Please or to access all these features

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To make my son pay

206 replies

SirHisss · 30/11/2024 06:43

For his own coat?

He has lost his at school. The replacement for the one he lost at the beginning of this year.

I can't let him go through the whole winter without a decent coat, so it's not something I can just refuse to replace and let him put up with not having one.

He has been round the whole school/lost property twice and it hasn't turned up so I believe someone has taken it, but it wouldn't have been taken if he hadn't left it at his arse in the first place.

He is always losing things, I feel like banging my head off the wall. I don't know how to get through to him. Jacket, sports equipment, trainers, we are on our third replacement bus pass since term started in September.

He was made to replace the lost sports equipment with his pocket money, and when he loses his bus pass he has to pay his own bus fare whilst we wait on a replacement but it doesn't make a difference.

He is a teenager, tall and broad shouldered so has outgrown kid's sizes - a decent jacket does not come cheap!

He is going to buy an air tag for the next one, which I think is a good idea and he can pay for that himself. It's just so frustrating, I work hard and he has nice, good quality things - this wasn't a flimsy cagoule from Primark and it'll be a significant chunk of my budget to replace it. But clothing him is my responsibility and it feels mean to get him to pay for something essential.

OP posts:
MagdaLenor · 30/11/2024 08:59

SirHisss · 30/11/2024 08:56

Weirdly, we still have the removable lining for the coat which he sometimes wears as a fleece 🙄

That's good! A low cost waterproof outer layer, he'll be fine.
If a coat gets left in my classroom, I check for a name and get the runner to take it to lost property and the person enails the form tutor. It's obviously been stolen. Canada Goose don't last long at our place, followed by North Face.

SirHisss · 30/11/2024 08:56

MagdaLenor · 30/11/2024 08:40

If you want to get him a cheap coat, you can always get a low cost fleece as an extra layer. If it's not uniform, it can be removed with the coat.
Although it's another thing to lose, I suppose.

Weirdly, we still have the removable lining for the coat which he sometimes wears as a fleece 🙄

OP posts:
Photodilemmas · 30/11/2024 08:54

SirHisss · 30/11/2024 06:47

He is losing it.

He doesn't need a decent coat and that is really expensive. Just get on mountain warehouse etc (amazing black Friday deals) and get him a warm waterproof one but cheap. Sounds like you are setting yourself to fail by buying him what sounds like designer items.

CocoapuffPuff · 30/11/2024 08:53

I'd expect him to contribute, yes. If you lost your coat, there's no fairy who'll deliver you a new one, you have to pay for it.
If he's not earning, there's other ways to compensate you. He can pay with a bit of labour, perhaps? Chores for your parents maybe, that you'd ordinarily do? I think he ought to be inconvenienced by the "fine" without it being too punitive.

theywill · 30/11/2024 08:51

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

SirHisss · 30/11/2024 08:51

Coconutter24 · 30/11/2024 08:45

Of course it would work. Your DS leaves his coat in a classroom, a teacher finds it looks inside for a name ‘SirHisss Son’ is wrote inside so the teacher knows who to hand it to. If they look and see no name then it makes it harder to return

The poster I quoted said they had a secret label and the teacher checked every coat in the cloak room to find it. How is that the same?

His name was in the coat. If the teacher found it, they would have done as you said. That isn't what happened.

OP posts:
shellyleppard · 30/11/2024 08:51

Get him a cheap coat from Primark or supermarket. If he wants trendy stuff he can pay for it. I never used to buy trendy stuff for my son's as i knew they would lose it

Onlyvisiting · 30/11/2024 08:50

SirHisss · 30/11/2024 08:26

I've already said he is in his teens.

I'm not sure why people are asking if he earns money - I'm not expecting him to pay with fresh air, am I?

The thing is my answer would be different for a 13/14 year old who you want to pay from his savings that are a years birthday money, or if its a 17/18 year old in regular work.
But honestly, making him pay for stuff hasn't helped so far, it sounds like he is trying but can't help it. So I'd buy a replacement but def get cheaper/ vinted items as much as possible, or if he doesn't like that then give him that amount of money and he can top it up to get a nicer one.

Coconutter24 · 30/11/2024 08:45

SirHisss · 30/11/2024 08:09

This might work in a primary school where all the coats are in the same place, but I don't see how anyone could reasonably check every black boys coat in a secondary school.

Of course it would work. Your DS leaves his coat in a classroom, a teacher finds it looks inside for a name ‘SirHisss Son’ is wrote inside so the teacher knows who to hand it to. If they look and see no name then it makes it harder to return

Galliano · 30/11/2024 08:45

It sounds like he has done his best to locate the coat if he has been searching school and to lost property. This isn’t an effort all teens are willing to make. Considering this I’d replace the coat and try to work with him on strategies to stop it happening as much.

marmaladeandpeanutbutter · 30/11/2024 08:45

So what are you expecting him to pay with?

Lifestooshort71 · 30/11/2024 08:44

My GS's school had a ban on anything with a logo or brand name - shoes, bags, winter coats, everything. Made it a lot simpler and cheaper for his parents and nobody ever coveted someone else's coat! Personally I'd buy from Primark or charity shop but I wouldn't make him pay unless he has a part-time job - docking pocket money is a bit pointless.

Livelovebehappy · 30/11/2024 08:42

Definitely Vinted. They have labelled stuff for a fraction of the price. I love Joe Browns clothing and bought myself a whole wardrobe of winter Joe Browns clothes for £100 this year. A fraction of the price. And some clothes on there are new too, so he might not have to compromise too much.

LivelyHare · 30/11/2024 08:42

Of course he should pay!

Xmasbaby11 · 30/11/2024 08:41

I think fully pay - no, but miss a week or two of pocket money.

My 12yo ASD DD loses a lot of stuff but became so worried about losing her coat, she stopped wearing it at all! We have a charity shop one as a back up at home. She has become better with keeping hold of clothes at school, but water bottles we gave up on and she just uses disposable ones now.

marmaladeandpeanutbutter · 30/11/2024 08:40

Is he (or are you) going to lost property? They usually end up there.

MagdaLenor · 30/11/2024 08:40

If you want to get him a cheap coat, you can always get a low cost fleece as an extra layer. If it's not uniform, it can be removed with the coat.
Although it's another thing to lose, I suppose.

Cactuslife · 30/11/2024 08:39

Get one from Vinted and dock his allowance for a couple of weeks.

BlondeFool · 30/11/2024 08:39

Lost not list. I can't edit on phone.

BlondeFool · 30/11/2024 08:38

Vinted. As it hasn't been handed in to list property, it's been stolen so I wouldn't charge him.

Mumwithbaggage · 30/11/2024 08:38

Was going to say the same as a pp about adhd or dyslexia traits - my ds was a nightmare for this. Still is but at 28 and living in his own house it's not my responsibility.

Such a pain - is it named? Airtag is definitely a good plan. Does he have a locker at school? I know when people have to carry stuff round all day it's easy to lose. (Teacher but primary these days.)

Vinted is a good shout, especially for school coats.

MagdaLenor · 30/11/2024 08:36

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

I know. It's a valid question.

Newdaynewstarts · 30/11/2024 08:36

By him a second hand one for school, charity shop £20 will get a good one. Keep a decent one for other times.

Catza · 30/11/2024 08:36

SirHisss · 30/11/2024 08:26

I've already said he is in his teens.

I'm not sure why people are asking if he earns money - I'm not expecting him to pay with fresh air, am I?

Because your question is if he should pay. Which is only possible if he learns money. If he doesn't and by "paying" you mean giving up his pocket money - which is your own money - then that's a slightly different question.

KoalaCalledKevin · 30/11/2024 08:34

Find a coat at the supermarket or on Vinted and tell him you will contribute that cost to a new coat. If he wants something more expensive, he pays the difference. If not, you'll buy the cheaper one.

Swipe left for the next trending thread