AIBU to think if you haven’t got your life friends from school / uni, you’ll be forever lonely??

The way to get lifelong friends is through things you're passionate about. Even if you move away or your lives get busier there'll still be a thread holding you together, events you still all want to go to, reasons to send a message. The friends I met through music, art and politics scenes in my 20s are all still into those things now.

Join a group activity - a choir or an amateur dramatics group, or join the Women's Institute or the local branch of the Arts Society, or a walking group. Get a dog! Good luck - you WILL find your people, but it will take some effort and you may have to kiss a lot of frogs first!

I moved to a different country at the age of 21. I only have one school friend I am still in touch with. I went to uni as a mature student, everyone was 20 years younger than me.
I made friends at work in my old company but moved to another part of the country at 39. We are still in touch, though, but not seeing each other regularly.
I work fully remotely for the last 3 years but I made a few friends at work because we still work collaboratively so there is a lot of opportunity to "bump" into people online. I started arranging meeting with people from work in real life. I would often find an interesting event and message one of the people to see if they want to join me. After a while, people started to reciprocate. I don't organise group outings as these are more likely to fall through.
Recently someone had an issue at work and I offered to drive over to their house to help in person. We had a good chat and thought we might want to organise a social outside of work. She never followed through but I am going to message her after Christmas to invite her for lunch.
I guess, what I am trying to say is that if you want to make friends, you need to be proactive. It's very possible to do.

I don't have close friendships with anyone from school, mostly they have very different lives to me, lots pregnant or in prison before i'd even finished sixth form college. I do have a close group of uni friends but we don't all see each other in person a lot because we live all over the place. Some of my closest friends I have worked with, my best friend I worked with in a bar for 3 months when I was 18 and she was 21, we've been each other's maids of honour, been through all the ups and downs of life. 3 of my other closest friends I have worked with in the career I have now in the justice sector, 2 I don't work with anymore, we joke that we're so close because of the trauma bonding but there's probably some truth in that. I have a few friends from sports, one I used to live across from. DH similarly doesn't have any school friends he is close to, his closest friends are from work or his hobbies. His best friend he met doing a shared hobby about 15 years ago.
As for the school mums there are some I get along with but I'm pretty sure once school is done they won't be enduring friendships and that's fine

This is a great idea

Not at all.

I knew even when I was at school that no one there would be a lifelong friend. I did think university would be different but I suppose in retrospect I was still "finding myself" rather chaotically. Still in touch with a few people but it's not really a friendship group and it's also not the people I thought I'd stay in contact with.

Found my real lifelong tribe and chosen family when I moved to London after graduating. About 3 or 4 separate but overlapping groups of people that I met in my 20s and 30s. And I still enjoy meeting new people in my 40s so I don't think I'm done with making friends yet.

All my friends were made through work

I'm not friends with anyone from school, I'm a different person now to who I was back then. Ive got lots of friends I've made as an adult though. My kids are in their twenties now, but my closest friend I met through DC2 when he was at nursery. Other friends I met through the PTA at primary school. More recently I've made friends through sport or yoga. As an adult, I don't need the kind of close, all consuming friendships you have as a teenager, different friends meet different needs.

Quote:
"Part of me thinks we up sticks, move and start again!!"

I would have thought that you would want to avoid disrupting your children's friendships and schooling, potentially starting them on the path to the same problems that you are experiencing?

The main barriers to meeting people and socialising regularly seem to be your husbands work hours and your work from home. If you move you will take these issues with you? It would make more impact to change either of your work than your location.

Some of your loneliness must be missing time with your husband? Can he look for something with a better work life balance? Also this opens up opportunities to meet other school parents as a couple - who often later do things as the mums or dads.

Have you tried Facebook groups or apps? There's an app called peanut which is like tinder for mum friends. Also try creating a Facebook group eg "(your area) mums" and share it in local community groups. I bet you'd be surprised how many mums are in the same boat

I have one friend from school, two friends from uni - all live in other countries so two I haven't seen in years and it's only the odd email or Christmas card, though one is on FB so I do see highlights of her life (she posts about once a month).
Several good friends are from my first few years work, when we were all young and bushy tailed and hadn't yet met partners. Work was also our social life. 40 years later I still see a few pretty regularly.
Then school mums. First school my Fife went to I didn't connect with anyone, but second one there was a weekly coffee morning at the local cafe for the two class years my kids were in - drop in of available and some weeks it was three or four but sometimes ten mums. My son's class in particular I met several women that have become very good friends. I have no partner (I'm a widow) so I seem automatically excluded from many couples type social events like dinner parties (sub conscious or not - it is a thing). So I make the effort. Meet someone who seems friendly? I suggest we meet for coffee. Volunteering opportunity at school/church etc? I'm in. Regular dog walker that always stops to chat? Ask to meet up same time tomorrow to walk together. Sure not all these will lead to anything but you never know.
But it was through work and school that I met most of my current friends. And three people I employed (builder, handyman and decluttering expert) have become close friends too.

I’m in Surrey now ( having moved from London) and have made friends with a big group of women who were “ school mums “. For me I was introduced to them in Year 6 but they had been an established group for a few years. If your school mixes up classes as mine did you will have opportunities to meet other parents as you go through the years. You may find the younger children’s classes are more sociable too.

I have done proactive things to make friends though…. I hosted a get together at mine one year since I lived near the school and started a little book club of my own which met at home. You could also put the word out on Meet Up.com and see if anyone else is interested in starting a club . I did respond to an advert like that in Covid and I know that book group is still going strong ( they meet in pubs). Gym classes for me never worked but tennis has and I’m getting to know more people there. This year we’ve also bought a dog and I probably speak to more new people that way than any other activity.

I think you need to stick at those groups that you've tried. It takes time to build up friendships. Also have you tried peanut that's great for meeting local mum friends.

Friendships come in all shapes and sizes There's value in every type, from fleeting hello at the gym to people who feel like the sister you always wanted

Important to have realistic expectations. People go to the gym to exercise. A community tennis club with social activities offers greater opportunities for making friends

And, it can take years to form a true friendship. In the meantime, try to enjoy spending time with acquaintances

I dont think I have a single friend from school (except as a Facebook acquaintance) ans non from uni either. All mine have been met in later life

I have no friends remaining from childhood. I too moved as a child. My friends now are from when i worked, my sport and the village where I used to live. One of my best friends I only met eight years ago in my late 40s.

Exactly. It's not enjoyable for the partners especially if working in a completely different sector. I would not enjoy being on DH's night out soon, as its all talking shop which I know nothing about!😂

I have no school friends I’m still in touch with and I didn’t make great uni friends.

Most of my friends locally I made on mat leave, I tried really hard and put myself out there loads. It didn’t always go to plan and I looked like a crazy person but I’m glad I stuck at it and met the mums I did. Otherwise it’s work where I’ve met people.

Aw you can make friends at any age. However, I will admit that my school friends are amazing. I have two from school and we've been close for 30 years and one from college for 20 years. I know what you mean though- we have so many shared memories that we cackle about regularly. It's very precious to me.

I was a teacher and we never had partners on nights out. My husband worked in the NHS and it was the same. On the rare occasions I've been out with his friends from work it was really boring because they talked about ... work. I expect he felt the same about my work friends.

DH is going to a Christmas night out soon with work but partners are not invited.

In some work places that isn't that unusual tbh...

I have friends from when I was 4 -11 from school. However my best friends who know me warts and all are my friends from
When I was an adult.

I am another that has not kept in touch with friends from school. Or uni, for that matter. I was at uni on two different occasions but because I don't work anymore I have lost contact years ago. For the best as life for me is busy with several children to raise. I savour solitary moments and prefer that.

I have many acquaintances that I see and I am happy with this arrangement as I just genuinely don't have head space for others.

OP take advice to set up your own book club if you love books.

This. I don't know anyone I knew at school or university except via a school Facebook Group or Christmas cards from one fellow student, we all went our separate ways when we left and friendship fizzled out. My friends are from work or social groups. I'm retired now and still meeting people but I don't really expect 'best friends' involved in every aspect of my life.

Sorry posted too soon accidentally.
You are doing the right things by joining a gym etc, just getting yourself out there. We lived overseas for 10 years and I had to try quite hard to meet people in the new area we lived in when we returned. Shared interests are the way to go.

Do you have a dog? I have made several good friendships that started whilst out walking