To want to double barrel DD’s surname?

She did push for it and he said no. Have you read her replies?

@MissScarletInTheBallroom the child's looks and hobbies matter because OP has said she can't stand any reminder of her ex. If the child has any similarities to her dad what is the mum going to do?

@MissScarletInTheBallroom

Ok. Still don't get how that's entirely his fault. Why couldn't she push for it then before the child was even aware of her surname.

Yeah apparently you did. The OP asked to double barrell their DD's name when they divorced and her ex said no.

What on earth does it matter whether she looks like him or shares his hobbies?

The OP could have also kept the same name as her child if it meant that much to her? I’m all for baby having Mum’s name or a DB name from birth if that is what the Mum wants, that’s fair enough. But changing a child’s identity after years, whether that be 2 or 8, based on how you feel about the person you made her with just feels wrong to me. Lots of kids know their full name at 2. What’s the OP going to do if she starts to look more like her Dad? Shares his hobbies as a teen? Picks up his speech patterns or quirks? The OP is very open that she hates the name as it reminds her of him which is why she wants it changed.

@MissScarletInTheBallroom

*But they could have double barrelled her name when they divorced, when she was only two.

It's entirely the OP's ex's fault that they didn't.*

Did I miss the bit it was entirely the ex's fault? Also, the OP has already said the name would be officially double barrelled but only use the the mum's name informally. Presumably the dad would continue to use his name for the child so the poor child will have 2 separate names in 2 separate houses. That's so damaging.

But they could have double barrelled her name when they divorced, when she was only two.

It's entirely the OP's ex's fault that they didn't.

A nightmare for genealogy

No, I would be fuming that my co parent was using blatant emotional manipulation on my child which is a form of psychological abuse. If my child wanted both names and it was suggested of their own accord then that would be their choice. The way the OP has talked about this poor little girls name, even erasing it on school artwork, is horrific and as PPs have said it is going to cause her long term issues if she doesn’t stop.

This! This is bordering on emotional abuse @FestiveGoat! You are trying to erase her identity, what makes her who she is. Her father is half of her DNA, half of her self worth and how she identifies is tied up in him. Gently, she doesn’t give a crap that you don’t like him and not should she! Choose better men to shag without protection in future if he’s that bad (which I can’t imagine he is if you are allowing close to 50:50 custody) and stop messing with this poor little girls self esteem!

Despite being the parent who doesn’t do as much raising of the kids, you’d be fuming that the child has both parents’ names? How…selfish.

Why?

She asked her ex when they divorced and he refused. Their child was too young to even know what her surname was at the time.

Why should their child only have his name?

If he's fuming he only has himself to blame for not being reasonable when he was asked nicely.

Textbook emotional manipulation. “It would be nice if…” is planting the seed, it’s what’s called a leading question. Bringing the grandparents into it to tug on her wee heart is horrible. I’d be fuming if I was your ex.

Highly likely in case he can prove that it would cause her harm

What 'type?'

The appropriation of what?

Whatever they want to happen- drop one, move one or some to middle names, take their partners, blend them into new name, just keep existing names - endless possibilities

It's absolutely not a non starter, daughter agrees she wants it - it would be a very easy win if you took a specific issues order to court you'd definitley get this.
My ex bullied me into doing exactly this by threatening court and I was advised that he'd definitely get given it and would possibly add child arrangements on the the court hearing too so it was better to just agree.
If your daughter really does want it, and you're happy to do and pay for all of the admin, and you're not going to change your name again if you get a new husband, then just take it to court.

What a stupid idea

FWIW, it's been a trend for a bit now for teens who've been "given" just the dad's name to decide to switch to using both last names even if the parents are still together.

If they're under 16 or not ready to make a legal change they just use the double-barreled version as their "known as" name** (which also avoids the paperwork question until she's old enough to assess whether the legal change is worth the hassle of the extra piece of documentation for life). Whether or not others use or respect it may depend on the community, I guess - but I don't see why they wouldn't as surname changes are pretty routine. While there can be moments of forgetting or confusion, most people get used to it just as they do when a name is changed due to marriage, divorce, adoption, etc.

IME it's pretty common for younger children to want the mother's name post-divorce especially if (1) the dad has less than 50% custody or (2) the child is especially close with extended family on the mother's side, and then eventually just because if feels like the fair and egalitarian thing to do. Maybe they do get the idea from adults originally, but that doesn't mean it doesn't become important to them.

What happens if you remarry and take his name, she’ll literally be the only Evans-Johnson in her family. She'd be the only one anyway, because the senior Evans and Johnson are each using their original last names and are unlikely to have another child together.

Why all the angst about what happens when two people with double-barreled names marry? 500 million Hispanophones aren't running around like chickens panicking about it. Coverture (the principle that females do not have an independent legal identity but must be "covered" by a designated male) was historically adopted earlier and more enthusiastically in England than anywhere else in Europe.

** (This is in Scotland, where the child's birth records are indexed under both names and the de facto name has more legal force than in England/Wales, but I'm fairly sure you can do similar elsewhere in the UK as well).

And this is why my daughter has my surname. YANBU

Isn't that the same for any child though? Product of two parents? There's nothing special about that but it's the appropriation of something that had specific meaning, for use wherever by whomever.

People do what they want but it doesn't mean that their actions don't jar. That's life.

Not the people in my actual life but the people taking my restaurant booking etc must be. I’ve had the conversation more times than I care to remember.

YABU.

When DD has her own kids do you expect them to have a 4xbarrelled name?