To dread Christmas?

I dread it, I don’t know why. I have the budget and no relatives I don’t like. I think it’s just overwhelming and too much expectation. If anyone has an illness or bereavement it seems even more cruel,

There is too much pressure for it to be fabulous. I enjoy Christmas though. I like my relatives, though some of them are a bit annoying, tolerance and humour gets me over the hump with that. I no longer go nuts over presents - spend what I can afford, try and get thoughtful gifts.

I find when people are genuinely making the effort then often family clashes can be avoided.

I’ve noticed in my ex’s family there were often “no contact” Christmases with both sides being horribly petty because they couldn’t deal with issues as they came up through the year and would fester about them. But, then would buy extravagant christmas gifts, send them and not talk/meet/communicate! Invariably one of them (MIL) would end up crying and wailing about being abandoned at Christmas. It seemed mental to me and very stressful.

Op, I'm sorry to hear about your husband and in laws. There are a few things I would suggest.

You cannot control your in laws so accept that it is their choice ignore you and there is nothing you can do about it. Take your focus off your in laws and direct it to your children.

Once things have calmed down, plan a budget for your spending for next year. Decide how much you will spend in each category of your life including Christmas. Track your spending and let the money build throughout the year so the impact of the gap between December and January's website has less impact. Money Saving Expert has good advice.

If money is tight, check Freecycle, eBay, Facebook Marketplace and charity shops. Not everything is old and mouldy. There are some superb bargains to be had including brand new things. Always keep a look out for suitable presents throughout the year. Don't blow the budget.

Explain to the children that things are a bit harder money wise without their Dad and there may be fewer presents/treats. Do a few free Christmas things like the turning on of lights in town, Carol service at church, do a walk around the village/town to look at the lights then home for hot chocolate and biscuits.

When people are telling you they are organised for Christmas in June just smile and nod. Avoid those types if possible. If you are feeling panicked and out of control, keep it to yourself. There is nothing to be gained by sharing with anyone who is not a) supportive and/or b) in exactly the same state of chaos and confusion.

You've got this!

Ive not done xmas in years no cards decs gifts etc nothing.
I gave up with it never felt better i now go away on holiday and come back when its all over.

It sounds like you're not drawing boundaries around what you think is important at Christmas. Set a budget and don't go over it, start saying "no" to unreasonable requests to spend money. If you don't enjoy spending time with your relatives, but have to see them, be clear about what you're willing to do- "I can see you for 2 hours on X date but unfortunately we have plans on Y date."

And if other people in the house are demanding a full Xmas dinner, then they need to participate in the cooking and washing up.

I also make a concerted effort NOT to talk about Christmas with people as it does seem that all anyone ever says in terms of small talk is "Are you ready, finished your shopping, is the tree up yet, what is Santa bringing the kids" on repeat from 1 Dec only.

So for small talk from me you can expect moans about the weather, or the roadworks, or discussion of the Strictly final or whether that new restaurant in the high street is any good rather than the christmas nonsense.

My dad died on Christmas eve when I was 7 years old but my mother kept up all the Christmas traditions. The year my mother died my sisters and I decided not to have a traditional Christmas and all went out for an Italian meal instead. I always made an effort for my children but never really enjoyed Christmas.

Start new traditions with your children....they don't need to be expensive just make sure you enjoy youselves and make the in-laws realise that you and the children come as a package over Christmas.

The only thing I like about Christmas is when all the family gets together, but that never happens anymore due to work commitments and the fact we all live in different parts of the country.

I only buy my parents presents and no extra food, other than what I normally buy. Christmas is a fairly low-key, inexpensive time for me, but then I don't have children and luckily can avoid all the razzmatazz.

I used to feel like you.

I started buying for my 3 (who are now teenagers) back in January this year to spread the cost, and I can honestly say it has really helped.
I'm a single parent/ unpaid carer to my youngest who is severely disabled.
We don't have a lot of family (and they don't see their father by choice), but in some ways I think that makes it easier for us as we can just have a nice cosy Christmas at home. Just us. No pressure.

I just focus on making it special for us, and pay no attention to what anyone else is doing.
My youngest has the developmental age of a much younger child due to his disability, so he still believes in Santa which is lovely as I still get to enjoy the magic with him.

A few years ago I would feel really low about how much I could afford to spend.
I'd watch Youtube vloggers with wall to wall presents for their children and feel helpless, before I realised that this wasn't the norm!

I don't set my expectations to high, and just set aside little things to enjoy, like a new Christmas film that we haven't seen before, Christmas music, nice food, a good book to read, a new series to watch.......I just see it as precious family time.

Shops full of tat.
Christmas jumper day.
Bono. Fucking Bono.
Can't get in a pub.
Can't get served if you do get in a pub.
When in the pub, eventually served, Bono on the speakers.
Family.
Shit TV, although streaming has somewhat negated this.
Shit radio. Bono again.
Cards.
Office parties.
Secret fucking Santa. Oh, an amusing pair of socks. Lovely.
Turkey is actually tasteless and dry. A plateful of pigs in blankets with gravy would be a far better choice. And one I choose each year, by the way.
Why do they still play that Gary Glitter one?
All of the awful decorations.
And Bono. Fucking Bono. The ghost of Christmas wank.

But, OP, you can opt out. And that is joyful.

Definitely it’s not just the OP. Many people feel this way. Christmas is massively over rated and unnecessarily expensive.

@Cardiganwearer. Thank you for your kind response. Much appreciated.

I'm really sorry that happened to you and for how badly you were treated ❤️

The whole 'Christmas is the time for the people you love' narrative very difficult if there isn't much love.

Christmas is absolutely what you make it. You don't have to do the same as everyone else if you don't want to.

I don't like the rampant commercialism that increases by the year. I do love seasonal baking, time with my family, a bit of time off work, nice food...

Choose what's important to you and focus on that. It doesn't matter if it's not what everyone else does.

This is the dream....when MIL is no longer with us...

We opted out. We go abroad to avoid it.

It really isn’t.

It’s not just you I’m looking forward to it this year but I’ve had years where I’ve felt like this x

I like Christmas but I’m lazy and only do what I want to. I save a bit each month towards presents and food. I know that’s not always possible when money is tight all year round. Never did the expensive Santa experiences. We stuck to school and church fair Santas. My family is very small which is sad in some ways but takes the pressure off at Christmas.

OP can you get kids and other family members to pitch in with food prep and washing up? Can you cut back on side dishes etc to reduce costs and effort? Are you doing things because you feel that you should? Can you cut on any effort that isn’t important to your DC having a nice time?

I’m so so sorry @Astrak for the loss of your father. And they were very wrong to treat you so. The memories must be very hard around Christmas. Sending love and best wishes xx