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Original poster

My 11 year old son hates me and won't talk to me. Will it ever get better?

59 replies

Canonical · 29/11/2024 20:02

He was always the sweetest boy. Very close with me and loving. When dh was in hospital with a life threatening illness over a month, ds became detached from me and this has escalated to him calling me a bitch, cunt etc and not allowing me to look at him or talk to him. It is such an extreme change I am suffering from guilt, trauma and feel like I'm missing g something. I have never punished him and repeatedly tell him that I love him unconditionally but this just makes him more angry. I don't know what to do and it's affecting me so badly. I just want my happy, sweet boy back. I want him to be happy more than anything and worry something else is going on.

OP posts:
BlueSilverCats · 29/11/2024 20:35

What triggers these behaviours /outbursts?

Does he have periods when he's himself, calm, loving etc?

Is he increasingly independent or particularly clingy or just the same as before?

Does he talk about his feelings/worries when he's calm?

Christmasmorale · 29/11/2024 20:30

Laundryliar · 29/11/2024 20:26

Id be questioning where hes even learnt language like that genuinely mine at 11 hadnt heard the c word or certainly hadnt heard it frequently enough to feel confident to actually use it.
Like a PP if a child of mine any age used that language to me my god would they regret it! Bye bye phone bye bye all screens!

To be fair I hear the year 5 and 6 kids at my kids school talking like that. My kids don’t play games and aren’t allowed to watch YouTube and yet my 8 year old knows some of those words (but doesn’t use them on me)

But I agree that screens, toys, whatever works would be gone if that language was used in my house.

Original poster
Canonical · 29/11/2024 20:29

@gemmy He's only had a phone.for.a.few months. I really hope not.

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Original poster
Canonical · 29/11/2024 20:28

His Dad is a chef and he's helped out peeli g potatoes in the kitchen before. I'd say I know where he learnt it!

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Christmasmorale · 29/11/2024 20:28

It sounds really hard but there needs to be serious consequences for him talking like that to you. Consequences explained beforehand and if he doesn’t listen, actual punishment that’s followed through without anger or emotion.

Gemmy96 · 29/11/2024 20:28

I'd strongly suspect he's been exposed to some horrible 'manosphere' content on social media

Laundryliar · 29/11/2024 20:26

Id be questioning where hes even learnt language like that genuinely mine at 11 hadnt heard the c word or certainly hadnt heard it frequently enough to feel confident to actually use it.
Like a PP if a child of mine any age used that language to me my god would they regret it! Bye bye phone bye bye all screens!

Original poster
Canonical · 29/11/2024 20:26

I can ask my parents to fund therapy at a push. What type would be recommended?

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Original poster
Canonical · 29/11/2024 20:25

I totally agree

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Christmasmorale · 29/11/2024 20:24

That’s sounds really difficult.

You mention you don’t punish him? What do you do when he calls you a cunt or is disrespectful to you or his sibling?

LaDamaDeElche · 29/11/2024 20:24

You are out of your depth and you need professional help.

Original poster
Canonical · 29/11/2024 20:24

Dh is far more old school and prone to telling him off but even he feels this is out of (ds's) control. I can't afford therapy outside of his school intervention.

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LaDamaDeElche · 29/11/2024 20:23

I live in a country where it's much more normal for children with emotional problems to see a psychologist. There's no floating it or discussing, it's a treatment like meds would be. If your child needed meds it's not a discussion, same with therapy. Sounds like you need to step up a bit and be the parent.

Original poster
Canonical · 29/11/2024 20:22

@Not tonight was the first time he dropped the C bomb. I felt he was doing it for a negative reaction so I continued to read little ds a story and told him Notton ever speak to me like that.

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MumonabikeE5 · 29/11/2024 20:22

He needs therapy! Maybe He has been frightened by the experience of his dad being unwell and potentially dying and is afraid the same could happen to you if he loves you so much.

LaDamaDeElche · 29/11/2024 20:20

Canonical · 29/11/2024 20:18

@LaDamaDeElche AND @Dramatic I totally agree and.rrally want to.access rhis for him. I've floated it with him and he says.point blank no to therapy.

He's 11 and you are the parent. It's not a choice. It will help him. The job of the psychologist is to work with children who are resistant and get them to open up.

Original poster
Canonical · 29/11/2024 20:20

Thanks @POny I agree that he can't do this, especially towards his little brother but I don't want to push him away. The humonclui cbt started due to unrealted ritualised behaviour much earlier in the year.

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NotOneOfTheInCrowd · 29/11/2024 20:20

What were the consequences for him calling you a cunt?

I think that some serious discipline is needed here over therapy. I appreciate you’re upset but I absolutely wouldn’t show him that, and if my child called me a cunt I’d come down on him like a ton of bricks.

He perhaps needs therapy but I also think we’re often too quick to jump to saying they need therapy when actually what they often need is to be told in no uncertain terms that you do not speak to people like that and you won’t stand for it.

He’s eleven. I understand that he’s had a hard time but his behaviour is unacceptable, and there need to be consequences. Take away his games console/screen/ground him/whatever consequence you generally use. I’d be telling him that he’d bloody well better justify his words and his actions.

He’s a child and you’re an adult. He’ll do as he’s bloody well told and he absolutely does not speak to anyone like that. Ever.

Bigearringsbigsmile · 29/11/2024 20:18

Has your dh spoken to him about his behaviour? There may well be stuff going on but it doesn't mean it's ok for him to treat his mother like that.

Original poster
Canonical · 29/11/2024 20:18

@LaDamaDeElche AND @Dramatic I totally agree and.rrally want to.access rhis for him. I've floated it with him and he says.point blank no to therapy.

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PonyPatter44 · 29/11/2024 20:17

Homunculi intervention is a type of CBT for children, i think, so if he is having this, that's a good thing. It does sound like he's transferring all his anger and fear about his dad onto you, which is understandable, but he doesn't get a free pass to be violent or verbally abusive to you or his brother. It might be useful to ask his therapist for some strategies to help manage his behaviour at home.

Original poster
Canonical · 29/11/2024 20:17

@bluebeck I did for almost all of the time and he and younger ds would go to my sister house (very much trusted and happy place that he continues to ask to have sleepovers at). I made sure that the boys visited dh (apart from iTu as charente wernt allowed).

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LaDamaDeElche · 29/11/2024 20:14

Child psychologist. He's not dealing with his trauma and needs a safe space either a third party to work though this.

Dramatic · 29/11/2024 20:14

You are his safe space but at the same time it's not ok for him to treat you like this and it sounds like he needs some professional help to work out other ways of getting his feelings out.

bluebeck · 29/11/2024 20:13

It sounds like this behaviour is completely out of character.

Is he being bullied at school?

Who looked after him whilst you were busy looking after DH?