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AIBU?

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To make my son pay

206 replies

SirHisss · 30/11/2024 06:43

For his own coat?

He has lost his at school. The replacement for the one he lost at the beginning of this year.

I can't let him go through the whole winter without a decent coat, so it's not something I can just refuse to replace and let him put up with not having one.

He has been round the whole school/lost property twice and it hasn't turned up so I believe someone has taken it, but it wouldn't have been taken if he hadn't left it at his arse in the first place.

He is always losing things, I feel like banging my head off the wall. I don't know how to get through to him. Jacket, sports equipment, trainers, we are on our third replacement bus pass since term started in September.

He was made to replace the lost sports equipment with his pocket money, and when he loses his bus pass he has to pay his own bus fare whilst we wait on a replacement but it doesn't make a difference.

He is a teenager, tall and broad shouldered so has outgrown kid's sizes - a decent jacket does not come cheap!

He is going to buy an air tag for the next one, which I think is a good idea and he can pay for that himself. It's just so frustrating, I work hard and he has nice, good quality things - this wasn't a flimsy cagoule from Primark and it'll be a significant chunk of my budget to replace it. But clothing him is my responsibility and it feels mean to get him to pay for something essential.

OP posts:
SirHisss · 30/11/2024 08:06

Catza · 30/11/2024 08:03

You want him to pay for his coat but is he actually earning any money?

No. He doesn't earn any money. I expect him to contribute with fresh air and good intentions.

OP posts:
SirHisss · 30/11/2024 08:05

TwinklyAmberOrca · 30/11/2024 07:53

Second hand replacement on eBay and he pays.

Did he have his name in it??

I teach in a secondary school and the amount of expensive coats that get left with no name on is ridiculous! If it has a name I reunite it with the child. If it doesn't then it goes to lost property.

Have you sent an email into school and asked if anyone has seen it?

I'd absolutely make him pay as losing two coats is careless. It can be his Christmas present.

His name was in it, but he has tried twice at lost property and I have phoned the school myself - it has not been handed in.

I think someone has either picked it up by mistake and can't be arsed returning it to the school, or has lifted it on purpose.

I don't have the time nor the inclination to traipse round charity shops, Vinted is fine.

OP posts:
Createausername1970 · 30/11/2024 08:03

Don't buy decent stuff for school. Get the Primark one. The good stuff will get nicked if he leaves it unattended.

Do yourself a favour, assume things will get lost or go missing, and buy accordingly.

You shouldn't have to, but don't heap stress on stress.

Catza · 30/11/2024 08:03

You want him to pay for his coat but is he actually earning any money?

Katemax82 · 30/11/2024 07:56

Iloveacurry · 30/11/2024 06:50

Look for a coat on Vinted. Definitely don’t buy a new coat. And yes make him contribute towards it.

Agreed

theywill · 30/11/2024 07:55

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Bananamanlovesyou · 30/11/2024 07:54

he gets one coat a year and if he loses it the next one comes from the charity shop. Bet he stops losing it then😂

AndMiffyWentToSleep · 30/11/2024 07:54

I feel your pain - I have had the same - lost coat, tie, PE kit. It gets so expensive! I have no solution, just sympathy.

TwinklyAmberOrca · 30/11/2024 07:53

Second hand replacement on eBay and he pays.

Did he have his name in it??

I teach in a secondary school and the amount of expensive coats that get left with no name on is ridiculous! If it has a name I reunite it with the child. If it doesn't then it goes to lost property.

Have you sent an email into school and asked if anyone has seen it?

I'd absolutely make him pay as losing two coats is careless. It can be his Christmas present.

SirHisss · 30/11/2024 07:51

coffeesaveslives · 30/11/2024 07:26

"Stop buying him expensive stuff when you know he loses it - there's nothing wrong with a cheap Primark coat for school.

There is when he has a 20-30 minute walk each way, often in the pissing rain/wind/hail.

I don't buy him expensive stuff for the sake of it, but there's a massive difference between something cheap and flimsy to a waterproof coat with a warm lining.

Even supermarket/primark coats that are actually functional for winter are not cheap.

OP posts:
GinForBreakfast · 30/11/2024 07:49

Yes he should pay for it but charity shops / Vinted are your friends. It's my default for cllothes for my teenager.

LemonHam · 30/11/2024 07:41

I have a teen like this. A solution that's worked for us is name labels with a phone number on every item (including bus pas, football, phone, coat etc). He pays for the labels online- waterproof and pre printed.

We found 99% of people who find stuff are honest but maybe too busy to track the owner down. Calling someone is easy and no hassle (for them).

We get weekly phone calls from strangers and then I or my teen go and retrieve the phone/coat/ sports kit..My number is on the label because he loses his phone too often (it's cheap and always returned.)

Buy cheap and replaceable. He had mixed success with airtags/tiles. They guve a rough location but not pinpoint accuracy. Adhd so we needed a way to manage this and it has really helped. Good luck!

Justsayit123 · 30/11/2024 07:38

Primary coat. Sorted

TheLyingBitchintheWardrobe · 30/11/2024 07:31

SirHisss · 30/11/2024 06:47

He is losing it.

Primark is your friend here, or have you any males in the family who can give you one that they don't use?

Princessconsuelabananahammock9 · 30/11/2024 07:26

If he loses stuff all the time why are you buying him expensive clothes?

coffeesaveslives · 30/11/2024 07:26

"Stop buying him expensive stuff when you know he loses it - there's nothing wrong with a cheap Primark coat for school.

Barrenfieldoffucks · 30/11/2024 07:25

From a practical point of view, I'd be on Vinted for stuff like this.

Whaleandsnail6 · 30/11/2024 07:23

I'd offer to get him one of vinted or charity shop and if he wants to choose a different/more expensive one, he has to put towards it.

telestrations · 30/11/2024 07:23

If he's losing it inside the school, going back for it and it's been taken and not handed in it's still theft. I wouldn't go to work and leave my coat in it, even in the wrong place, and expect it to be taken.

The cheap no brand coat with his name engraved in it is likely the way to go if he pays for it or not

itsjusttooearly · 30/11/2024 07:20

Honestly I understand the thinking, that he’ll take responsibility and it won’t be a problem but as you’ve said it doesn’t make a difference.

I think it sounds like he’s trying to take some responsibility but he isn’t the first or last to do this. It is hard in schools, so much movement and similar coats. I’d just buy him a new one and make him thank me profusely. Alternatively you could try Vinted or somewhere.

Maray1967 · 30/11/2024 07:20

I’m in a similar situation. DS16 has just lost his Nike hoodie-cost me £50. He said straightaway that he would pay for a new one himself from his savings. He’s looked in every classroom he was in plus lost property twice. It’s possible someone has taken it - but if he’d put it in his bag as advised it would not have walked.

Unlike yours, he doesn’t need it right now- he has sweatshirts he can wear instead under his coat and he won’t need it as a sole outer layer until spring. So yes, he is going to pay for it himself.

In your case, as it’s a coat I think I’d arrive at a compromise-maybe offer to get him a cheap one or put something towards a better one, but he needs to feel the consequences so that hopefully he’ll learn to look after his property better.

EnterFunnyNameHere · 30/11/2024 07:18

AwkwardPaws27 · 30/11/2024 06:49

Charity shop? Our local ones have had some nice warm coats.
I bought a Hobbs parka last year for £15, and almost picked up a warm waterproof Regatta coat for £12 last week before deciding I didn't really need another.

You could give him £10/15 for a secondhand coat, but if he wants new he could make up the difference.

I think this is a very good idea - or of there are cheap brands which are warm enough then you can say "I'll pay £ for a second hand/cheap coat, if you want something as nice/branded as the one you lost, you pay the ££ difference"

This is assuming he has some way of earning/paying the money of course, otherwise it's a bit unfair as he can't pay whether he wants to or not!

ThomasPatrickKeatingsDegas · 30/11/2024 07:17

Why are you buying expensive coats for school? Kids lose things at school, even good kids. Buy a replacement off vinted. Honestly. 🤦🏻‍♀️

DustyLee123 · 30/11/2024 07:14

I’d be replacing it with a basic cheap coat, he needs to learn a lesson.

HappyTwo · 30/11/2024 07:14

Losing things is a very common inattentive adhd trait

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