, ahem, drive, to sort this whole thing out otherwise the interview is pointless.

BIWI · 30/11/2024 08:27

I think you've enabled her for far too long, and it sounds like it's become more of a psychological issue for her now. Given that she can drive (as you say she has a foreign licence), then I really do think it's time for you to force the issue by refusing to drive her any more.

RosieLeaf · 30/11/2024 08:26

Yanbu, this kind of learned helplessness would drive me insane.

PP is right that it is selfish.

WonderingWanda · 30/11/2024 08:26

Soontobe60 · 30/11/2024 08:23

She needs to take a few refresher driving lessons with a driving instructor. that will build up her confidence. BTW, my DH has a 1.8 car and I don't like driving it either!

This is a good idea, buy her some for Christmas. Agree with everyone it's time she got on with it. She can't take a job an hour away and expect you to be ferrying her back and forth.

TriangleLight · 30/11/2024 08:25

As someone else in a relationship with a person who chooses not to drive, I’m with you @QuaintSquid It’s very wearing.

@Pomegranatecarnage i can very much see why this was a factor in the divorce!

I do not move with my DP and wouldn’t even consider it tbh because of the driving issue

Whaleandsnail6 · 30/11/2024 08:25

Yanbu. She needs to start taking some responsibility for her transport. Your suggestion of swapping the car for an automatic is a good one and makes sense.

If she isnt willing to do that, she needs to work out logistics herself as you shouldnt have to spend your life playing taxi driver for her

suburburban · 30/11/2024 08:24

Maybe some refresher driving lessons and involve her in choosing a new automatic that she likes perhaps

Soontobe60 · 30/11/2024 08:23

She needs to take a few refresher driving lessons with a driving instructor. that will build up her confidence. BTW, my DH has a 1.8 car and I don't like driving it either!

Aduvetday · 30/11/2024 08:23

Maybe her getting the job will be the push she needs. Some people have a genuine fear of driving. Especially to new places. To not drive her to the interview, probably the only incentive she has, then she will be stuck in rural land because of your job…it all seems very controlling. Been there in a past life.

I’d drive her to the interview as by getting the job it will be the push she needs to drive.

Changedforthetoday · 30/11/2024 08:23

She needs to pull her finger out and just drive. Honestly how selfish she is. It’s not even that she has to learn as she has presumably passed her test in whichever foreign country issued her previous licence. Don’t drive her to the interview - she needs to consider what she will do if she is successful. Is there any family who have an automatic car who may be able to lend it to you or could you hire a car? She can then drive to the interview - you could offer to sit in to keep her company and be supportive but that could be an initial first step.

Pomegranatecarnage · 30/11/2024 08:22

My ex-husband refused to drive, despite having passed his test at age 19. I ended up doing all the kids activities, big shops (ended up paying too), and driving after a C section. It was a big factor in our divorce. He’s 53 now and hasn’t driven for 30 years.

KimberleyClark · 30/11/2024 08:22

MammaKel · 30/11/2024 08:21

I mean it's all good and well driving her to the interview but if she gets the job .. how she gonna get there?

And get home?

Mickey79 · 30/11/2024 08:21

I agree with you . What if she gets the job? Will she expect you to drive her there every day.

Borninabarn32 · 30/11/2024 08:21

Yeah I'd have stopped driving her about long ago. I don't think you get to just decide not to drive and that someone else is responsible for taxiing you everywhere.

MammaKel · 30/11/2024 08:21

I mean it's all good and well driving her to the interview but if she gets the job .. how she gonna get there?

Sushicucumbersalad · 30/11/2024 08:20

Personally I'm amazed you've put up with it for so long, it sounds exhausting. Definitely put your foot down on this or she'll never sort it.
Perhaps offer to book a refresher driving course, maybe she's not confident after not driving for so long.
I'd also change the car to an automatic, then she has no excuse.