My 11 year old son hates me and won't talk to me. Will it ever get better?

Get a private therapist. It should only take a few sessions and they are trained to get them talking ( through doing activities together etc).

Has anyone got or read this book....The Homunculi Approach to Social and Emotional Wellbeing

A Flexible CBT Programme for Young People on the Autism Spectrum or with Emotional and Behavioural Difficulties

By Anne Greig and Tommy MacKay. Foreword: Rita Jordan

I saw it when I started looking at Homunculi from this thread. I have ordered it.

My first thought is that your DH's illness has rattled him to the core and he doesn't know how to cope and he's taking it out on the person he loves the most and feels the safest with. Even adults can react like this when they're not coping.

Its not about him hating you, its about him not coping.

If he has access to Roblox get rid of it. The interactions on there had a very negative effect on my kids behaviour. Look at other games he’s playing. Who is he interacting with?

Has he any access to incel materials? Or Andrew Tate crap? What are his new friends like?

There needs to be repercussions if he uses C words (and similar) towards you. Factual but fair, unemotional. No phone screens for 48 hours or whatever.

Is he quite a sensitive boy? Is he happy at school? How has he found the transition to his new school? Is this particular school the right place for him? Schools are often harsh dog eat dog environments and you may be receiving fallout from the tension he feels around school (and his dad’s illness). Talk to the pastoral team and his form tutor and ask them to help support his well-being because he’s not ok despite giving the impression he is.

more importantly you need to rebuild a bond. Have silly fun carefree quality 1:1 time, make him feel treasured without you being needy. Has he any interests you could help expand?

It's difficult when kids learn the lesson that a loved one can be fine one minute and seriously ill or gone the next.

Je could be holding you at arms length because the fear of losing you is overwhelming.

Hormones will be kicking in at his age, too.

Fear and trauma of his Dad being seriously ill in hospital. He may be scared the same thing could happen again or you could become ill. He could be worrying about either you or his Dad dying. Worrying about what would happen to him and his brother. At 11, he can't process all those emotions and he's taking out all that fear on you. Hospitals are scary places for children, especially when they know someone is very ill. He needs therapy to work through his emotions and for reassurance.

He is calling you a cunt and in response you are focusing on ‘unconditional love’ and no punishment rather than disciplining him. That is the problem. He may or may not be neurodivergent but there is no excuse whatsoever for an 11 year old using that kind of language.

Oh OP I feel so sorry for you and both your DC, I'm so sad reading this. If it started when dad was poorly then it's either something else big happened at the same time he felt he couldn't and still can't tell you about or more likely you are his safe space and he's so scared of losing you like he almost lost his dad that it's easier to push you away so it won't hurt as much if you got sick.
If he won't talk would he write his feelings down? Could you write him a letter explaining how much you love him and want him to be happy?
I agree with no punishment and the only reaction is to say calmly don't speak to me like that as I don't think this is him just hitting puberty and pushing boundaries, I think it's deeper than that.
Regards your parents paying for therapy, whilst I think it's a good idea I wonder at the moment if it's a waste of time/money if he's so against the idea and isn't ready to talk yet?
Sending love ❤️

Safe space or not you do not tolerate the way he is speaking to you. Even if you don't actively punish him you don't put up with it

It's also not fair on his younger brother and it needs to stop while you get to the bottom of it

This.

We are adopters, which is very different to your situation, but we were told that children under stress struggle to keep it together at all times. Sometimes they need to make a choice whether to keep it together at school or at home. They cannot manage both.

The fact he is keeping it together at school but letting you get the brunt of it means that he knows you love him and it is safe for him to let his anger out.

That doesn't make it easy on you I know.

I am so very sorry.

Have you considered whether he might be neurodivergent? Your description of him being a sweet and loving boy until he's out of control is similar to my boy with ADHD. Sometimes it doesn't become apparent until puberty or until there's so much stress they can't mask it anymore.

In my opinion (I'm not an expert , but I do work with kids that have been through trauma), he is distancing yourself from you/his brother. Most likely driven by fear. The incident with your DH probably affected him a lot more than he expected, especially since you say they weren't close. The two of you are the ones he was really close to and loves so the thought of losing you and how that will feel is terrifying him. As a result he's putting as much distance as possible between you, the only way he knows how. If he says it enough, maybe it will become true, and if anything happens, it will hurt less.

He definitely needs extra, professional, support. This is not something you can fix or love out of him on your own.

Since he's already involved with services in school, I'd ask them as a first point of call for any other services /support that you can look at . Play therapy, counsellor etc.

seriouslynonames

"Agree with PP some therapy sounds like it might be needed. Is it a trauma response to the worry about his dad being so ill? Might he be pushing you away in fear he might lose you through illness? Could be all sorts going on in his head that only a professional can unpick. I hope you can access some help for you both, good luck"

Yes, I agree, I am having trouble with my son too and so will be looking here with interest.

Good luck.

You do have my sympathy, I know what it is like and it is hard.

@Canonical this sounds like he is afraid of losing you - his Dad being in hospital has made him realise his parents might not always be there. That’s a terrifying realisation and he is at the most difficult age.

You might well be his safe space... but you aren't his whipping bitch.

Make this into a valuable lesson, people won't be your 'safe space' if you treat them like shit.

Unconditional love does not equal being a verbal punching bag.

I am probably the least strict parent ever! And probably the person most likely to empathise with the child and suggest being kind, thoughtful, open and soft etc...

However, maybe he does need to know that his words are impacting you and you are not.prepated to be his punching bag anymore. If he calls you a cunt again you need to tell him it's not acceptable, it hurts your feelings and he should not speak to someone who loves him dearly in this way. You may need to say that in a firm voice. He may need to feel.bad and have a cry before he's able to open up to you.

Can't believe I'm saying that, but I do think he needs to see you hurt and what his words can do.

This sounds incredibly tough.

Where is your dh in this? And where us your son's GP? It sounds as if you are having to sirt all this out on your own?

Has your dh had therapy following his ICU stay? Eg icu patients can often be offered an outreach visit where they go back to the unit and talk to the team, especially if they are experiencing hallucinations, bad dreams or just not being sure what was real at that time. I'd expect your dh to model going to therapy for your ds - i agree that ut shoukdnt be a choice but also your dh should be reassuring him it's a good and normal thng to do. And I think that family therapy would be 100% the most appropriate intervention for you all, what a horrific time you have all had 💐

Has his dad sat him down and asked him why he's being like this with you?

It's not a choice for him, he either stops this behaviour towards you and his brother or he goes to some kind of therapy, that's the bottom line. You can't allow this to continue.

You need to look for a child psychologist in your area. If they think he needs someone else they can advise. Please ignore the comments on here about screens or dealing with it yourself. No one on here is a professional, you need professional intervention with a traumatic life experience and a big change in behaviour. Just do this and leave the other advice on the thread.

he is trying to process trauma and consciously testing you,whilst unconsciously knowing you’ll not reject him. He need a camh referral and school support. He doesn’t have the words or adequate coping skills hence the anger,rage and inappropriate words. It’s understandable but inappropriate he can be supported to address this and develop adequate coping skills

That's really shocking and abusive language for ANY one to be using, least of all a child to his mother.

There absolutely do need to be consequences for behaviour like this- not physical punishments, obviously, but most definitely the loss of screens/phone.

I expect you feel so shocked you have the ''Deer in the headlights'' look when he abuses you - he has to know that this behaviour is very abusive and unfair on you and the sibling.