AIBU to think if you haven’t got your life friends from school / uni, you’ll be forever lonely??

Sounds like you have been unlucky with your area. We moved out of London with a baby to a place lots of other couples were doing the same so lots were also open to new friendships. I would be stuffed if I relied on old friends my two best school friends live overseas permanently uni friends are lovely but live 2 hours away and are now homebodies.

I only have one friend from school (we've been friends for over fifty years, since primary school) and none from university. Some of my best friends I have met in the last decade!

I'll get called defeatist and negative but I do think for some people it's extremely hard for them to find new worthwhile company at this stage of life let alone make new friends. It can feel like trying to make something out of nothing.

I think in the absence of potential opportunities I'd focus on doing things that you enjoy. Basically keep yourself interesting, take care of your mental health and if opportunities do arise then you'll be more able to take advantage of them.

I am FB friends with one person from secondary school, one from university, three from work.
I met my best friend at work.
I met DH at work.
My second best friend is a school mum (she asked to practise her English as she had an interview, and we hit it off, kids were 4yo)
Another friend I met on the bus!!

Bar the school mum and DH, all the others live in different countries. So, day to day life is quiet: work, family, dog, house; rinse and repeat.

I've got a bigger circle (of about 8) who I enjoy having a beer and a catch up with, but it's fairly infrequent. I have no time for out-of-the-house hobbies. I also find that my friends are quite 1-2-1, it's not a group. I'm not sure they'd like each other if they all met up!!

I don't have friends from school and only one from uni (arrended as a mature student). I moved a lot as a child, so had to make friends regularly.
I've made work 'friends', some of whom I contact/see once every Preston Guild, but essentially not really bothered to keep in touch with those who really were just colleagues, even if we did have a laugh/good working environment

Parkrun / running clubs are brilliant for making friends. I moved to my local area and knew no-one and met all the people I hang out with now at parkrun and my local run club. Even if you hate running you can volunteer. Everyone goes for coffee afterwards and it's great. This does require your dh to be around Saturday mornings to look after the kids tho!

Are there running/rowing/netball/football clubs? They tend to be very social and a good place to make friends

My closest friend is a mum from school. Our kids aren’t keen on each these days, they’ve grown up and gone seperate ways and we’re both completely different people but it works somehow. And we’re not living in Each others pockets either. I’ve known her ten years and she’s been there for me during the worst time of my life to date.

i also am living a long way from where I grew up in Sussex. I’ve moved around a bit, uni, parents moving about and I haven’t kept in touch with anyone apart from one friend from my childhood.

I have other friends, another mum from school is lovely, we talk a lot and she’s great with my dd (I’m a single parent and her and her dh and their kids have sort of adopted dd as their 5th child 😂) . I have work friends too and friends from a craft group I go too, annd I’ve made 2 lifelong friends from a parenting group I went to when my kids were small. I’m also at the stage of my life where I just want peace. I’ve accepted that I will never have the friends I had from my childhood because I moved about but the friends I have now are priceless to me.

im 47 now and realising that growing friendships can take years and finding the right group/hobby/school friendships takes time and patience. I like what a pp said about concentrating on yourself and what you can bring to the table. It’s not always easy but worth it.

I live in North Wales now and that’s had its own difficulties eg the language and the subtle racism but I wouldn’t live anywhere else now.

Few blunt pieces of advice from me…

Start small, release the pressure of trying to find long-term friendships and just aim to be a little more social. Friendships develop with time and organically… Take the initiative and when the opportunity presents put yourself out there by suggesting a coffee or a walk with the kids etc

I think forging friendships through the kids could be a good bet. Host some play dates with their friends, suggest a trip out here and there.

Also don’t let anyone know you’re wanting to establish new friendships, even if that sounds harsh. It’s a bit like dating where confidence is attractive.

Believe in yourself and what you bring to the table as a friend. And keep on keeping on little by little. Do something for yourself… start a hobby.

Best of luck OP. If I was in Surrey I’d be your friend <3

I met one person at a hobby in my late 20's. Through them, I met all of the people I'm friends with today in the area I live in.

You really only need to meet one person who is well connected and then you meet everyone.

Just keep going to things you enjoy and stop focussing on 'mum friends'.

Blaming Surrey seems silly. There's simply no logic for friendship. Finding someone who wants the same level of friendship as you is complex. Why some friendships change from an occasional hello, to an acquaintance, to a friend or close friend, is complex. Like other pp's I have a friend from school, one from uni, a png group still going strong, a couple of groups of mums from ds's primary school, 2 camping friends. My 2 closest friends and I are in a group which messages daily, meets regularly for curry, goes on a girls holiday. We are actually all very different, but it just works. But you couldn't explain it. Keep trying, it'll come.

I rarely see school/ university friends. Most of mine I met through work, then a few school run mums, NCT and then yoga/ aerobics in the evening.

I am older than you and my closest friends are from work although I am now retired and mums I met when my children were small and friends I have made through my hobbies and joint friends with DH. I never did uni and moved away from where I went to school so I don't think those are necessarily a good way to find lifelong friends although both my daughters who are the same age as you do have school friends they see but they are living in the same area they grew up so you moving around and peripatetic childhood isn't helping.

You have 3 young children so it should be possible to make friends with other mums. Can you not do play dates and see if you can find a kindred spirit? Even if you work remotely do they not do away days or is there an office you can go into occasionally to forge some bonds? I think you also need to talk to your husband as he seems to be living a very different life to you if he has a separate social group, travels a lot and works long hours. When do you see him? Can he babysit the odd evening and you do a class or take up a hobby?

Or lead to having to avoid the crazy parents.......🫣

I don't have a big circle.
I don't want a big circle.
I lost touch with childhood friends.
I'm not lonely.
If you are feeling lonely then you have to get out and get involved in things - you might not make as many friends or as close a bond as a lifelong friend, but you'll likely find folk with similar interests/things in common and who you can share joy with.

I don't really have any answers, but I did find this book v. interesting. He reckons it's a numbers game, a psychiatrist told me a similar thing it takes 1,000s of hours to make a really close friend and you only have "space" for about 5 ( including your spouse if you have one and close family members) for me that "ring" is full with DH, DD (aged 18), DM, DF and Dsis. The next ring is 15 some of which might also be family, then 45 etc. If the people you meet have full rings then they are just not looking for friendship at that time. This explains it better.
https://www.bbc.com/future/article/20191001-dunbars-number-why-we-can-only-maintain-150-relationships

Honestly this hasn't been true for me. I have a handful of good, solid forever friends from school and university but I don't see them all that often as we live all over. When we do get together though it's like no time has passed.

In the last 7 years since I've moved to my current location I've built up a new network of friends through involvement in local theatre (appreciate not everyone's cup of tea!) two smaller groups merged and now I'm part of a group of around 10 women (plus partners on occasion) who spend a lot of time together. My DW and I are having a baby soon and I know those girls are going to be the ones who have my back, they're our village. I actually met my best friend through theatre age 26 which I think is quite unusual.

Shared interests are everything! I think you just have to find your niche and sports teams and theatre/choirs are both great places to start

Sorry to use the Mumsnet cliché, but you have a DH problem. Why has he basically abandoned his family?

Also... "having an interesting job is very fulfilling" is a bit of a privilidge tbh. Great if you're in that position. I'm stuck trying to change sectors/jobs and very much not in the "full filling" category. Most people just work to pay the bills.

OP is at work. It says in her OP she does 3 days a week but it's remote. One of the downsides of working remotely...

I know what you mean. I sometimes feel I'm watching my life go by.

I'm sorry you feel like that, op. Surely you will be going back to work sooner or later and you'll make friends then. You must be still quite young and you need more out of life. I certainly felt better for returning to work, part time but still I enjoyed it and was good at what I did. Later on I worked full time and things took off but one step at a time.

People are fortunate if they keep their friends from school, etc. Some do but most lose touch eventually, people move away, even abroad. That's life.

Having an interesting job is very fulfilling. Look forward to that.

This one no good? https://www.meetup.com/guildford-womens-20s-40s/events/302982104/?recId=9e84aa9f-78eb-4fa2-9eea-926016b8575c&recSource=keyword_search&searchId=86e87435-afcc-481a-bf2b-ec2773ad1961&eventOrigin=find_page$inPerson

Have you tried searching meetup for other interests?

Join a school PTA it's a good way to meet new parents and can lead to friendships.

its harder but don’t worry it’s not impossible. & I say that as an autistic woman who has moved cities alone three times. Two years ago I spent my birthday alone and I didn’t mention it to anyone at work because I was embarrassed I had no one to spend it with. I also lied to my parents that I was going out with friends. This year I went on holiday with ‘new’ friends for my birthday

I haven’t kept in touch with anyone from uni (only graduated 3 years ago too), and have 2 acquaintances not close friends from school days. I also don’t have Instagram which can be a red flag to some people especially in the early stages of getting to know someone. I often use a vague excuse for why I don’t have Instagram, deep down the reason I deleted it was because I didn’t have much to post, and constantly seeing people out with their friends made me feel even worse. I remember wondering what it felt like to constantly get so many likes and comments on pictures. Also, I’m naturally shy and self conscious of seeming desperate and awkward (thanks to ASD).

despite all this from my experience, moving to London (supposedly an antisocial city) as an adult I went from less than a handful of friends who I rarely saw to someone who was invited to five birthdays this year. I now socialise with friends on average twice a week, and have met my friends friends to help expand my network more.

Tips:
Put yourself out there, say yes to as many social invitations even if it’s not something of interest. The more you socialise the better chance you have of meeting friends. Also, just because you go to an event where you don’t end up clicking with anyone (has happened to me many times!) don’t give up and don’t beat yourself up for it.

Join Bumble BFF and local Facebook groups. I have joined a Facebook group for women in London which is very active, and you’d be surprised even some of the women who seem very outgoing/popular on social media are still experiencing loneliness.

Once you meet someone you click with, don’t be scared to initiate meeting up again. It can feel awkward at first but it does get easier. Again it won’t always guarantee a friendship as sometimes people don’t have the capacity for a new friendship.

it won’t happen overnight but don’t give up! You can find friends at any age. Once you have some friends it’s then much easier to make more without much effort (getting introduced to their network)

I think just keep going. My experience of ‘mum friends’ is most are transitory as you move on. Not for everyone but for me. What about a running club or sport?