To want to double barrel DD’s surname?

@FestiveGoat i cannot stand ExH for reasons unrelated to him being DD’s father. I avoid using her surname as much as possible as it is a reminder of him.

Like it or lump it, your child is half him! Without him, your child wouldn't exist! Your bizarre reaction upon hearing his surname, which is also your daughters surname and was at one stage your name, is ridiculous! Hate on your ex all you want, but this name hating issue is ridiculous!

Really? Are the people you speak to thick?

I do. I can’t be bothered to explain what a hyphen is anymore 😭

People feel awkward and upset when then they don’t understand things. By just using the last part, you are making other people feel more at ease. what on earth is this? I'm not halving my last name to make people more at ease because they can't handle a "-"

I have a double barrelled name. But in all honesty the snob in me does think that parents creating double barrelled names seems a bit upwardly mobile. Whereas double barrelled names which go down through the male line are ‘real’.

so if you meet and marry another man does that mean you wont change your surname to his or are you going to triple barrel your daughters. Leave it as is.

I’m not comparing it to racism or bigotry - I’m pointing out no one would expect that names that are long or otherwise ‘difficult’ (to native English speakers) are shortened or simplified except for some reason double barrelled ones. Where do you draw the line? Jones is ok but Johnson too long? Brown passes, Brownstone needs reducing?

Presumably people who are ‘uncomfortable’ with Smith Jones are going to feel similar when faced with MacSeóin, yet you only expect one person to change their name to accommodate their feelings. Why is that?

Is it that you don’t think double barrelled names are ‘real’? You mentioned me ‘creating’ a name as if I’ve made it up.

The OPs reasons are her own. Perhaps she regrets giving in to a patriarchal tradition that has positioned her husband as more important in the family set up, despite her being the primary caregiver? Only 1 name is used now - his - so why should it be his? Not hers? Why double down on a mistake when you can change it?

Double barrelling my kids’ names has nothing to do with wealth, and everything to do with them being a product of joining 2 families, neither of which is more important just because of the presence of a penis. I won’t raise my kids to uphold the consideration of women as possessions. Not all of us care more about class than sexism.

Quite probably.

Too many people don't think about "future proofing" when they marry, changed their names and therefore name their children.

This is a very good point.

I would think that the courts may consider it Parental Alienation if you even informally drop the dad's surname.

It's not complicated to change your name as an adult. I did it. I printed out a Statutory Declaration saying that henceforth I will be known as 'Thankyou..." and not my former name of X (exact wording on internet) and took it to a Solicitor who charged me £15 to hear me read it, then he signed as witness. I then sent it with my Birth certificate to the bank, got a passport with it. The only docs now in my old name are my GCSE and first degree certs. If they are ever needed I enclose a copy of the stat declaration.

@Rachel757677

Only certain types of people go with the double barrel. Do you really want to be one of them?

Enlighten me, what 'type of person' am I?

Of course you shouldn't be encouraging her to change her name. Everyone knows (including a Court) that an 8 year old wanting to change their name (unless the name is notorious) is an idea planted by an adult.
I don't agree with patriarchal naming, which is why my kids have both of our surnames, as do several of their friends. But you chose your daughter to take only her father's name. You can't move the goalposts now.

I agree with that. And 9/10 you can tell when it’s a mishmash of mum’s and dad’s names. They sound wrong.

My DB surname is only 5 generations old (six with me) and I still consider it a bit nouveau.

But if it’s good enough for the Queen as they say…

Then let her decide that for herself when she's older. I hated having a double barrelled name as a child.

If she wants to sure. But she might also want her name she's used to stay as her name.

Wow. The little girls circumstances have changed.
her parents are no longer one unit.
she now has a different name from her mother.
Maybe the girl would like to have the name as both of her parents.

Actually it's the opposite. At 6, you need the consent of everyone with PR, and if they don't consent you have to go to court. At 16, it's the young person themselves who chooses and can easily change it by deed poll.

It might be less hassle for the parents but it's much more difficult for the child. My friend's daughter who changed her name at 16 had a whole load of stuff that needed changing from email addresses to savings accounts etc. Not to mention the emotional toll of changing your name as a teenager and telling all of your peers you have (in this case) a deadbeat dad.

This isn’t an issue comparable to racism or bigotry.

There is no “should” around it. It’s just generations of common practice and a form of etiquette. People feel awkward and upset when then they don’t understand things. By just using the last part, you are making other people feel more at ease.

But if you created a name to make a point of including your surname, I can understand why you feel strongly about using it.

And as we see from the OP’s update, she wants to create a double barrelled name to exclude her ex’s name…by just using the last part (hers).

I think she’s too old for her name to be changed.

You need to resolve your feeling towards your ex - probably with professional support. This is a much more extreme reaction to your daughter’s name than you realise.

Not letting her have things with her name and having her treated differently to her peers at school - that is being nasty about her name. Your are making your displeasure clear over and over.

"My preference would be for DD’s legal name to be Firstname ExHname-Myname but for her socially to be Firstname Myname."

Just what I thought, then.

So what would you ideally have on the Christmas cards? Both surnames or just yours?

My parents did this when I was a child. My mum just used her surname and my dad just used his. I didn't like it. Felt as if they wanted me to be different people. When I went to uni I used both surnames - of course we don't use surnames that often but if it was needed I would often just use the initials ie FirstName AB.

I think that giving children their mother's surname would avoid a heap of future problems too.

Everything about it screams of wanting to be seen as 'better'. This is why threads here periodically pop up about how to look nouveau-riche and the like. It's become more commonplace now because some people want that niche moniker but it was about protecting lineage and appeasing feudal families when it actually made sense.