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AIBU?

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Original poster

To make my son pay

206 replies

SirHisss · 30/11/2024 06:43

For his own coat?

He has lost his at school. The replacement for the one he lost at the beginning of this year.

I can't let him go through the whole winter without a decent coat, so it's not something I can just refuse to replace and let him put up with not having one.

He has been round the whole school/lost property twice and it hasn't turned up so I believe someone has taken it, but it wouldn't have been taken if he hadn't left it at his arse in the first place.

He is always losing things, I feel like banging my head off the wall. I don't know how to get through to him. Jacket, sports equipment, trainers, we are on our third replacement bus pass since term started in September.

He was made to replace the lost sports equipment with his pocket money, and when he loses his bus pass he has to pay his own bus fare whilst we wait on a replacement but it doesn't make a difference.

He is a teenager, tall and broad shouldered so has outgrown kid's sizes - a decent jacket does not come cheap!

He is going to buy an air tag for the next one, which I think is a good idea and he can pay for that himself. It's just so frustrating, I work hard and he has nice, good quality things - this wasn't a flimsy cagoule from Primark and it'll be a significant chunk of my budget to replace it. But clothing him is my responsibility and it feels mean to get him to pay for something essential.

OP posts:
Badgerstriper · 30/11/2024 08:34

I’d definitely go for Vinted rather than primark (also in Scotland here so I understand the need for a proper warm and waterproof coat!) and would ask for a contribution (either money or chores etc) in the hope it shows consequences. The pp who mentioned putting a phone number on a label makes a good point. If my child came back with the wrong coat I’d phone/text a number to arrange its return.

Zanatdy · 30/11/2024 08:33

My son was like this too. He lost many bus passes and a couple of coats. Although I never made him pay, I did threaten it. He is such a lovely boy, but so forgetful. He’s 20 now and has got better.

Talipesmum · 30/11/2024 08:31

I don’t think you’re unreasonable to make him pay for it, or at least pay for a chunk of it. As much for “feeling the consequences” as anything else.

How much you ask him to pay depends on how much money he has, does he get pocket money, what else he has to spend it on, what proportion of his saved money it would be. So e.g. if he had £300 which was mostly from the last birthday and Xmas and 6 months of saved pocket money, then yes, he could contribute £150 ish or more (though that’s plenty for a great coat). If he has £48 and that’s saved over a few years and he never spends his pocket money anyway, then you could ask for a bit of it but not perhaps the whole thing.

FYI there were loads of good quality warm and waterproof coats on quite a bit of discount in millets last weekend for Black Friday week. £120 parkas down to £60 etc.

ExcludedatfiveFML · 30/11/2024 08:30

He should pay, yes. It's harsh but you're preparing him for adult life.

OakleyStreetisnotinChelsea · 30/11/2024 08:29

I think he should contribute yes. Natural consequences just like you do with the bus pass.

Agree with vinted. I got a new winter coat for ds this year, just decathlon but warm and waterproof and looks like it was worn about twice before being sold. Cost me all of £6. Ds is well known for leaving his coat at the bloody bus stop.

parrotonmyshoulder · 30/11/2024 08:29

My 12 yo ADHDer loses everything. As did both his uncles. No solution yet, but he doesn’t like expensive things anyway (yet!)

Ruggsey · 30/11/2024 08:29

Yanbu.
People only change behaviour through self interest.

A once off can happen but this is a pattern.
It's ok for him to pay.
But I would be buying a cheap coat.
If he feels the discomfort, it might drive the point home.

It is very annoying.

theywill · 30/11/2024 08:28

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LIZS · 30/11/2024 08:28

Might he be nd, adhd, dyspraxic et al? How are his self organisation skills otherwise?

Don't buy expensive, most teens won't appreciate more than the label!

Mummyoflittledragon · 30/11/2024 08:27

LemonHam · 30/11/2024 07:41

I have a teen like this. A solution that's worked for us is name labels with a phone number on every item (including bus pas, football, phone, coat etc). He pays for the labels online- waterproof and pre printed.

We found 99% of people who find stuff are honest but maybe too busy to track the owner down. Calling someone is easy and no hassle (for them).

We get weekly phone calls from strangers and then I or my teen go and retrieve the phone/coat/ sports kit..My number is on the label because he loses his phone too often (it's cheap and always returned.)

Buy cheap and replaceable. He had mixed success with airtags/tiles. They guve a rough location but not pinpoint accuracy. Adhd so we needed a way to manage this and it has really helped. Good luck!

I would do this op and buy your ds a coat from vinted.

Original poster
SirHisss · 30/11/2024 08:26

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I've already said he is in his teens.

I'm not sure why people are asking if he earns money - I'm not expecting him to pay with fresh air, am I?

OP posts:
theywill · 30/11/2024 08:26

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ThisOldThang · 30/11/2024 08:26

"very few people have actually bothered to answer my original question which was is it unreasonable to make him pay for it."

A previous poster suggested providing him the budget for a cheap coat from Primark/Vinted/charity shop. If he wants anything more expensive, he can pay the difference.

I think that's a fair compromise if you think it's been an accidental loss.

theywill · 30/11/2024 08:25

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ThisAquaCrow · 30/11/2024 08:24

YANBU. DD was and is ridiculously careless with stuff. She’s older now and I still find myself tempted to replace stuff ( airpods/scarves/lunchbags etc) but I know it doesn’t do her any favours. She needs to learn.

Enterthedragonqueen · 30/11/2024 08:23

Primary coats here and never had an incident of a stolen coat. My friend's son's expensive Canada Goose coat didn't last 2 days before it was stolen.

CheshireCats · 30/11/2024 08:23

Well I definitely sewed name tapes in my kids' high school clothing op. It still works the same at high school.
I would also make him pay.

Original poster
SirHisss · 30/11/2024 08:21

hepsitemiz · 30/11/2024 08:15

“but it wouldn't have been taken if he hadn't left it at his arse in the first place.”

Wondering whether “arse” is a typo here, or if it’s a new expression.

Anyway, go second hand and non-brand for any replacements. Yes he may be inattentive or even ADHD or whatever, but everyone improves through effort and he’ll put in the effort if replacements are less desirable than the originals.

edited for whoops

Edited

It's not a typo or a new expression. To leave something "at your arse" just means to discard it carelessly. I'm from Scotland, maybe it's regional?

Oh shit, I meant "boys black coat". The order of my wording was a bit shit there.

I think we'll be getting something from Vinted but very few people have actually bothered to answer my original question which was is it unreasonable to make him pay for it.

OP posts:
itsjusttooearly · 30/11/2024 08:20

Because it isn’t there?

phoenixbiscuits · 30/11/2024 08:19

hepsitemiz · 30/11/2024 08:15

“but it wouldn't have been taken if he hadn't left it at his arse in the first place.”

Wondering whether “arse” is a typo here, or if it’s a new expression.

Anyway, go second hand and non-brand for any replacements. Yes he may be inattentive or even ADHD or whatever, but everyone improves through effort and he’ll put in the effort if replacements are less desirable than the originals.

edited for whoops

Edited

The bit I replied to was edited

coffeesaveslives · 30/11/2024 08:18

@SirHisss maybe he'll learn to take better care of this things if the other option is that he gets wet and cold 🤷‍♀️

hepsitemiz · 30/11/2024 08:15

“but it wouldn't have been taken if he hadn't left it at his arse in the first place.”

Wondering whether “arse” is a typo here, or if it’s a new expression.

Anyway, go second hand and non-brand for any replacements. Yes he may be inattentive or even ADHD or whatever, but everyone improves through effort and he’ll put in the effort if replacements are less desirable than the originals.

edited for whoops

TheYearOfSmallThings · 30/11/2024 08:14

The cheap no brand coat with his name engraved in it is likely the way to go if he pays for it or not

I agree with this. You can get him a plain but decent Regatta coat on Vinted for £15, and nobody will be tempted to keep it if they find it.

Original poster
SirHisss · 30/11/2024 08:09

sesquipedalian · 30/11/2024 08:07

“Also, sew in a name label, or iron in one of those name labels that won't come off. It's too much hassle to unpick or scrape out a label.”

And sew in a name label in a secret place - like inside a pocket, or inside a sleeve. I know a parent who did this, and when her daughter’s coat went missing (not for the first time) went with a member of staff to examine all the coats in the cloakroom - she found her daughter’s coat and was able to prove the fact because of the secret name tape.

This might work in a primary school where all the coats are in the same place, but I don't see how anyone could reasonably check every black boys coat in a secondary school.

OP posts:
sesquipedalian · 30/11/2024 08:07

“Also, sew in a name label, or iron in one of those name labels that won't come off. It's too much hassle to unpick or scrape out a label.”

And sew in a name label in a secret place - like inside a pocket, or inside a sleeve. I know a parent who did this, and when her daughter’s coat went missing (not for the first time) went with a member of staff to examine all the coats in the cloakroom - she found her daughter’s coat and was able to prove the fact because of the secret name tape.

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